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knottiec3fbb41f691a4c08 · August 2021

Resolved! Thanks to the lovely responders for the honest and helpful advice!

charlotte989875 · August 2021

knottiec3fbb41f691a4c08 said:

TLDR at bottom!

Hey everyone. First I want to say I love my sister with all of my heart and want her in my wedding. It’s just the two of us siblings and we’ve always been very close, despite me moving away a few years back. But the issue is that my older sister has been very unsupportive of the wedding from day 1. Rude comments about my fiancé, telling me I was being too extravagant (she had two non-traditional weddings which is great), but what really hurt is when we finally picked what we thought was the perfect date she told me that my eldest niece (who I adore) would be on a school trip and that my sister wanted to take a family vacation starting the day before that date. She said she would boycott my wedding if I picked that day and that even if my niece could make it she didn’t want to to delay her vacation for my wedding. She asked how I’d feel knowing half my immediate family would not be there. When I asked if she didn’t think it would hurt our relationship if she skipped my wedding (I didn’t go straight to this question it kind of came out at the end) she said “honestly I don’t care”. This was immensely hurtful. I changed the wedding date to accommodate her because I want her (and all the kids) to attend. But considering how she said she didn’t care about hurting our relationship and threatening not to attend - I kind of want someone else to be my MOH. However I’m terrified of damaging our relationship more. Would it be okay to ask her to be my Matron of Honor and my friend to be my Maid of Honor? My friend is already doing most of the emotional and actual support and I think she deserves the title. Thoughts?

TLDR: My sister wouldn’t consider delaying start of unplanned vacation for my wedding, said she didn’t care if it hurt our relationship. Too nervous to demote her despite hurt she caused so want to add a 2nd MOH who actually cares about being supportive. Thoughts?

Are you wanting to have a second MOH because you truly want to honor your friendship with this other person and have her stand up with you on that day? That’s really the only reason you should ask someone to be in your wedding. Not because they are/ are not doing to help (emotionally or otherwise) and not because someone else is/ is not doing those things either. If you really want to honor that person then go ahead, but if this is about your sisters behavior then it’s probably not for the right reason and is likely going to not have the effect you want.

knottiec3fbb41f691a4c08 · August 2021

Honestly it is both. I dearly love my friend and she is the best person for the job. She is doing so much and I do want to honor her and our relationship. On top of that I don’t want my sister as my MOH (anymore). I’ve been wanting to give my friend a promotion from just being a bridesmaid from day one but didn’t know what title would work since my sister was my de facto MOH. Not sure if that makes sense 🤦‍♀️

charlotte989875 · August 2021

knottiec3fbb41f691a4c08 said:

Honestly it is both. I dearly love my friend and she is the best person for the job. She is doing so much and I do want to honor her and our relationship. On top of that I don’t want my sister as my MOH (anymore). I’ve been wanting to give my friend a promotion from just being a bridesmaid from day one but didn’t know what title would work since my sister was my de facto MOH. Not sure if that makes sense 🤦‍♀️

I get what you’re staying I just think it’s going to backfire. First, your friend will know you initially didn’t chose them to be a MOH and you are now. It’s not a job so it’s not really a “promotion” and she might think you’re only doing this either because your fighting with your sister or because she’s done stuff to help you- honestly neither is likely to feel great. Like she wasn’t ‘enough’ before and is now? And second, it’s going to hurt your sister. You’re hurt and that really sucks. Your sister sounds out of line by how she handled it, but is hurting her back going to help the situation or just make it worse?

knottiec3fbb41f691a4c08 · August 2021

To be real, I’m not at all concerned about how my friend will handle it. She has already offered to do most of these duties bc my sister lives so far away. I know she will be excited, it’s just who she is. However, I definitely concede your point about making things worse with my sister. I don’t know if my sister cares anymore sadly. I certainly AM worried about making it worse. I just don’t want to be stuck with a MOH who constantly makes me cry and is not supportive. If not promoting my friend to MOH is there any other distinction I could give her?

banana468 · August 2021

knottiec3fbb41f691a4c08 said:

TLDR at bottom!

Hey everyone. First I want to say I love my sister with all of my heart and want her in my wedding. It’s just the two of us siblings and we’ve always been very close, despite me moving away a few years back. But the issue is that my older sister has been very unsupportive of the wedding from day 1. Rude comments about my fiancé, telling me I was being too extravagant (she had two non-traditional weddings which is great), but what really hurt is when we finally picked what we thought was the perfect date she told me that my eldest niece (who I adore) would be on a school trip and that my sister wanted to take a family vacation starting the day before that date. She said she would boycott my wedding if I picked that day and that even if my niece could make it she didn’t want to to delay her vacation for my wedding. She asked how I’d feel knowing half my immediate family would not be there. When I asked if she didn’t think it would hurt our relationship if she skipped my wedding (I didn’t go straight to this question it kind of came out at the end) she said “honestly I don’t care”. This was immensely hurtful. I changed the wedding date to accommodate her because I want her (and all the kids) to attend. But considering how she said she didn’t care about hurting our relationship and threatening not to attend - I kind of want someone else to be my MOH. However I’m terrified of damaging our relationship more. Would it be okay to ask her to be my Matron of Honor and my friend to be my Maid of Honor? My friend is already doing most of the emotional and actual support and I think she deserves the title. Thoughts?

TLDR: My sister wouldn’t consider delaying start of unplanned vacation for my wedding, said she didn’t care if it hurt our relationship. Too nervous to demote her despite hurt she caused so want to add a 2nd MOH who actually cares about being supportive. Thoughts?

Honestly - I don't know about the tone your sister took but I think this is exactly why you don't set a date without checking with people first.

Once you have the where (ceremony and reception) figured out, the best way to set the date isn't to book it first but to talk to your VIPs and ask them what conflicts they have and/or ask if there are issues with the date you're picking.

As an example when DH and I were setting our date we knew that the dates that would not be possible for my mom were while school was in session and for BIL while he was in law school, in his bar prep courses or taking the bar exam.

Your sister's response and attitude removed, it appears that you didn't ask her if the date worked and she responded that she was irritated by the conflict telling you what wasn't going to work for her family.

Second to this, there is no way to add a second MOH without hurting the feelings of both your sister and the second person asked. The second person is going to feel like a runner up and your sister will see that this is sour grapes.

My advice is to take a deep breath and call your sister when cooler heads prevail. Apologize for the argument and for not checking with her and tell her how much you value her. Your sister will be your sister long after your wedding day but hurt feelings can last even longer than that.

banana468 · August 2021

knottiec3fbb41f691a4c08 said:

To be real, I’m not at all concerned about how my friend will handle it. She has already offered to do most of these duties bc my sister lives so far away. I know she will be excited, it’s just who she is. However, I definitely concede your point about making things worse with my sister. I don’t know if my sister cares anymore sadly. I certainly AM worried about making it worse. I just don’t want to be stuck with a MOH who constantly makes me cry and is not supportive. If not promoting my friend to MOH is there any other distinction I could give her?

-Please don't think of this as a "promotion". These aren't jobs and there aren't any duties. The role of MOH is the person who is nearest and dearest to you but there isn't a job that the person has. You don't work your way up the corporate wedding position ladder and treating it like a job or a play with the lead and supporting cast makes it seem like a competition.

-That said, if your friend is going above and beyond and you want to show your appreciation then do it - privately. Give her a wonderful gift of appreciation tailored to her unique tastes.

knottiec3fbb41f691a4c08 · August 2021

Great advice all around and I think I will be able to strike a good balance. Like you said sleeping on it is likely the best option. I’ve already apologized more than once to my sister so I’m not sure a fourth of fifth apology (with none forthcoming from her over what she said) will do much. But as noted I don’t want to hurt our relationship anymore so I will find something special to do to honor my friend.

knottiec3fbb41f691a4c08 · August 2021

Also it might be worth noting that we were slightly limited on the date because of the venue and wanting to use my fiancé’s office being closed one week to our advantage honeymoon wise. She knew the month in advance but then insisted that venue or time off issues aside I could get married somewhere else and during a more convenient time of the year. She said to give up having an outdoor wedding and move it to another venue inside to have it during the summer (most convenient for her). So I will say she lit me up on a few things that make it hard to just move on like she didn’t say them

banana468 · August 2021

knottiec3fbb41f691a4c08 said:

Also it might be worth noting that we were slightly limited on the date because of the venue and wanting to use my fiancé’s office being closed one week to our advantage honeymoon wise. She knew the month in advance but then insisted that venue or time off issues aside I could get married somewhere else and during a more convenient time of the year. She said to give up having an outdoor wedding and move it to another venue inside to have it during the summer (most convenient for her). So I will say she lit me up on a few things that make it hard to just move on like she didn’t say them

I will say that if the venue isn't being chosen for religious reasons (like it's your parish where you can marry and you're holding the reception there) then I will also say I agree with your sister. If you had one week when the office was closed and that was your only option then I can agree you have limited options. But it sounds like you leaned in more towards the place vs. the availability of your guests.

FWIW, my H's office is closed one week a year too. We still went with what was the best time for our group.

knottiec3fbb41f691a4c08 · August 2021

Agree to disagree on that point I suppose. I don’t really take issue with her concerns and I told her immediately that I would change it if I could. But the main issue was the way she spoke to me, some of which I might never be able to forget and the fact that she didn’t care that the original date worked for the rest of the BP and could have worked for her if she was willing to take a 6-7 day vacation rather than an 8 day one. Ultimately I agree with you though that it’s best to keep her as MOH and give my friend a private gift.

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