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Gay Weddings
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Can't pop question due to anxiety over not inviting father
in Gay Weddings
content warning: bigotry and abuse talked about
English isn't my 1st language so please bare with me
So I am unsure if this is the correct board but as the title implys I've been trying to propose to my zucchini (queer platonic partner) for about 10 months now, but I am paralyzed everytime I try to due to the fact that I know my father will have a fit if it's anything but a strictly cishet catholic affair. My zucchini and I are as a couple a trans man and a high femme nonbinary person, both of us are Norse pagan, just as some perspective.
So my plan is to not invite my father as he very purposefully outs us in public, dead names me, misgenders both of us every chance he gets, As well as having been physically abusive to the point of breaking several of my bones when I was younger. (He won't go to therapy because it will "make him gay"). Like I am terrified to tell him he's not invited, especially since his side of the family is really important to me and support the authentic me, and I'm afraid they wouldn't come if I didn't invite him (they probably more than likely would but anxiety is a horrid thing). And my zucchini really supports my not wanting him in my life, And know that it's going to be important to both of us to be able to be authentic on the big day.
So I need advice, how do I tell my zucchini that I want him in my life forever without worrying about the fact that my dad is awful.
Tl;Dr
My dad is a piece of shit who I know won't be invited to the wedding. How do I propose to my zucchini (queer platonic partner) without the very idea of my father ruining it for me. And causing me to freeze.
English isn't my 1st language so please bare with me
So I am unsure if this is the correct board but as the title implys I've been trying to propose to my zucchini (queer platonic partner) for about 10 months now, but I am paralyzed everytime I try to due to the fact that I know my father will have a fit if it's anything but a strictly cishet catholic affair. My zucchini and I are as a couple a trans man and a high femme nonbinary person, both of us are Norse pagan, just as some perspective.
So my plan is to not invite my father as he very purposefully outs us in public, dead names me, misgenders both of us every chance he gets, As well as having been physically abusive to the point of breaking several of my bones when I was younger. (He won't go to therapy because it will "make him gay"). Like I am terrified to tell him he's not invited, especially since his side of the family is really important to me and support the authentic me, and I'm afraid they wouldn't come if I didn't invite him (they probably more than likely would but anxiety is a horrid thing). And my zucchini really supports my not wanting him in my life, And know that it's going to be important to both of us to be able to be authentic on the big day.
So I need advice, how do I tell my zucchini that I want him in my life forever without worrying about the fact that my dad is awful.
Tl;Dr
My dad is a piece of shit who I know won't be invited to the wedding. How do I propose to my zucchini (queer platonic partner) without the very idea of my father ruining it for me. And causing me to freeze.
Re: Can't pop question due to anxiety over not inviting father
I think that proposing often gets over romanticized. Before you propose, have discussions about your future together.
Think of this like a frosted cake. You and your partner need to make the cake together. You'll know what you want it to taste like, the number if layers and what the fillings are. The proposal is the frosting on top. If you're proposing then you're frosting the cake and you get to pick the final decorations - but you're both going to be in agreement that it's what you like.
Once the time comes to set dates then you can have discussions with your extended family members and can advise who is and is not welcome. If they're aware of the situation then you can tell them why your father is expressly not part of the invitation. If they're not aware then consider ways to say, "Dad and I are not in agreement about everything and he is neither invited nor welcome in my presence that day. I respect that you'll keep this private."
I don't know how in touch you are with your father. If it's not much or at all, don't even tell him he's not invited. If you are in touch with him more frequently, you could still not mention the wedding at all. But, at some point, he will probably hear about it and will ask you, so just be prepared for that. Have what you will say already planned out, so you will have more confidence in that moment. Keep it short and sweet. Like, "You are not supportive of me, my partners, or this relationship, so I'm not comfortable with having you at my wedding. I'm sorry if this disappoints you, but it's for the best."
For the wedding/reception, if it gives you all piece of mind and is something you're worried about, hire a security person to escort your father out if he shows up.