Mother Impersonating Me and Embarrassing Me

knottie1ceddb115a6b6fcb · October 2021

Hi Y'all,
I have been planning my wedding for a while now, and I have been slowly finding vendors for my day. I have been contacting people, and recently someone got back to me asking why I am contacting them now when I supposedly have contacted them and ghosted them a while back. I was confused by this and asked the vendor about what happened. They told me that I had reached out to them on a website like this one. I was even more confused by this because I had not been using wedding planning websites since December.

It turns out my mother made accounts on wedding planning websites under my name and had been reaching out to various vendors over the course of half a year. She has then been ghosting various vendors for some reason or another. For the past few days, I have ignored this behavior despite asking her to stop because I did not want to be seen as the 'demanding bridezilla'.

Tonight, I am at a loss about what to do about the situation. My mother gave me access to her account to see the various vendors she found. I saw a vendor that had availability for my wedding day that I was interested in, so I set up an appointment. I went out for the day, and came home and checked on if the vendor had responded. It turned out that my mother accused the vendor of ignoring me in a rude manner while impersonating me. Now the vendor is upset with me and I am worried about losing my vendor (many people are completely booked for my date). I feel mortified.

How can I convince my mother to stop this behavior? Am I being reasonable about being upset by this? How should I address this?

missJeanLouise · October 2021

knottie1ceddb115a6b6fcb said:

Hi Y'all,
I have been planning my wedding for a while now, and I have been slowly finding vendors for my day. I have been contacting people, and recently someone got back to me asking why I am contacting them now when I supposedly have contacted them and ghosted them a while back. I was confused by this and asked the vendor about what happened. They told me that I had reached out to them on a website like this one. I was even more confused by this because I had not been using wedding planning websites since December.

It turns out my mother made accounts on wedding planning websites under my name and had been reaching out to various vendors over the course of half a year. She has then been ghosting various vendors for some reason or another. For the past few days, I have ignored this behavior despite asking her to stop because I did not want to be seen as the 'demanding bridezilla'.

Tonight, I am at a loss about what to do about the situation. My mother gave me access to her account to see the various vendors she found. I saw a vendor that had availability for my wedding day that I was interested in, so I set up an appointment. I went out for the day, and came home and checked on if the vendor had responded. It turned out that my mother accused the vendor of ignoring me in a rude manner while impersonating me. Now the vendor is upset with me and I am worried about losing my vendor (many people are completely booked for my date). I feel mortified.

How can I convince my mother to stop this behavior? Am I being reasonable about being upset by this? How should I address this?

First, I would create a separate email address for all wedding correspondence that only you and your FI have access to. Then I would contact all your current vendors and let them know that they should only accept changes and plans from *this* account, you may want to call them to tell them this directly. For any vendors you are reaching out to for the "first time", I would contact them directly through their Social media and not through a wedding site, even if that's how you found them.

All of this is apart from how to deal with your mother. To me, this is absolutely insane behavior. I would want my mom to contact each vendor, confess to her behavior, and apologize. I would sit and watch her do this.

downtondiva · October 2021

I really like @missJeanLouise's idea for a separate email address for contacting vendors. Whether she contacts them to apologize or you clear the air with them yourself, there needs to be no doubt whatsoever that your mother was the one ghosting and/or being rude to them, not you.

I don't know whether wedding vendors were something you ever discussed with your mother or what possessed her to contact any of them while impersonating you, but this is truly bizarre behavior. Going forward, I would keep any wedding discussion with her to the bare minimum - she sounds like someone who would take detailed discussions as permission to interfere. Don't tell her any vendor names, even if she asks. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

geebee908 · October 2021

I agree that you need to use another form of contact with all of your vendors which should also be "password"-protected, which just means that you and your vendor have some sort of code word that is used when any changes are made. In your case, I think this code word needs to be used for any contact you have so that your vendors can be confident that they are talking to you. In-person contact would be best so they have a face to go with your name.

Your mom needs to be cut out of any planning; she needs to call any vendor she's contacted while impersonating you and confess and apologize; and she needs to apologize sincerely to you and your partner for making planning difficult and embarrassing.

maine7mob · November 2021

I know crazy. I have experience with it. Follow the advice others have given, and do not share any info with your mom. Just send her an invite.

banana468 · November 2021

I think the others gave great advice. If you are going to talk to vendors I think you need to use your own unique email and number and advise them that NO ONE but you should have the contact information. Come up with a random code word if you need to.

Then you can handle mom separately.

climbingsingle · November 2021

Yikes. Agreed with the rest of the advice. Do you think you can get her to reach out to these vendors and apologize?

MesmrEwe · November 2021

You are not the first bride nor sadly the last to have this happen.

As others mentioned, the best defense is to create an email that is specific to your wedding (for now) and clue vendors in to "We've had someone interacting with vendors claiming to be us, email correspondence will ONLY have this email address and if anyone calls, to verify the phone number and set up a code to change any detail regarding the wedding specific to that vendor!" (That way the vendor remembers)... With any vendors you do book, you must have this written in that you two are the only ones who can change any detail and are the only people to be contacted in regard to the event and verified!

Also, be aware that many of the vendors she burned bridges with will want nothing to do with the drama regardless of who created it. Respect that unfortunate as it is, it is what it is.

Mother Impersonating Me and Embarrassing Me

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