Dear Prudence,
When I was a child of about 11, my mother took me to the doctor’s office for a physical. I insisted that I receive the physical alone since I was embarrassed for my mother to be in the room as I was getting older. That day my normal physician, a nice older lady of around 60, was apparently out so a substitute physician, a much younger woman, performed the physical instead. During our time alone, she molested me. At the time, I said nothing to my mother or father partly because I didn’t really understand what had happened to me. This experience greatly affected how I felt around girls my age and older. I became incredibly uncomfortable being alone with almost any girl or woman who wasn’t family, even some female friends that I had known for many years, were difficult to be around. It also made dating almost impossible as I got older. Time went on and I mostly adapted to avoiding uncomfortable situations in school and later my professional life.
Unfortunately, keeping these feelings and somewhat constant anxiety bottled up eventually got to me, and about a year ago I checked myself into a hospital suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts and asked for help. This completely blindsided my parents, who thought I was doing very well. Not talking to them was my fault, but ever since the incident I generally did not talk to my parents about my issues. Fortunately, I received help that I desperately needed and am doing much better. I have even made some female friends that I feel comfortable spending time alone with. Unfortunately, my parents have convinced themselves that they must be responsible for the mental health issues that affected me due to their parenting when I was younger. My mother now frequently asks me if there was something they did or didn’t do that affected me. I did not talk to them about the incident at the doctors when I was getting help and instead told them I was having issues with work stress and PTSD from my prior military service. I have told them repeatedly that they were great parents and not to blame themselves. I strongly believe that telling my mother I was molested in a doctor’s office while she waited in the lobby would devastate her. I also don’t want them to feel as if they were responsible for what happened to me. I’m not sure what to do. Should I tell them the whole truth or continue keeping my secret?
— Guilty Son