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Sure, be hopeful. But also, be realistic.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been seeing a guy who is in an open long-distance relationship. His relationship has been open for more than a year, but he hasn’t been with anyone other than his partner until he met me. Our relationship is more than just sex, we have lots in common and we want the same things in life. After about three months of dating I became more attached, but now that the COVID travel bans are lifted, he can finally travel to see her. Before he left, I told him how I felt, but he said he couldn’t withdraw his commitment with his partner, especially after three years of relationship. But he also said “we’ll see how it goes” when he comes back. I don’t think I can handle the potential hurt and disappointment, so I stepped away. But is it wrong that I remain hopeful?

— Resigned

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Re: Sure, be hopeful. But also, be realistic.

  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It’s only wrong to be hopeful because it’s going to wind up causing you pain. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You need to figure out how you'll handle what will happen if you're not "chosen".  It's likely that you're more into this than he is.  
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    He’s in an open relationship but by extension you are too because you’re sleeping with someone who sleeps with other people. He was clear about this. If you are not comfortable with that arrangement, that’s fine! But there is likely disappointment coming if he only wants to continue the relationship as it has been and not become exclusive. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Not everyone is cut out for polyamory. If you're not, you need to accept that and walk away from this relationship.  

    What's not ok is asking someone to end things with their primary partner because you want them to be your monogamous partner. If you respect this person, you need to respect that an open relationship is a relationship, not an invitation for you to try to break them up. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If it's important for the LW to, in general, be in a monogamous relationship, then they need to move on to someone else and stop pining for him.  Because it is not going to be this guy.  He already likes being in a polyamorous relationship.  Maybe that's because his main partner is long distance.  But it might also be because he just isn't a monogamous kind of guy.

    I think they did the right thing for themselves to step away.  Now they need to stay away.

    I'm also curious how the LW knows it's an open relationship.  Because, unless she's met or had a video-call with the other woman, he could just be a cheater who is lying to his g/f.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    short+sassy said:
    If it's important for the LW to, in general, be in a monogamous relationship, then they need to move on to someone else and stop pining for him.  Because it is not going to be this guy.  He already likes being in a polyamorous relationship.  Maybe that's because his main partner is long distance.  But it might also be because he just isn't a monogamous kind of guy.

    I think they did the right thing for themselves to step away.  Now they need to stay away.

    I'm also curious how the LW knows it's an open relationship.  Because, unless she's met or had a video-call with the other woman, he could just be a cheater who is lying to his g/f.
    That's also a good point.  I only know definitively one couple that are in a poly relationship and it's because they themselves announced it together.  


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