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Walking Aisle Independently

knottieb0b6870390978aceknottieb0b6870390978ace member
First Comment Name Dropper
edited April 2022 in Chit Chat
Hi everyone! 
So I am trying to find the best way to break the news to my parents that I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle. I have had a rocky relationship with him my whole life. He has had his good moments, don't get me wrong. But unfortunately those have been heavily out shadowed by his verbal/emotional abuse over the years and controlling behavior. He has a tendency to lose his temper and if you don't agree with him on everything, than you're the @$$hole. Now that I have been engaged and planning the wedding, he seems to have had some moments that are even worse lately than the past couple years. Not only can he be manipulative and verbally abusive, he has a very chauvinistic side, which makes the thought of being "given away" make my skin crawl. I have had to fight hard to show my independence and to make my point that I am not my dad's property to control. I just feel like he has zero respect or recognition for me as an adult woman. Sooooo after that background info, I am just trying to figure out the best way to approach this. He doesn't have the best temper and is far from understanding, so I'm nervous and preparing myself for the worse. But I am not willing to make myself uncomfortable or fake anything on my special day with my FH, especially in that moment. Any advice or suggestions on best way to bring this up is appreciated. TIA!
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Re: Walking Aisle Independently

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    ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I think you should tell him sooner rather than later because it will just get harder the longer you wait. You could tell him that you are going to walk down the aisle by yourself. You don't have to go into the whole creepy feeling about being given away. That might make it worse. Another option could be for you and your FI to walk down the aisle together.
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    It's a little like ripping off a band-aid. You're just going to have to do it. I'm sure it's going to suck, and he's going to be awful. You might as well get it over with sooner rather than later. Given his past behavior, I would do it over the phone and then quickly end the conversation. Going forward, when he does bring it up, continue with "this is not up for discussion, if you can't drop it I'm going to hang up." 

    You're not doing anything wrong. You don't need anyone to walk you down the aisle and you don't deserve to be attacked for it. If he has a problem with it, he can just stay home and skip the wedding. I'm sorry he's been this way, and there's a lot that goes into dealing with a manipulative and abusive parent as an adult, but please know that you deserve better and you don't have to accept his behavior. 
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I agree with the other PPs that it is better to tell him sooner rather than later, so he has more time to process and accept it.

    Don't get embroiled in arguments about it either.  It's easier said than done.  But stop conversations before they even start with something like, "I've already told you this isn't up for discussion."  And leave/get off the phone if he won't drop it.

    For whatever you are choosing to do (walk down yourself, with your FI, or be up at the altar and not walk down), I would definitely recommend keeping the focus on 100% this is the choice you are making...for independence, being walked down is an antiquated idea, whatever you want to say that is NOT about him specifically.  Don't even hint that one of the main reasons is you don't want it to be him.  Not so much that he deserves to be spared that knowledge.  But more so it won't make a difference and it will just make him angrier and less understanding.

    Don't get me wrong.  Standing up for yourself and demanding his respect is an ongoing battle you will unfortunately need to keep facing.  But those should be separate discussions, when warranted.  It will only make things worse to add on at any point in time "and that's why I didn't want you to walk me down the aisle".
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I also agree that you should just tell your father the bare bones that you are walking down the aisle alone. He may want to express a negative opinion in response, at which time I would just say something like, "I'm sure that's how you see it. This conversation is over now and the matter is no longer open for discussion." And probably you'll need to keep your distance from him between now and your wedding and limit all communication with him to what he absolutely needs to know and no more so that he can't try to raise the subject again. Definitely don't engage him further on it.
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    knottieb0b6870390978aceknottieb0b6870390978ace member
    First Comment Name Dropper
    Thank you all so much!! This really does help ease my nerves a bit. I appreciate all the insight <3
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    forevermarriedbrainshadiaforevermarriedbrainshadia newb
    First Comment
    Your no is no. I suggest you hire some security guards for your wedding.
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    reneelovesdangerreneelovesdanger member
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    Is he paying for any of your festivities? If so, I can see why this would be difficult. If not, just tell him that you are going a non-traditional route (which he should get, given your history of working so hard to be independent.) My dad was a complete abusive jerk, too. I fantasied throughout my childhood of the day when I got to tell him he wasn't even invited to my wedding. He died before my guy and I got together, so I never had that conversation. But if you are the kind of person you have painted yourself out to be in your explanation, most of your family should get it. Maybe have your mom standing by to help if needed? Maybe tell him exactly what you think of him and just don't invite him if he throws a tantrum. You're both adults - something he needs to come to terms with - so he needs to put on his big boy pants and deal.
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    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    reneelovesdanger said:
    Is he paying for any of your festivities? If so, I can see why this would be difficult. If not, just tell him that you are going a non-traditional route (which he should get, given your history of working so hard to be independent.) My dad was a complete abusive jerk, too. I fantasied throughout my childhood of the day when I got to tell him he wasn't even invited to my wedding. He died before my guy and I got together, so I never had that conversation. But if you are the kind of person you have painted yourself out to be in your explanation, most of your family should get it. Maybe have your mom standing by to help if needed? Maybe tell him exactly what you think of him and just don't invite him if he throws a tantrum. You're both adults - something he needs to come to terms with - so he needs to put on his big boy pants and deal.

    Hello!  Welcome to The Knot!  When responding, please check the date of the original poster, as well as the date of the last response.  This particular post began over a year ago, and is now considered a zombie/dead post. 

    @Knot, can we close this thread?
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