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Should bride have to reimburse bridal party for cancelled wedding?

brtdukebrtduke member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I was recently supposed to be the matron of honor in my younger cousin's wedding. She has has been like a little sister to me most of her life. My 2 daughters were also in the bridal party as a junior bridesmaid and the flower girl. We went through a year and a half of events like an engagement party, dress shopping trips, throwing her a bridal shower, going on a bachelorette weekend trip in another state, etc. We had bought and paid for everything like shoes, accessories, having hair done, new makeup, etc. In total, I have spend at least $1700 for the 3 of us to be in the wedding.Then, the day before the wedding, they called it off and were splitting up. We suspect that she just didn't love him anymore, but we are so upset that she waited until the day before to wedding to tell everyone. How do I tell her that we expect to be reimbursed for all of our expenses that we paid to be in this wedding while still being supportive to her during this hard time? We suspect that she doesn't have any intention of returning an gifts, cash, checks, or reimbursing anyone in the bridal party because she is blaming everything on her now ex-fiance. What should I do?
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Re: Should bride have to reimburse bridal party for cancelled wedding?

  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    This is an unfortunate situation. The only thing that etiquette demands is that the couple return any wedding gifts that have been given, including money, and I hope that they will do this. These were gifts given to celebrate a union that did not happen. But there is unfortunately no requirement that they reimburse you for the expenses you incurred in your preparations for the wedding. I would just let this go. She's probably reeling from the whole thing and it wouldn't be kind to stick her with your bill. After a while has passed, you can remind her that it is only right to return the gifts, but to ask her to repay you for your expenses would actually be punishing her for her failed union.
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  • brtdukebrtduke member
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    I am not trying to punish her for her failed union. I just feel like it was such an inconsiderate decision to wait to call off the wedding until the day before it was to take place. The short notice makes it so things like dresses that have been purchased and altered can no longer be returned so the bridal party can no longer recoup any money. Everything has been paid for and nothing can be returned. They got to enjoyed all the preparation celebrations in their honor and now they want everyone else to be the ones to shoulder the financial burden of their choice to end their relationship. This was a choice we had absolutely no control over. So many people invested so much money, effort and time into their day. I feel that if you make the choice to call off your wedding, the couple should accept the consequence of the financial burden, not the bridal party. 
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
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    I was recently supposed to be the matron of honor in my younger cousin's wedding. She has has been like a little sister to me most of her life. My 2 daughters were also in the bridal party as a junior bridesmaid and the flower girl. We went through a year and a half of events like an engagement party, dress shopping trips, throwing her a bridal shower, going on a bachelorette weekend trip in another state, etc. We had bought and paid for everything like shoes, accessories, having hair done, new makeup, etc. In total, I have spend at least $1700 for the 3 of us to be in the wedding.Then, the day before the wedding, they called it off and were splitting up. We suspect that she just didn't love him anymore, but we are so upset that she waited until the day before to wedding to tell everyone. How do I tell her that we expect to be reimbursed for all of our expenses that we paid to be in this wedding while still being supportive to her during this hard time? We suspect that she doesn't have any intention of returning an gifts, cash, checks, or reimbursing anyone in the bridal party because she is blaming everything on her now ex-fiance. What should I do?
    I agree with @maine7mob. The only thing they are required to do is return any wedding gifts. You don't really know why they called it off - you suspect but don't know. You say that you love your cousin like a sister. If you start making monetary demands, you could irreparably damage your relationship with her. Which is more important, your relationship with your cousin or the money?
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    I disagree with PP slightly; normally a couple (or former couple) would reimburse WP for their attire if the wedding is cancelled. But that's just the dress, not accessories or any of the the funds you spent on parties and trips that already happened.

    Practically, though, that's just theoretical. It would be inappropriate to ask for any of it. Your best course of action right now is to be a good sister to someone who is going through an incredibly difficult situation and quietly try to resell the stuff you bought. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    brtduke said:
    I am not trying to punish her for her failed union. I just feel like it was such an inconsiderate decision to wait to call off the wedding until the day before it was to take place. The short notice makes it so things like dresses that have been purchased and altered can no longer be returned so the bridal party can no longer recoup any money. Everything has been paid for and nothing can be returned. They got to enjoyed all the preparation celebrations in their honor and now they want everyone else to be the ones to shoulder the financial burden of their choice to end their relationship. This was a choice we had absolutely no control over. So many people invested so much money, effort and time into their day. I feel that if you make the choice to call off your wedding, the couple should accept the consequence of the financial burden, not the bridal party. 
    The whole situation is unfortunate, especially for the couple.  It is a lot of expense for both the wedding party and out of town guests.  But their decision wasn't inconsiderate and arguably wasn't "their choice" either.  Because what would the alternative have been?  Them going through with the wedding anyway, even though they knew they no longer wanted to get married?

    They cancelled it as soon as they knew they no longer wanted to get married.  It extra sucks that was only one day before, but that was the timing.  Another and better perspective to look at is THANK GOODNESS they called off the wedding before it happened and your cousin didn't marry someone who was wrong for her.  It's tough for everyone right now, but going through with it anyway and "hoping" it would work out...only for it to end in an annulment or divorce within a short period of time...would have been much worse for them.

    They are obligated to return their wedding gifts, since the wedding didn't take place.  But they don't need to reimburse people back for expenses related to the wedding.  Those are already sunk costs you were going to have that you knew were going to be out of your own pocket.  I do understand your feelings and that you regret them now, since the wedding didn't take place.  But we can't see into the future and not every "financial bad" that happens in life is someone else's responsibility.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    short+sassy said:
    brtduke said:
    I am not trying to punish her for her failed union. I just feel like it was such an inconsiderate decision to wait to call off the wedding until the day before it was to take place. The short notice makes it so things like dresses that have been purchased and altered can no longer be returned so the bridal party can no longer recoup any money. Everything has been paid for and nothing can be returned. They got to enjoyed all the preparation celebrations in their honor and now they want everyone else to be the ones to shoulder the financial burden of their choice to end their relationship. This was a choice we had absolutely no control over. So many people invested so much money, effort and time into their day. I feel that if you make the choice to call off your wedding, the couple should accept the consequence of the financial burden, not the bridal party. 
    The whole situation is unfortunate, especially for the couple.  It is a lot of expense for both the wedding party and out of town guests.  But their decision wasn't inconsiderate and arguably wasn't "their choice" either.  Because what would the alternative have been?  Them going through with the wedding anyway, even though they knew they no longer wanted to get married?

    They cancelled it as soon as they knew they no longer wanted to get married.  It extra sucks that was only one day before, but that was the timing.  Another and better perspective to look at is THANK GOODNESS they called off the wedding before it happened and your cousin didn't marry someone who was wrong for her.  It's tough for everyone right now, but going through with it anyway and "hoping" it would work out...only for it to end in an annulment or divorce within a short period of time...would have been much worse for them.

    They are obligated to return their wedding gifts, since the wedding didn't take place.  But they don't need to reimburse people back for expenses related to the wedding.  Those are already sunk costs you were going to have that you knew were going to be out of your own pocket.  I do understand your feelings and that you regret them now, since the wedding didn't take place.  But we can't see into the future and not every "financial bad" that happens in life is someone else's responsibility.
    Pretty much this.  It would be nice if she reimbursed you for the expenses but the liklihood is that it's not going to happen.  Consider that a cancelled wedding is still cheaper than a divorce and be there for the cousin. 

    Honestly, how I'd feel about this all depends on how she acts.  You can gently ask her if she wants help returning the shower /wedding gifts and see how things play out.  If she acts like all of the stuff is hers and has no intention of returning it then I'd probably remind her that they're not hers until the wedding happens.  Hopefully she's returned the ring too because unless her ex-FI proposed with the ring as a gift for an event (Christmas, birthday, etc.) that's a conditional gift that her former FI is owed too. 
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    OP at what point would you feel you didn’t need to be reimbursed?  One of my sisters was a BM for a close friend who, the week before the wedding, began panicking that it was a mistake, they didn’t love each other and shouldn’t be getting married, etc.  She chalked it up to cold feet and went through with it, but they divorced about three months later.  If your cousin instead of calling off the wedding (a hard decision to make) went through with it, eventually got divorced- whether at 3 months, 3 years, 13 years- would you feel the same way?  Genuinely curious for my own reasons. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    So, should she have just gone through with the wedding anyway because her bridal party had already put money out for it? Married someone she was unsure of because of other's financial commitments, only to get divorced after? 

    Calling off a wedding is hard, and sometimes you can't make that decision until the very last moment. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    ei34 said:
    OP at what point would you feel you didn’t need to be reimbursed?  One of my sisters was a BM for a close friend who, the week before the wedding, began panicking that it was a mistake, they didn’t love each other and shouldn’t be getting married, etc.  She chalked it up to cold feet and went through with it, but they divorced about three months later.  If your cousin instead of calling off the wedding (a hard decision to make) went through with it, eventually got divorced- whether at 3 months, 3 years, 13 years- would you feel the same way?  Genuinely curious for my own reasons. 
    Good point. That happened with my SIL. It really hit her the morning of the wedding. She convinced herself that it was cold feet and went through with it, only to regret it completely. She moved back in with her mom right after the HM and wound up divorcing pretty quickly. It was horrible all around.

    I couldn't imagine watching her go through that and worrying getting reimbursed for the money I spent on her bach party. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    You’re wrong. Get over it. Move on. 
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  • brtdukebrtduke member
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    I should clarify that our family suspects that she has known for a while that she fell out of love with her fiance and didn't want to marry him (people were predicting this) but just didn't want to say it because she would be the bad guy in the whole situation. That is why I feel like she should at least offer to pay people back. She could have cancelled a month or so ago and we could have returned things and not payed out for the last minute costs like hair, makeup, and nails. But, she waited until the very last possible day that she could to call it off.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    brtduke said:
    I should clarify that our family suspects that she has known for a while that she fell out of love with her fiance and didn't want to marry him (people were predicting this) but just didn't want to say it because she would be the bad guy in the whole situation. That is why I feel like she should at least offer to pay people back. She could have cancelled a month or so ago and we could have returned things and not payed out for the last minute costs like hair, makeup, and nails. But, she waited until the very last possible day that she could to call it off.
    You suspect, but you’re not in her relationship and you’re not in her situation. It’s sucks that’s y’all are gossiping about why she may have called off the wedding. Do you really think it was easy for her? Even if she wasn’t in love anymore unless she’s super cold it was probably still really hard to her to end a relationship that she thought was going to last forever. And maybe she didn’t know a week, or a month, or two months ago. 

    I think you need to let this go. You sound pretty judgmental about her not going through with the wedding and I’m hoping that it’s just venting here and you’re not saying this to her. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    climbingsingle said:
    brtduke said:
    I should clarify that our family suspects that she has known for a while that she fell out of love with her fiance and didn't want to marry him (people were predicting this) but just didn't want to say it because she would be the bad guy in the whole situation. That is why I feel like she should at least offer to pay people back. She could have cancelled a month or so ago and we could have returned things and not payed out for the last minute costs like hair, makeup, and nails. But, she waited until the very last possible day that she could to call it off.
     
    SO WHAT. Good lord. Imagine caring more about being reimbursed by someone you consider to be a sister than her well being and the fact that she's just ended a relationship. 

    Even if she called it off a month before, you'd still already put out money, correct? The dresses were likely already purchased. So even if she was having second thoughts at a month, you still would have been out money. 

    Also, if the wedding didn't even take place, how did you have to pay in full for hair and makeup? Those are services you typically pay at the time the service is rendered, so I call BS on that one. 

    If you're so hard up, sell the dresses, accessories etc on FB Marketplace or something like that. 

    And truly, I think you need to do some self-reflecting as to why you care more about the money than your "sister" going through what's probably an incredibly hard time. 
    All this. 

    There's a very real possibility that many people who are calling off weddings don't do it because of fear and shame.  

    And right now you're looking for the appropriate way to shame someone who just had to make a really sad major life decision.  

    Unless she's now out shopping and "living her best life" with all the extra money she has I think you need to cut her some slack. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    brtduke said:
    I should clarify that our family suspects that she has known for a while that she fell out of love with her fiance and didn't want to marry him (people were predicting this) but just didn't want to say it because she would be the bad guy in the whole situation. That is why I feel like she should at least offer to pay people back. She could have cancelled a month or so ago and we could have returned things and not payed out for the last minute costs like hair, makeup, and nails. But, she waited until the very last possible day that she could to call it off.
    Your family sucks.

    Instead of piling on to this judgmental gossipy crap, be the sister you claim to be and start telling these people to STFU. Oh, and quit being so damned selfish. 
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  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    OP, what if your cousin's fiance had literally left her at the altar? Would you expect reimbursement then? Because it's the same result. A wedding didn't take place. And you would still own your dress.
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    I understand that it's upsetting being out that much money, but I've never heard of any obligation to reimburse the wedding party if the wedding gets canceled. It would be nice if your cousin offered to reimburse you and the other bridesmaids for your dresses, but I think that's the absolute most you could expect (and that might even be a stretch). As others have said, the couple's only obligation is to return any gifts they had already received.

    Either way, I think it's crass at best and cruel at worst to approach your cousin with, essentially, a bill for the money you spent on her wedding. Yes, you lost money on this, and that's unfortunate, but she lost a lot more (and whatever you may say, you likely don't know the whole story). Would you have preferred that she go forward with the wedding and had a disastrous marriage and a stressful divorce? 

    I will say that if she gets engaged/married again in the future, it would perhaps be okay to be a little more reserved in spending your money on her wedding and everything leading up to it, or to gently let her know if her expectations are high that you cannot afford to do all that again. But don't go looking for your money back now. 


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Well, you're entitled to receive back any gifts, and I think your cousin should reimburse you for any other wedding-related costs you incurred on her behalf. But pressing her for this at a time when she's emotionally fragile and not inclined to take the initiative doesn't strike me as likely to be productive. I think that you're going to have to let it go, at least for now. As noted above, if your cousin becomes engaged again in the future, you need not be willing to spend the same amounts on her.
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    Well, you're entitled to receive back any gifts, and I think your cousin should reimburse you for any other wedding-related costs you incurred on her behalf. But pressing her for this at a time when she's emotionally fragile and not inclined to take the initiative doesn't strike me as likely to be productive. I think that you're going to have to let it go, at least for now. As noted above, if your cousin becomes engaged again in the future, you need not be willing to spend the same amounts on her.
    I totally disagree with this. Maybe the dress but not monies spent on parties and the like. I wouldn't even push the dress. Also since they didn't actually have hair and make up done they shouldn't have already paid for that.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    ILoveBeachMusic said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Well, you're entitled to receive back any gifts, and I think your cousin should reimburse you for any other wedding-related costs you incurred on her behalf. But pressing her for this at a time when she's emotionally fragile and not inclined to take the initiative doesn't strike me as likely to be productive. I think that you're going to have to let it go, at least for now. As noted above, if your cousin becomes engaged again in the future, you need not be willing to spend the same amounts on her.
    I totally disagree with this. Maybe the dress but not monies spent on parties and the like. I wouldn't even push the dress. Also since they didn't actually have hair and make up done they shouldn't have already paid for that.
    I agree with you @ILoveBeachMusic.  I have NEVER heard of a bride reimbursing for any wedding-related costs.  She's supposed to return gifts and then if the dresses were paid for the honorable thing to do is reimburse for attire.  Even if they used a stylist that may have wanted to be paid in advance for hair and makeup there should be a way for that to be returned to them.

    Getting paid back for the costs of the shower, bachelorette and other party expenses?  No.  It's unfortunate when no one wins but I think it's really unreasonable to expect money back for those costs. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    I can't imagine being so cold as to ask my friend/relative to reimburse me for costs leading up to their canceled wedding. 
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  • bubblylovebubblylove member
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    This is one of those things where if I were the bride who called it off I would go out of my way to pay for attire that was bought for my wedding and return the gifts. But I also think it's cold and inappropriate for someone to ask for that. It doesn't make a lot of sense I guess except that I hope she does the right thing. 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    Jesus Christ, OP, have you ever heard of empathy? 

    Listen, if the costs were too much for you, that was on you to shut down before it got out of control. You are coming off like a selfish jerk who gossips behind her (supposedly close as a “sister’s”) back. Take a step back and reevaluate your judgment. 


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