Dear Prudence,
I’m in my early thirties and moved away from my small hometown to a big city for my dream job 10 years ago. It’s about a four-hour car ride away. My other two sisters have also moved away (two and six hours away respectively). My mom is devastated (my dad is too, but less vocally); she wanted to be the matriarch to a big family with loads of grandkids, but we’ve all moved away. I get why she’s upset, especially as her sister has the life my mom wants with an army of kids around. I feel bad that my happiness appears to be incompatible with hers.
But it’s been 10 years, and she still cries when I leave after a visit. Yet she’s never visited my home as she doesn’t like the big city. We talk all the time, and she talks to my sisters every day as well, but we’re constantly walking on eggshells. If there’s anything less than perfect in my life, her only suggestion is to move back to my hometown. If my nephew is having struggles, Mom suggests it’s because he’s not close enough to his family. She’s constantly making snide and bitter remarks that she is actively unhappy that we’re not around. She’s suggested 10 years is enough time to have a career and get it out of my system, but now I should come home. I’m exhausted. I’ve called her out on it, that it’s not fair that her dreams and happiness depend on us living the life she wants for us, not the lives that we’ve chosen for ourselves. I’ve suggested she get therapy, but she’s basically told me she’s choosing to be unhappy. I think she resents us as we’ve chosen to leave but she’s chosen to stay to be near her mom.
I love her so much and it kills me that she’s this sad. I really don’t think she gets that she’s pushing us away or how hurt and sad her comments make us. I know I can’t fix it—I just can’t see a way of making this situation more tolerable.
— Not What Mom Wanted