Learning to be alone.

mrsconn23 · September 2021

Dear Prudence,

How can I learn to be ok with, and more accepting of, the likely future of being forever single? I am a 38-year-old gay man and have always been a romantic, wanting to find The One and get married. In the last few years I have become more of a realist and know that not everyone gets to find their someone.

I have had three great loves in my life, alongside a handful of flings, all ending in pretty spectacular disaster with lots of drama and resulting depression. My last relationship was on-and-off for a year and a half, and ended two years ago. I really thought they might last the distance, and I was deeply in love. Instead, they broke me and with hindsight I understand they were a narcissist.

I have had therapy. I am not bad-looking. I workout. I have a good job and own my apartment. Apparently, I’m good in bed. I bring my share to the table and I think I am a kind, generous, loving, monogamous boyfriend. Except: no one’s really interested. I never click or feel that spark. In bars and clubs, I rarely see anyone I’m attracted to and I feel invisible (and trust me, I’m not asexual and have had my share of online hook-ups). I go on dates that go nowhere. I’ve tried taking up hobbies to meet more likeminded people. Sometimes I think perhaps I must be an acquired taste and simply not most people’s type.

I’ve started thinking about a new life outside of the city in more rural areas, but then feel like that would be waving the white flag and committing to singledom and spinsterhood for the next 50 years. The chances of meeting another gay man outside of the city (let alone one with a connection) becomes far slimmer—and yet, here in the heart of the city, there’s not exactly men beating down my door either.

I strongly believe we should make a life we love for ourselves that is fulfilling, rather than wait for a knight in shining armor to magically complete us. Deep down, though, I see a very lonely and isolated future ahead. How can I make peace with a life to be lived alone?

— Not Your Type

banana468 · September 2021

I think the first step for the LW is to be confident. I remember before DH and I started to date he said, "You'll find me attractive when I'm 30."

Well, I found him attractive before then and at 30 we had our first.

Sometimes love takes a while. Sometimes it doesn't happen. But it's never productive or "good" if both people aren't true to themselves from the start.

short+sassy · September 2021

I don't think he should resign himself to being forever single. He has had three great loves, so it is not impossible. They just didn't work out, but maybe the next one will. I also had three great loves before I met my H. The LW is much less likely to find someone if he stops looking. But, at the same time, it's also healthy to acknowledge that might be what happens and create a life he is content with. Whether he someday finds his soulmate or not.

Probably easier said than done, but taking a stance of "Looking for his soul mate, but not being obsessed with it or having his happiness hinged on it." On the bright side, it sounds like that is exactly what he is doing, but unfortunately with more pessimism.

He reflects some of this failure on himself, ie an acquired taste. But, tbh, he sounds picky himself because he said he rarely sees someone he is attracted to. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but it's also a big part of the problem. Which he also realizes.

Come to think of it, this is a rare Prudie letter, lol. The LW has analyzed the situation well, including their own actions and feelings that have contributed to the problem.

MyNameIsNot · September 2021

My general experience has been that you find the right person when you stop looking. So for that reason, I'd say move on out to the country, look for hobbies and experiences that fulfill you rather than ones that you think will help you meet people, and live your best life. Think of a future mate as a nice addition to an already full life rather than the missing piece of the puzzle.

But I met my partner at 26, so what do I even know? FWIW, my mom's BFF had pretty much resigned herself to being single forever. She had a BF that she loved for about 10 years, but he died in their 30s. She thought that were her shot and she'd be alone for the rest of her life. She got married this summer in her 60s.

VarunaTT · September 2021

I feel like he needs more therapy, for one main reason: the needing that "spark" and his past relationships involving narcissists. Red Flag that he's looking for love bombs and is repeating a pattern. Maybe he's learned enough to stop his pattern; he's still craving it though and needs to figure that out. Also, all that stuff he's listing? Also red flags for attracting a narcissist.

LW, you sound great. Keep on keeping on, find things you like to do, friends you love, have sex when you want, and always keep an eye open. Maybe it does happen, maybe it doesn't. 3 great loves is nothing to be flippant about and honestly, 3 at 38...maybe learn how to be alone for a bit?

I get it. I'm struggling right now b/c I basically go to work and then home. And no one is there. Not even necessarily a romantic relationship, just no one -- no roommate, no pet, etc. It's lonely and I just realized this week, I'm lonely and it's not "I'm lonely for a romance", I'm just lonely. So I called some friends and chatted. It's not quite the same, but it's what I have. I've ordered some more books and craft projects. I've worked out. You just learn to fill your days differently than you have and in spite of what society tells you the how of your life.

Learning to be alone.

Re: Learning to be alone.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards