Oh LW, I want to hug you.

mrsconn23 · October 2021

Dear Prudence,

I have been with my husband for over 20 years, married for 15. He is 54 and I am 61. He adores me and has never been anything but happy with our life. However, in the last couple of years, I have had some major health issues that have changed our lives somewhat. He doesn’t complain and is right there to help me with anything, but I feel that I am becoming a burden. How do I stop feeling that I am holding him down from enjoying his life? I love him so much and I don’t want to ruin the rest of his life.

— Holding Him Back

banana468 · October 2021

Oh LW, talk to your H. And talk to him about what HE would like to do.

The guilt here though - it's so sad.

charlotte989875 · October 2021

Talk to him. And a counselor. Together and individually.

You don’t have to feel like this LW!

short+sassy · October 2021

I agree that counseling is the answer. It is sad the LW feels guilty, because they shouldn't. Sometimes medical burdens happen but, for a loving couple, those are burdens they take on together. I doubt the H feels for one moment the LW is "ruining his life". Though he might feel the medical condition is diminishing both of their lives, but that really isn't the same thing.

mrsconn23 · October 2021

Seeing my parents go through this and my dad now as a widower, trust me LW, if you guys having a super loving relationship, he'd rather take care of you than not be with you through this and/or mourning you. Even when it's hard day, week, etc.

MissKittyDanger · October 2021

We all have baggage- in whatever form - that we don't want to burden a spouse with but I think LW should talk to a therapist and their spouse. Serious sit down talk about it.

downtondiva · October 2021

Damn, this one really hits home for me. My husband and I are the same age, but I have had a chronic illness over the last few years. It's not life-threatening, but it is unpredictable and incredibly draining. It's hard for me not to feel bad when my husband and I have to suddenly change plans or when I just cannot handle things I used to do without thinking twice. I need his help more than I once did. He has been pretty great through it all, but I hate that we'll be dealing with this for the rest of our lives, and sometimes I do feel like I'm ruining his life. We've talked about it, and he insists that I'm not, but still.

I would encourage LW to talk to their husband about their concerns and to consider both individual and couples counseling if they think it would be helpful. I strongly believe in therapy for anyone dealing with medical issues - it can really help you with feelings of guilt and grief and to move away from feeling like your health is your whole identity, which is such an easy trap to fall into. And for LW's husband, it might help him deal with his own sadness at the situation and his own fears for the future. They can get through this together, I'm sure, but a little extra help might make the journey easier for them both.

Oh LW, I want to hug you.

Re: Oh LW, I want to hug you.

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