Needing advice for my soon to be husband....

Re: Needing advice for my soon to be husband....

• knottie19098a0907a30194 newb

  

  November 2021

  REALLY need some advice.

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• levioosa member

  

  November 2021

  knottie19098a0907a30194 said:

  My fiancé and I have been together for two years now. He just recently proposed but ever since "breaking the news" to his parents, they have become distant and unresponsive. 
  
  To give some background, his parents have never liked me. They've always had a problem with me but when asked they can never muster up why they are so displeased with me. His mother (my FMIL) blocked me on Facebook because she said I "posted too many wedding-related things." His dad (my FFIL) refuses to talk to me because I don't call him sir; even though he's never made that clear that is how he'd like to be addressed. I'm almost 30 years old - I don't feel that it's necessary for me to address my now-fiance's dad as "sir." I digress.
  
  Last year, my fiancé's parents had a "coming to Jesus" meeting with him and explained to him that he needed to get rid of me and that I wasn't good for him. Their reasoning was because I had "too many ideas all the time" (referring to when my FMIL would initiate conversations about painting the walls in our house a different color or some other project and I'd chime in) and that I was going to "spend all of my fiancé's money. 
  
  About a month ago, my fiancé called his parents to tell them that he'd bought a ring and that he planned on proposing to me. They sat silent on the phone and didn't say a word to my fiancé for several minutes. Finally, my FMIL said "why?" and started asking my fiancé "why do you love her" and "what do you even see in her" and "why do you want to be with her." My fiancé defended me throughout the entire conversation.
  
  Now that we're engaged, he told his parents, and much to my expectation, they've not responded at all. They haven't said one thing to him or to me, not one word of congratulations, or a "I'm happy for you." Nothing.
  
  My question is, do we keep including his parents in any of our wedding planning or the wedding itself? Do we even invite them to the wedding? My fiancé has stated that he doesn't want them to come, but I feel bad if we don't try to include them. I'm really needing some advice from other brides/grooms who've been there and understand what we're going through.
  
  I've said to my fiancé many times that he needs to set boundaries with his parents and give them an ultimatum: they can either be happy for us and be cordial, or they can be excluded from our inner circle. My fiancé doesn't want to do this but I feel that NOT setting these boundaries will allow his parents to continue behaving in this way, and ultimately, continue hurting my fiancé.
  
  Any advice/thoughts?

  So, first things first, you can’t control the thoughts and feelings of other people. I’m sorry they don’t care for you (been there, it hurts). However, nothing good is going to be gained by ultimatums. Simply stop communicating with them about wedding things. The only people required to plan and pay for the wedding are you and your FI. I would not include them in any other plans besides checking in with them on a date as I assume they would normally be VIPs. Only your FI can decide if not inviting them is something he wants to do for sure, as that will definitely be an alienating move. I’m glad your FI defended you because otherwise you would have a major FI problem over an in-law problem. It really should be up to your FI on the invite situation. But either way, you cannot force anyone to act happy when they don’t feel that way. Sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure it’s put a damper on the excitement a little bit. Just keep focusing on your FI and on building your solid foundation for marriage. 

  
  

  And have all the opinions on paint colors that you want. 

  
  

  
  

  

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• missJeanLouise member

  

  November 2021

  knottie19098a0907a30194 said:

  My fiancé and I have been together for two years now. He just recently proposed but ever since "breaking the news" to his parents, they have become distant and unresponsive. 
  
  To give some background, his parents have never liked me. They've always had a problem with me but when asked they can never muster up why they are so displeased with me. His mother (my FMIL) blocked me on Facebook because she said I "posted too many wedding-related things." His dad (my FFIL) refuses to talk to me because I don't call him sir; even though he's never made that clear that is how he'd like to be addressed. I'm almost 30 years old - I don't feel that it's necessary for me to address my now-fiance's dad as "sir." I digress.
  
  Last year, my fiancé's parents had a "coming to Jesus" meeting with him and explained to him that he needed to get rid of me and that I wasn't good for him. Their reasoning was because I had "too many ideas all the time" (referring to when my FMIL would initiate conversations about painting the walls in our house a different color or some other project and I'd chime in) and that I was going to "spend all of my fiancé's money. 
  
  About a month ago, my fiancé called his parents to tell them that he'd bought a ring and that he planned on proposing to me. They sat silent on the phone and didn't say a word to my fiancé for several minutes. Finally, my FMIL said "why?" and started asking my fiancé "why do you love her" and "what do you even see in her" and "why do you want to be with her." My fiancé defended me throughout the entire conversation.
  
  Now that we're engaged, he told his parents, and much to my expectation, they've not responded at all. They haven't said one thing to him or to me, not one word of congratulations, or a "I'm happy for you." Nothing.
  
  My question is, do we keep including his parents in any of our wedding planning or the wedding itself? Do we even invite them to the wedding? My fiancé has stated that he doesn't want them to come, but I feel bad if we don't try to include them. I'm really needing some advice from other brides/grooms who've been there and understand what we're going through.
  
  I've said to my fiancé many times that he needs to set boundaries with his parents and give them an ultimatum: they can either be happy for us and be cordial, or they can be excluded from our inner circle. My fiancé doesn't want to do this but I feel that NOT setting these boundaries will allow his parents to continue behaving in this way, and ultimately, continue hurting my fiancé.
  
  Any advice/thoughts?

  Your FMIL has already said you post too many wedding related things, sounds like she has no interest in wedding planning. So I would Definitely stop including them on that. I would send them an invitation though.
  
  I wouldn't issue an ultimatum, those are rarely a good idea, but I would absolutely go limited contact though. Let your FI figure out his own relationship with his parents though, you can't control that.

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• climbingsingle member

  

  November 2021 edited November 2021

  I'm sorry that you've been treated like this by your future-in-laws. That really sucks. 
  
  I wouldn't do an ultimatum, but I absolutely would not include them in any wedding planning. I think you should invite them, but ultimately it should be your FI's decision.  

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  November 2021

  The ultimatum sounds like a bad idea. This doesn't even really sound like a boundaries issue. People are allowed to not like other people, and you can't require them to like you. Remember when we were taught in kindergarten that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all? That's exactly how you should interpret their lack of response to your engagement. 
  
  It absolutely hurts when someone doesn't like you, and I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. But it sounds like your FI is generally handling it well - he's defending you to them. It also sounds like these conversations are happening when you are not around, which is a good thing. 
  
  For the wedding, do not try to include them in planning. It doesn't sound like they'd be interested. Plus, wedding planning with a group can create conflict even among people that really like each other; involving them would likely just create conflict. Your FI needs to make the decision about whether to invite them on his own. That's something he's going to have to live with for the rest of his life, so he needs to give it a lot of thought. If I were him, I would lean toward inviting them unless they're giving some indication that they're going to make a scene at the wedding.

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• MissKittyDanger member

  

  November 2021

  Regardless of situation, ultimatums are terrible.
  
  I would just not include them. Your FMIL said you post too much wedding stuff, so that's her clear response of disinterest in being included.
  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  November 2021

  MissKittyDanger said:

  Regardless of situation, ultimatums are terrible.
  
  I would just not include them. Your FMIL said you post too much wedding stuff, so that's her clear response of disinterest in being included.
  

  I have to push back on that, because I think they have their place.  But the thing about them is that you have to be willing to make it a bright red line, otherwise it's just an empty threat.  Also, they should be sparingly and only for the most serious of circumstances.   
  
  Anyway, I agree that your Future IL's are not interested in your wedding planning and/or turned off by it.  I'd back off telling them anything but the wedding date, time, and location.  
  
  As far as how much they like you or support your relationship, there's nothing you can really do about it.  I think the conversation you need to have with FI is how you're going to proceed knowing that you cannot rely on them as a couple for support. 
  
  Also, he really has zero insight as to why they don't like you and/or support your relationship?  Furthermore, if his dad did want to be addressed a certain way and once you knew about it, you refused to do so...that can be taken as a sign of disrespect.  If that is a big part of his family's dynamic (or their culture) then it's an impasse you may never get around.  
  
  My advice is to stop concerning yourself with your IL's feelings.  You know where you stand with them and the more you try to force anything with regard to them, the more pushback you'll receive.  Don't interfere in your FI's relationship with them, especially since he is supportive of you.  He's in an awful position.  For your own peace of mind, I suggest not asking him to tell you anything they say that's opinion-based and only work with facts (like what time holiday dinner is or whatever) and ask him to not discuss it with you.  There's nothing good that will come of any additional knowledge of their commentary and it will impact your relationship with your FI.  He's chosen you and hopefully he will honor that commitment regardless of his family's thoughts and feelings. 

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• MNNEBride member

  

  November 2021

  MyNameIsNot said:

  The ultimatum sounds like a bad idea. This doesn't even really sound like a boundaries issue. People are allowed to not like other people, and you can't require them to like you. Remember when we were taught in kindergarten that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all? That's exactly how you should interpret their lack of response to your engagement. 
  
  It absolutely hurts when someone doesn't like you, and I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. But it sounds like your FI is generally handling it well - he's defending you to them. It also sounds like these conversations are happening when you are not around, which is a good thing. 
  
  For the wedding, do not try to include them in planning. It doesn't sound like they'd be interested. Plus, wedding planning with a group can create conflict even among people that really like each other; involving them would likely just create conflict. Your FI needs to make the decision about whether to invite them on his own. That's something he's going to have to live with for the rest of his life, so he needs to give it a lot of thought. If I were him, I would lean toward inviting them unless they're giving some indication that they're going to make a scene at the wedding.

  To be clear, you and your FI aren't expecting them to help fund this wedding, right?
  
  Plan what you can afford and would like. The generous thing to do would be to give his parents the same number of guest to include on the guest list that you are giving your parents.  If they choose not to provide a list, so be it.  I agree that that choice to even invite them needs to lie with your FI.  There will be consequences either way.
  

  

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• MissKittyDanger member

  

  November 2021

  mrsconn23 said:

  MissKittyDanger said:

  Regardless of situation, ultimatums are terrible.
  
  I would just not include them. Your FMIL said you post too much wedding stuff, so that's her clear response of disinterest in being included.
  

  I have to push back on that, because I think they have their place.  But the thing about them is that you have to be willing to make it a bright red line, otherwise it's just an empty threat.  Also, they should be sparingly and only for the most serious of circumstances.    

  I see your point, but I'm viewing your example as a boundary instead of ultimatum though
  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  November 2021

  MissKittyDanger said:

  mrsconn23 said:

  MissKittyDanger said:

  Regardless of situation, ultimatums are terrible.
  
  I would just not include them. Your FMIL said you post too much wedding stuff, so that's her clear response of disinterest in being included.
  

  I have to push back on that, because I think they have their place.  But the thing about them is that you have to be willing to make it a bright red line, otherwise it's just an empty threat.  Also, they should be sparingly and only for the most serious of circumstances.    

  I see your point, but I'm viewing your example as a boundary instead of ultimatum though
  

  Oh here, it's definitely boundary vs. ultimatum. 
  
  Also, you can demand someone feel a certain way.  It's not how feelings work.  

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