Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Woes
Wedding Woes
New Discussion

Classic: No, you don't have to and there's nothing wrong with it.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

A couple of years ago, my sister-in-law, a stay-at-home mom, made some nasty comments to me about my choice to continue working after having kids. She never apologized, and while I am pleasant to her out of necessity, it isn’t the same. I don’t trust her. Now her husband is out of work, and she wants me to recommend her for a position at my company. I do not like or respect this woman and do not want to work with her. My husband admits he wouldn’t help either. I know there is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women, but do I have to help her here?


Report Reply to Post

Re: Classic: No, you don't have to and there's nothing wrong with it.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I do not agree that there's a special place in hell for someone who don't help other women.  It should be amended to "other women who deserve it."  You don't help simply because of your sex especially when she made it clear how she judges you.

    I'd tell her that she's welcome to apply if there are openings.

    Only LW can decide if she's able to burn a bridge here.  If she wants to say, "I'm not comfortable recommending you for a job after you judged my work ethic and choices." but she has to decide if a potential family rift is worth brutal honesty. 
    Report Reply
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don’t know, I’d probably just take the high road and help her out. You don’t HAVE to LW, but be the bigger person and try.  At least that’s what I’d do.

    Report Reply
  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Nope. Why would you put in a referral to someone who was terrible to you? Do you want someone, anyone, like that working at your company? 
    Report Reply
  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I imagine I'd take the passive aggressive route and not include your wording @banana468 but also absolutely not recommend her.  LW hasn't specified how big a role they play in the hiring process- are they the director of HR, or head of the team SIL wants to join?  Or just another cog in the wheel?  I would probably make it like I'm not part of hiring, even if I was, and just let SIL's resume, references, and interview skills do the talking.  
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    ei34 said:
    I imagine I'd take the passive aggressive route and not include your wording @banana468 but also absolutely not recommend her.  LW hasn't specified how big a role they play in the hiring process- are they the director of HR, or head of the team SIL wants to join?  Or just another cog in the wheel?  I would probably make it like I'm not part of hiring, even if I was, and just let SIL's resume, references, and interview skills do the talking.  
    Right - I'm far more likely to downplay my role rather than say, "you crazy b!tch why do you think I'd do this after what you did?"
    Report Reply
  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    "Yes my place is hiring for x position. No I'm not recommending you or being a reference as I'm not happy with how I've been treated in the past by you"

    Or something like that.
    Or just basic saying LW isn't doing reference.
    Report Reply
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2021
    Unless it's an obvious lie because they know my job roles or I work for a small company, I'd probably say something like, "I don't really have anything to do with the hiring process, but X is where you can find job openings and Y is how to send your resume."

    If they pushed it and wanted me to say something, I'd probably leave it at a, "Let me know when you've submitted your resume, I'll mention it to HR/manager."

    But what I wouldn't add is that I'd pass along the good and bad info I know about her.  If I felt comfortable saying this to the HR/manager, I would mention being concerned about how she'll work with others because she has previously shown a disdain for parents, when both people work.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    flantastic said:
    I would say that I am only comfortable recommending people whose professional capabilities I have the ability to speak to, and that's not her.

    ETA I have seen people be burned professionally by recommending family or friends, regardless of whether or not they actually like them. I would not.
    I can count on one hand with fingers to spare which family and friends I would recommend for a job. And those that I would, I’ve actually worked with in the past and know exactly how they are in the workforce. I hate when people try to recommend friends and family members. It usually doesn’t end well. 


    image
    Report Reply
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    flantastic said:
    I would say that I am only comfortable recommending people whose professional capabilities I have the ability to speak to, and that's not her.

    ETA I have seen people be burned professionally by recommending family or friends, regardless of whether or not they actually like them. I would not.
    I have passed along people's resumes before that I don't know well.  But I will qualify it with that.

    I had a very tangential one.  Back when I was the one doing my hotel event board gig instead of my H, I got to know all of the hotel valets.  Sometimes we'd chit-chat for a few minutes and I mentioned to one of them that I worked for an engineering firm.  His brother had just graduated with a degree in engineering and asked if my company was hiring.  I said they were, gave him my e-mail address, and told him to tell his brother to send his resume to me.

    The brother did and I forwarded it on to our HR department.  With my e-mail, I said that I did not personally know this person, but I knew his brother who had told me he had just graduated with an engineering degree.  I know we are on the look out for engineers, so wanted to pass this resume along.

    I would have done that anyway but, not gonna lie, my company also pays (I think) $1,000 if you refer someone to them who gets hired and works there for at least 6 months.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I wouldn't do it unless I thought she would actually be a good fit, but it doesn't sound like she is. That has nothing to do with my relationship with her, just her skill set.
    Report Reply
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am generally in favor of helping people, but I would be really hesitant to recommend her just based on her attitude toward working women even if she hadn't attacked me. She's probably going to quit as soon as her husband finds a job. 
    Report Reply
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    You don't have to help her here, and I don't think you should. 
    image
    Report Reply
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    So she has been a stay-at-home mom for who knows how long, is judgemental of people who work, and doesn't seem to have long term goals since she is only looking for work now that the husband is out of work?  Nah, I'm not recommending.  And I get a bonus at work for recommendations.

    Report Reply
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I really hate the saying about hell and women helping women, etc.  I agree with @banana468 that it should be amended to "who deserve it!" or something along those lines.  I'm willing to help people out and pass along resumes (kind of comes with the territory of being an alumni of a small MBA program).  I'm familiar with the rigidity of the program and the skills applicants will have coming out of it.  But no way would i do that if they have actively been shitty to me in the past or were horrible to work with in school. 
    Report Reply
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MyNameIsNot said:
    I am generally in favor of helping people, but I would be really hesitant to recommend her just based on her attitude toward working women even if she hadn't attacked me. She's probably going to quit as soon as her husband finds a job. 
    I hadn't thought of that, but another good reason the LW wouldn't want to recommend her.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards