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Choose the pronouns that are best for your situation, that is the program's norms

short+sassyshort+sassy member
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in Wedding Woes

This is half ethics and half etiquette. I am joining a grad school program this year. Everyone always does introductions with pronouns first, which I think is a generally great thing, except this:

I’m trans, but can’t be out or transition because I’m disabled and cannot afford to lose my (difficult, possibly borderline abusive) family’s support. So, I have to choose between: 1: lying and misgendering myself, which I hate doing because it feels bad and feels like lying; 2: just not doing it, which I also hate because it makes me feel like a jerk who’s disrespecting the program’s norms and my fellow students, and 3: coming out and risking my mother finding out and possibly getting violent or at the very least cutting me off from medical care and financial support.

What is the best balance between safety and politeness here? How do I respect my own identity, the program’s norms, and my personal safety?

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Re: Choose the pronouns that are best for your situation, that is the program's norms

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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    I like your response @short+sassy.  

    I totally sympathize with LW's fears, but I do have some questions.  This might be the safe place where LW can use their proper pronouns with some guidelines.  It seems like graduate school would be a place where there wouldn't be parental/family involvement.  Plenty of transpeople use their proper pronouns while still having legal documentation and businesses with their deadname and wrong gender.  It might also be worth starting the program with X pronouns, feeling it out, and starting to tell certain people they use Y, but aren't totally out.
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    LW, your safety comes first. Always. 

    Being forced in the closet is horrible and I feel terrible for you, though.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    VarunaTT said:
    I like your response @short+sassy.  

    I totally sympathize with LW's fears, but I do have some questions.  This might be the safe place where LW can use their proper pronouns with some guidelines.  It seems like graduate school would be a place where there wouldn't be parental/family involvement.  Plenty of transpeople use their proper pronouns while still having legal documentation and businesses with their deadname and wrong gender.  It might also be worth starting the program with X pronouns, feeling it out, and starting to tell certain people they use Y, but aren't totally out.
    Agreed.

    Also I'd seek a counselor in the school.  I'm assuming that if the grad school is already on board with asking about LW's choice of pronouns then it isn't an ultra conservative institution.  A counselor/psychologist may be able to help with the current issues LW is facing psychologically and they may also be able to help with the additional demand of health insurance should the LW want to get it through the school (sometimes this is an option).  Unless the LW is going to be sharing publications with their mother that refer to them with their preferred pronounces the institution likely will observe confidentiality as a requirement. 
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    banana468 said:

    Agreed.

    Also I'd seek a counselor in the school.  I'm assuming that if the grad school is already on board with asking about LW's choice of pronouns then it isn't an ultra conservative institution.  A counselor/psychologist may be able to help with the current issues LW is facing psychologically and they may also be able to help with the additional demand of health insurance should the LW want to get it through the school (sometimes this is an option).  Unless the LW is going to be sharing publications with their mother that refer to them with their preferred pronounces the institution likely will observe confidentiality as a requirement. 
    This is similar to the response Prudie gave.

    It's terrible the LW is in a situation where they have to lie about themselves to stay safe and supported.  But it's not disrespecting the program's norms or their fellow students.  The LW is still choosing the pronouns they want used.  It may not be the pronouns they personally want to use, but it's choosing the pronouns they feel they have to use, at this time.

    A time will probably come when they don't feel they need to do that anymore.  Optimally, their family develops more tolerance.  But more realistically, the LW will finish their grad school program, find a great job, and no longer be financially dependent on their family.
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    I have a work associate who is trans and has separate pronouns on their personal (locked/private)  Instagram/Twitter than their professional Twitter mainly because they work in an area where being out publicly can be dangerous. So even though they are out to their family and in some social media spaces, they aren’t in others. It works for them. 
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