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Classic: "We wanted different things and it didn't work out." (then bean dip)

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes
I recently caught my fiancé and his sister together and broke up with him. I’d always gotten a strange feeling about their closeness, but I didn’t believe it until I saw with my own eyes. To my family and friends, it seems like I woke up one morning and decided not to get married. Everyone is pushing me to work things out with my fiancé. Initially, I wanted to keep what I saw between them and me. If I tell people they have an incestuous relationship, it would probably destroy their lives. I know they’re barely functioning and terrified I will tell people about them. I’m worried I will seem spiteful if I tell even a few trusted loved ones the real reason I called off the wedding. At the same time, I’m heartbroken too and don’t know how much longer I can handle lectures about “letting a good man get away.” Should I stay quiet or speak up?
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Re: Classic: "We wanted different things and it didn't work out." (then bean dip)

  • banana468banana468 member
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    Casadena said:
    I feel like "he cheated on me" is the perfect middle ground.  You are telling the truth, it takes the heat off you, and isn't AS detrimental as telling everyone he f***s his sister.
    Yup.  "He wasn't faithful and I can't be with someone who betrayed my trust.  If you'll excuse me I need to move on."  

    Eventually people will move on.  
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    edited October 2021
    BOUNDARIES.  "I am not willing to discuss this, period."  Back it up, if someone starts to discuss it, they get one warning of, "I said I wasn't willing to discuss this and if you continue down this path I will leave" and then you leave if you do.  This isn't about bean dipping, this is about "it's none of your gd business".

    ETA:  Even if the reason wasn't horrific, that part doesn't really matter here, it's about how YOU are being treated, LW.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    Putting the incest aside, I always find it freaking weird when people break up and people who weren't in the relationship want to shame a party to that relationship (usually the female/femme person) for letting a 'good one' get away.  Like what?  People typically split for a reason and that reason is none of your business. Good god, just give them some ice cream/wine and a shoulder to lean on. 
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    Putting the incest aside, I always find it freaking weird when people break up and people who weren't in the relationship want to shame a party to that relationship (usually the female/femme person) for letting a 'good one' get away.  Like what?  People typically split for a reason and that reason is none of your business. Good god, just give them some ice cream/wine and a shoulder to lean on. 
    Right! And why isn't "because I don't want to be in a relationship with them anymore" a good enough reason? It is to me but damn. Let people live their life. (I mean, I wanna know all the tea but I won't try to convince anyone to get back with anyone)
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
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    I read like she wants to tell some people but is worried telling will make HER look bad, which is ridiculous!  I also think it's slightly unrealistic that people who were close to you both (parents, close friends, etc) wouldn't inquire about what happened (although the "letting a good one go" type of talk is gross).  However, if she doesn't want to tell anyone, then cool - Varuna has a good script.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    On the "letting a good man get away", that is an especially ridiculous statement.  "Good people" break up all the time because they discover with time they aren't compatible.  Or grow apart.  Or (insert hundreds of reasons).

    I get the feeling the LW wants to say something about why they broke up.  As such, I think she is free to somewhat throw him under the bus and disclose that he cheated on her.  And can keep the especially ugly truth...that he cheated on her with his sister...to herself.

    But it's also true it's nobody's business and she can tell people that also.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    Ugh @ei34, that's so frustrating. Keep icing their asses out.  That's such a BS way to look at marriage and how you should be treated in a relationship. 

    I remember when SIL's BFF's (now mostly estranged) brother was getting divorced because he's a piece of shit and his wife got sick of it...even after she gave him a kidney and let him adopt her son, and people had stuff to say.  He runs a very successful and there were people who clucked about why couldn't she work it out because he had so much money. 

    Also, one of my BFF's left her H the year he made the most income he ever had and got some people being all, "Are you sure?!" to her about proceeding with the divorce.    

    As if money makes anyone a better person.  Or worth their bullshit. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
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    I had to re-read that first sentence.  I was like “LW caughy him with her sister? This is a typo?”

    and yeah a simple “he was unfaithful” would do for most people… close friends you have to tell could get the whole story.  I didnt feel the need to tell everyone my complete and full reason for divorce.  Cheating was enough. 

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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    CharmedPam said:
    I had to re-read that first sentence.  I was like “LW caughy him with her sister? This is a typo?”

    and yeah a simple “he was unfaithful” would do for most people… close friends you have to tell could get the whole story.  I didnt feel the need to tell everyone my complete and full reason for divorce.  Cheating was enough. 
    I re-read the first sentence HOPING I had misread it and it was the LW's sister.  Still unbelievably terrible, of course!  But less creepy.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    I feel like LW should probably tell a trustworthy friend. That's a lot to process, and feeling like they have to keep the secret makes it harder.

    But yeah, to the rest of the world, "Jamie and I just weren't compatible. The details are really none of your business." 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    Holy crap, at first I read this as the FI cheating on the LW with her sister, now I see it again and find out it was HIS sister? 

    I repeat - holy crap! 

    Tell people he cheated and leave it at that. It is the truth, after all. You don't need to explain further than that if you don't want to.
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