BM is Mad She Can't Make My Wedding

Re: BM is Mad She Can't Make My Wedding

• MyNameIsNot member

  

  September 2021

  knottie2968034d6562384f said:

  One of my 4 bridesmaids (who i've been friends with for over 25 years, and currently lives out of state in WA) has to work the day after my wedding. We're having a short, 6-month engagement, getting married in February (for a few reasons that are beneficial to us), and she's mad we'd book the venue with so little notice and when she doesn't know if she can make it; it seems like she's making it my problem that she has to work. I told her I would completely understand if she couldn't go, and now she's ghosted me. I sent her an expensive bridesmaid proposal box, paid for her dress, which were both delivered 2 weeks ago and she hasn't said a word to me. Did I do something wrong? 

  You're both wrong here. You made a huge show out of asking her to be a bridesmaid, but you didn't even run the date by her first. Basically, you're saying that you don't really care if she can make it. Normally couples run dates by their VIPs before setting anything in stone. 
  
  She's wrong for ghosting rather than using her words and telling you that you've hurt her feelings. 

  Report5 Reply
• banana468 member

  

  September 2021

  I think the train sort of left the station but the I agree with @MyNameIsNot that the better course would be to ask her to be a BM once your date was set.  
  
  FWIW, when a friend set her date on super short notice and she'd previously asked me (years prior) to be a BM I was super upset that I had to tell her no.  I didn't have the reaction your friend did but was a bit sad that I had to tell the friend I loved that it wasn't going to work and I had a prior commitment that was 500 miles from her.  
  
  IMO let it settle and apologize that you did ask before you set the date and you have no hard feelings. 

  Report1 Reply
• knottie2968034d6562384f newb

  

  September 2021 edited September 2021

  @MyNameIsNot The date was already set when I asked her. It's a very limited guest list that we can have due to the # of people allowed at the venue, so she would have been mad if I didn't ask her to be a BM. I also should have mentioned, my FH is in the Marines and he may be deployed after our wedding, hence the date being relatively soon. I told her repeatedly that I would be so upset if she couldn't make it, but I would understand. 

  Report0 Reply
• charlotte989875 member

  

  September 2021

  knottie2968034d6562384f said:

  @MyNameIsNot The date was already set when I asked her. It's a very limited guest list that we can have due to the # of people allowed at the venue, so she would have been mad if I didn't ask her to be a BM. I also should have mentioned, my FH is in the Marines and he may be deployed after our wedding, hence the date being relatively soon. I told her repeatedly that I would be so upset if she couldn't make it, but I would understand. 

  I mean, that’s fair but you’re basically telling her you’re going to be upset if she can’t attend but you’ve set a date without asking her if she could make. You put her in a bad spot and I can see why she’s upset. That said, ghosting you is wrong too. 

  Report0 Reply
• banana468 member

  

  September 2021

  Also, let this be a lesson to not over-do the asking with a BM package.  That can also make it feel like you piled on the guilt because you did.   

  Report4 Reply
• knottie2968034d6562384f newb

  

  September 2021

  I get what everyone is saying... I guess I feel like I'm put in a weird spot, because she would be upset with me if I didn't include her regardless of the date, but we also can't make our wedding date just to fit her work schedule. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't  

  Report0 Reply
• banana468 member

  

  September 2021

  knottie2968034d6562384f said:

  I get what everyone is saying... I guess I feel like I'm put in a weird spot, because she would be upset with me if I didn't include her regardless of the date, but we also can't make our wedding date just to fit her work schedule. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't  

  Here's the thing though: the way I'm interpreting how you did this is that you picked the date without asking if it worked for her, gave her a BM proposal "package" that adds to the pressure to say yes and then told her repeatedly (your words) that you would be upset if she didn't make it but would understand. 
  
  That would be hard for me to parse. Are you understanding that she can't be there or really upset?  And was the BM proposal package trying to sweet talk her into changing her mind?  Is it possible that she interprets it that way which adds to the guilt and pressure? 
  
  Weddings are so emotionally charged.  My point is that you could have asked her without all the trimmings and without the statements of pressure that you put on her. 

  Report1 Reply
• Jen4948 member

  

  September 2021

  Either you will be upset if she can't make it or you will understand, but saying that you will be both is confusing and (however inadvertently) hurtful.
  
  She's probably feeling enough pain from being told that she has to work when she had already planned to be in your wedding.
  
  And while I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that your big, showy gesture of asking her with an expensive "bridesmaid proposal" box was not meant to pressure or guilt her into agreeing to be your bridesmaid, unfortunately, by putting so much of your time, energy and resources into it, you did exactly that. It's why we don't encourage "wedding party proposals" when asking friends and relatives to be your wedding attendants. A quiet, dignified, private request conveys the love without additional pressure or guilt.
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• climbingsingle member

  

  September 2021

  I'm confused on the timeline. Did you send her the proposal box AFTER she said she couldn't make it? If so, I do understand her feelings. 

  Report1 Reply