HELP my girlfriend (about to be fiance) wants an elopement, I want a wedding!

Re: HELP my girlfriend (about to be fiance) wants an elopement, I want a wedding!

• charlotte989875 member

  

  August 2021

  knottie1f61a30597be6e7e said:

  Hello, I'm a newbie here! So my girlfriend of almost two years and I are going to be getting engaged soon, and we've already started discussing what we might want as a wedding. Lately she's come to me saying she thinks she might prefer an elopement, because she doesn't want her family (immediate) to be at the ceremony, or be involved in the planning process of a wedding, and says it will cause too much anxiety. She's generally an overanxious girl (I love her for it), and her family is great. They just tend to be too sarcastic sometimes in their jokes towards her and are unappreciative when it comes to what she does for them. I am adamment that we have a wedding, as we both wanted a small wedding anyway (100 ppl), and it was going to be close friends and family (she has a big extended family she wants there). I really, really wanted my best man to be a best man, have my close 5 friends be my groomsman right by my side,, and to see her gorgeous self walk down the isle to one of our favorite songs, and have a proper ceremony surrounded by those we love in the church we love. And although I can see benefit with being eloped, and spending money on other stuff, I'm more of a moment guy.. and the memory of a proper wedding is something I just don't know I can give up. And I do mean I don't know. I'm open, but she seems adamant now about an elopement. Taking the numbers down at the wedding wouldn't help, as the people number wouldn't matter since it's her immediate family that's giving her doubts. And no matter what a ceremony would have to have them present. I'd like to hear some advice, and just to hear what all you have to say! Thanks! 

  I think you should tell her what you said here- that a wedding with your friends and family is really important to you. 

  
  

  It sounds like she’s viewing an elopement as a way to avoid dealing with her family; and while in the moment that will work in the long run unless she’s planning to cut them out of her life, she’s going to have to deal with them. If she doesn’t want them at the wedding she doesn’t have to invite them, but it doesn’t sound like she wants to do that- she wants to avoid the decision by eloping. 

  
  

  I think you two need to have a long talk about what you want for a wedding and how you’re going to deal with her family in the future. Will you not have holidays with people because she doesn’t want to? If you decide to have children how are you going to handle them with the family? I get those things are well into the future but dealing with her family isn’t a one time thing so to give up your opportunity to celebrate with your friends and family to not deal with hers doesn’t sound like a great plan to start your marriage. 

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• short+sassy member

  

  August 2021

  I agree.  If a wedding is important to you, than there needs to be a compromise.  It isn't fair for her to say she only wants an elopement, for no other reason than she doesn't have to deal with her immediate family.
  
  FWIW, my H would have been just as happy eloping.  I suspect even happier, though he's never said that.  But it was important for me to have a wedding with guests, so we had a small one (35 people).  He did not want any of his family there.  Immediate family or otherwise, so we just didn't invite them.  That's an option for you all, also.  Your FI may not feel that way.  But, truly, it is.
  
  However, if she feels it would be too hard or too much fallout for her to do that, then there are other options to mitigate the stress her immediate family causes her.
  
  Information diet.  Leave them completely out of planning.  Do not even discuss what you all are choosing.  Have a few phrases handy and set on "repeat".  Like, "We already have that covered."  "We don't want to discuss details."
  
  As for them being guests on the day of.  It's hard to advise without knowing what or how she thinks they will be stressful for her.  But she make day-of plans to avoid them as best she can.  It can be pretty easy to do with 100 guests.  She could also bar anyone but her WP getting ready with her.  She could also have a few phrases ready to cut off conversations that are stressing her out.  Maybe even have a conversation ahead of the wedding with people she think will be problematic, if she thinks it might help.  Like, "Mom, Dad.  Please help me keep my wedding day as stress-free as possible.  I do not want you to bring up XYZ."    

  

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