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XP - I'm the MOH and I need suggestions to help the bride not have a nervous breakdown!

knottie1585dda5cb122116knottie1585dda5cb122116 newb
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edited October 2021 in Chit Chat
Y'all... My best friend of 20 years is getting married (2nd marriage) and she's going to give herself a nervous breakdown if she doesn't let her wedding party help her. Here's some details. Her future mil is awful. She belittles the bride to the point of tears, constantly tells her what she doesn't like. Constantly telling her to go to the courthouse (when she was finally excited to have the wedding she always wanted, because she was a people pleaser for her first wedding and did everything to make everyone else happy). I'm 3k miles away and I've offered to fly in to help get everyone on the same page, she says no. I asked for her mom's number and her bridesmaids numbers so we can talk and all be on the same page and really help but she said no. So she's literally the go-between for everyone. But then she tells me how stressed she is because I'm the only one who's shown initiative to help her. How can I help my friend?? Advice? Suggestions? 
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Re: XP - I'm the MOH and I need suggestions to help the bride not have a nervous breakdown!

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    levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    knottie1585dda5cb122116 said:
    Y'all... My best friend of 20 years is getting married (2nd marriage) and she's going to give herself a nervous breakdown if she doesn't let her wedding party help her. Here's some details. Her future mil is awful. She belittles the bride to the point of tears, constantly tells her what she doesn't like. Constantly telling her to go to the courthouse (when she was finally excited to have the wedding she always wanted, because she was a people pleaser for her first wedding and did everything to make everyone else happy). I'm 3k miles away and I've offered to fly in to help get everyone on the same page, she says no. I asked for her mom's number and her bridesmaids numbers so we can talk and all be on the same page and really help but she said no. So she's literally the go-between for everyone. But then she tells me how stressed she is because I'm the only one who's shown initiative to help her. How can I help my friend?? Advice? Suggestions? 
    To be honest, it sounds like you’re inserting yourself a little bit and by getting involved you’re going to create more drama. No one has to help with anything. The only people who are required to help plan and pay for the wedding and the bride and groom. If her FI isn’t shutting down his mom, then that’s a fiancé problem, not an issue that you, the BM, should or can fix. The only thing you can do is offer to help her with tangible things “let me know if you want help researching caterers!” And to be a sounding board. Beyond that, it’s not your place to fix everyone and you need to stay in your lane, even though it’s hard to watch. 


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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    knottie1585dda5cb122116 said:
    Y'all... My best friend of 20 years is getting married (2nd marriage) and she's going to give herself a nervous breakdown if she doesn't let her wedding party help her. Here's some details. Her future mil is awful. She belittles the bride to the point of tears, constantly tells her what she doesn't like. Constantly telling her to go to the courthouse (when she was finally excited to have the wedding she always wanted, because she was a people pleaser for her first wedding and did everything to make everyone else happy). I'm 3k miles away and I've offered to fly in to help get everyone on the same page, she says no. I asked for her mom's number and her bridesmaids numbers so we can talk and all be on the same page and really help but she said no. So she's literally the go-between for everyone. But then she tells me how stressed she is because I'm the only one who's shown initiative to help her. How can I help my friend?? Advice? Suggestions? 
    The best thing you can do now is back off. You have offered to help, she has declined. If she changes her mind, she will ask. Continuing to ask and even trying to call all the other bridesmaids is pushy and overbearing. You don't need to make yourself another problem on her list.

    It sounds like she's telling you she's stressed and about her MIL because she needs to vent. Be a friend and let her vent. Send her a care package with treats or schedule time for regular calls. 
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    downtondivadowntondiva member
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    Let your friend know that she can vent to you any time she needs to, and listen when she takes you up on it. If there's a specific wedding detail that she mentions needing help with, then feel free to offer. 

    And that's it, really. I'm sure you mean well, but it's not your place to fix things between her and her future MIL. That's something her FI should be dealing with, not you. Part of your friend saying no to your offers may have been her letting you know not to get that involved.
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    You are doing the best thing you can from 3000 miles away, you're her soft place to vent!  She knows she can trust you to listen and not tell everyone in her IRL circle of influence.  You're also trying to be the fixer when she just needs the listener even though 10 seconds there and you'd have it sorted out, organized, and de-stressing your friend from all the BS she's going through!

    Teach your friend how to "Bean Dip" anything relating to the wedding when her FMIL is around because she's going to need that essential skill.  Get her the book "Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning" by Doherty and Thomas.  Elizabeth was a former knottie and the information transcends wedding into marriage planning for your friend because with people in her life like the FMIL she's going to need to learn to set and establish boundaries for her own mental health for a lifetime!


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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    edited October 2021
    knottie1585dda5cb122116 said:
    Y'all... My best friend of 20 years is getting married (2nd marriage) and she's going to give herself a nervous breakdown if she doesn't let her wedding party help her. Here's some details. Her future mil is awful. She belittles the bride to the point of tears, constantly tells her what she doesn't like. Constantly telling her to go to the courthouse (when she was finally excited to have the wedding she always wanted, because she was a people pleaser for her first wedding and did everything to make everyone else happy). I'm 3k miles away and I've offered to fly in to help get everyone on the same page, she says no. I asked for her mom's number and her bridesmaids numbers so we can talk and all be on the same page and really help but she said no. So she's literally the go-between for everyone. But then she tells me how stressed she is because I'm the only one who's shown initiative to help her. How can I help my friend?? Advice? Suggestions? 
    You need to back off. Don't insert yourself into this drama with her MIL. 

    Also the wedding party are not responsible for planning the wedding, so I'm not sure why you're saying that no one is showing initiative. 

    Where is her fiance in all this? They should be dealing with their mother. The FI should also be helping to plan the wedding. 
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    maine7mobmaine7mob member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    The most helpful thing you can do is to ask questions. "What does your FI say when his mom drives you to tears?" "How is he helping with the planning?" "Is there anything you could cut back on?" "Have you thought about what it will be like having such a mother in law in your life from now on? Are you okay to deal with that?"

    I have an absolutely bat-guano crazy MIL. She literally has a personality disorder. But my marriage has survived because my husband always pushes back and always takes my side. I worry about spouses who don't do this. You really need to encourage your friend to think long and hard about marrying someone who doesn't intervene when his mother mistreats his fiancee. Because it will be that way forever. Helping her to see this is more helpful than any wedding planning support you could give her.
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