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How to thank people if you don't know if they came

knottie148fdac221cbdcfcknottie148fdac221cbdcfc member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi Ladies!  I have a question about thank you note etiquette and the best way to go about this unique situation.  For background:  my family is quote formal and I sent out thank you notes right away after our wedding.  We had a separate wedding reception 2 months later in my husband's hometown (as we are over 1,000 miles away from where he and I are from).  Our actual wedding was very formal with assigned seats and I know exactly who came so I could easily send out thank you notes, plus almost every person gave a gift so that also helped us know for sure the person was there later even though I remember everyone specifically.  My in-laws planned most of our reception in my husband's hometown as they knew all the people they wanted to invite.  Because it was just a reception, it was open house style in a large venue space and we ended up having many people come (many who I didn't even get to talk to even though we stood in a meet and greet line the ENTIRE time trying to thank everyone), some who didn't RSVP and some who did (while others who RSVP'ed that they were coming did not come).  I'm not sure if it's just a cultural thing as my husband is from the Pacific Northwest, but when I sat down to write thank you notes, I realized that less than about 25% of the people who came brought a gift.  My question is... do I try and make my husband remember all the people who were there so we can thank them for coming even though they didn't bring anything or make an attempt to talk to us?  It seems strange to me to show up to an event like this and not bring a gift as I would never do that, even as a poor college student (the guests were mostly people who make 90k+ a year so not exactly poor, otherwise it would be different).  My concern is if I send a thank you note to one person who I remember being there but then didn't send a thank you note to another person who I never saw/didn't know who they were ect. and then they talk about it later and the other one wonders why they didn't get a thank you note... I don't want anyone's feelings to be hurt.  My husband says to just write the thank you notes to the people who brought gifts and be done with it.  What is the most respectful approach? 
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Re: How to thank people if you don't know if they came

  • knottie148fdac221cbdcfcknottie148fdac221cbdcfc member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    awk *quite* formal :D
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    knottie148fdac221cbdcfc said:
    Hi Ladies!  I have a question about thank you note etiquette and the best way to go about this unique situation.  For background:  my family is quote formal and I sent out thank you notes right away after our wedding.  We had a separate wedding reception 2 months later in my husband's hometown (as we are over 1,000 miles away from where he and I are from).  Our actual wedding was very formal with assigned seats and I know exactly who came so I could easily send out thank you notes, plus almost every person gave a gift so that also helped us know for sure the person was there later even though I remember everyone specifically.  My in-laws planned most of our reception in my husband's hometown as they knew all the people they wanted to invite.  Because it was just a reception, it was open house style in a large venue space and we ended up having many people come (many who I didn't even get to talk to even though we stood in a meet and greet line the ENTIRE time trying to thank everyone), some who didn't RSVP and some who did (while others who RSVP'ed that they were coming did not come).  I'm not sure if it's just a cultural thing as my husband is from the Pacific Northwest, but when I sat down to write thank you notes, I realized that less than about 25% of the people who came brought a gift.  My question is... do I try and make my husband remember all the people who were there so we can thank them for coming even though they didn't bring anything or make an attempt to talk to us?  It seems strange to me to show up to an event like this and not bring a gift as I would never do that, even as a poor college student (the guests were mostly people who make 90k+ a year so not exactly poor, otherwise it would be different).  My concern is if I send a thank you note to one person who I remember being there but then didn't send a thank you note to another person who I never saw/didn't know who they were ect. and then they talk about it later and the other one wonders why they didn't get a thank you note... I don't want anyone's feelings to be hurt.  My husband says to just write the thank you notes to the people who brought gifts and be done with it.  What is the most respectful approach? 
    I’m with tour husband on this. Write TYs for the gifts and be done. People aren’t required to bring gifts and you don’t need to send a thank you just for attending. No one likely to talk about not getting a TY when they didn’t bring a gift. 
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  • geebee908geebee908 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You thank people for coming while they are at the event. If some of those attending chose not to participate in your meet and greet line, then they also chose not to receive your thanks for attending. I don't think they'd be expecting a TY note just for showing up that day. Just send TY notes for the gifts you received.
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You don't send a TY note for attending an event - only for a gift. This is true for a wedding reception that is held the day of the event. No one is required to bring a gift to either a wedding or a party to celebrate a wedding. However, I always do. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    These are your husband's family and family friends. He should be writing thank you notes to the people who gave gifts. You don't send notes to thank people for coming to a party.

    Your attitude about gifts is pretty gross. I can't imagine how you think their income is any of your business. Gifts are never required of anyone, no matter how much they earn. 
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  • knottie148fdac221cbdcfcknottie148fdac221cbdcfc member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Thanks, yeah, I've actually read many etiquette sites that say you should still write a TY for just attending so I was mind boggled at how I would know who attended if they didn't introduce themselves. :-) 
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  • knottie148fdac221cbdcfcknottie148fdac221cbdcfc member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Oh interesting, where I'm from we actually do send thank you notes to people who attend a party such as a birthday party, retirement party, ect.  We are a much more traditional household where the lady of the house takes care of more domestic things such as writing thank you notes, so that's why I am managing this task rather than my husband and we prefer it this way.  I'm sorry if you thought my attitude was "gross." I certainly wouldn't expect 100% of guests to bring a gift, but did find it rather off that over 150 people showed up and didn't even bring a card or sign the guest book to show they were there, ate the food we provided and then left.  Call me old fashioned, but that's gross behavior.  
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  • knottie148fdac221cbdcfcknottie148fdac221cbdcfc member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Yeah, even if you can't afford to bring a gift it is definitely proper etiquette to bring a congratulatory card.  This would have allowed me to place who people were later.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Team Husband for this one - only send a Thank you note to those who gave gifts...
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I'm also team husband.  Also @knottie148fdac221cbdcfc I think you are remiss in what is proper etiquette.  A card is not a requirement to attend a party and no guests on your H's side were remiss in etiquette if they did not bring one.  

    Your husband is correct that only those who brought gifts need to be thanked because the thank you note is for the gift and you should have verbally thanked them for the event. 

    I may be reading into more of this than necessary but PLEASE do not use this as a way to say that there's a group of people on his side that are somehow less civilized than those who attended the actual wedding.  People came to wish you well and that was the purpose of the event.  It was not a gift-giving occasion so those guests were more than OK.  


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  • knottie148fdac221cbdcfcknottie148fdac221cbdcfc member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Maybe to make it make more sense- there are many many threads on this site that say you should give a thank you note to people who didn't bring a gift, which is why I was so confused on what to do.  I don't know anyone else in a situation where less than 25% of guests brought gifts/cards...  Also, everyone who came to the reception in my husband's hometown was given a real invitation to the actual wedding, so it wasn't like they weren't invited to it.  They chose not to come because of distance (understandable) however many people came to both and many people actually did travel far to come to the actual wedding.  So it wasn't like a potluck BBQ in someone's backyard... it was a proper event where we paid thousands for gorgeous flowers to replicate the ones at teh actual wedding, food, cake, decor, a craft brewery with several kegs, and a nice venue, just like an actual wedding reception that takes place after a wedding.  
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  • knottie148fdac221cbdcfcknottie148fdac221cbdcfc member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    And honestly I think what I want to get down to is I think it's unacceptable that this many people came without a thing and didn't even say "hi" us.  That's the part that hurt the most.  It's hard to think highly of people when they show up, eat/drink/have a merry time, and then don't even talk to you in person let alone leave a card. I guess it's a lesson to myself to continue to teach my children to ALWAYS greet the hosts and bring a gift, even something small, at any kind of event so they don't feel like a slap in the face to someone putting in the effort.
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  • knottie148fdac221cbdcfcknottie148fdac221cbdcfc member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    We're not on "teams." :-) My husband and I are one unit.  Just trying to discuss the most polite thing to do and get some feedback from what I thought was a proper etiquette forum. :-) 
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    knottie numbers, I don't know what threads on this site you have been reading that says a thank you note for attending is required. I have never seen that anywhere - here or in other etiquette sites. You need to move on. Yes, I think it is rude to not bring a gift to a wedding but there is nothing to be done about that. Get your favorite beverage and a cupcake and move on. You are married to your H and that is what is important.

    It is not the guest's job to make sure they speak to the bride and groom, it is the B&G's job to make sure they speak to all their guests. That's what table visits are for and receiving lines ( I know you had one). I was at a wedding recently where the B&G didn't go around and talk to their guests. That really left a bad taste in my mouth. I did seek the bride out (have known her since she was born) to congratulate her, but she should have found us to speak to. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    knottie148fdac221cbdcfc said:
    And honestly I think what I want to get down to is I think it's unacceptable that this many people came without a thing and didn't even say "hi" us.  That's the part that hurt the most.  It's hard to think highly of people when they show up, eat/drink/have a merry time, and then don't even talk to you in person let alone leave a card. I guess it's a lesson to myself to continue to teach my children to ALWAYS greet the hosts and bring a gift, even something small, at any kind of event so they don't feel like a slap in the face to someone putting in the effort.
    I will say that if you made the effort to either stand in a greeting spot or you sought those guests and some bypassed you then that's truly unfortunate especially if the guests just avoided you.  

    Sometimes those things happen.  If this appeared to be a pattern of behavior and it's still bothering you I think you need to shrug it off at this point.  The event is over.  

    I would also love to know where you've seen that guests need an actual note for attending.  A thank you note is sent for a gift.  It is not necessary or expected to send a physical note for attending. 

    I will say though that I agree with you when it comes to telling future kids that you must make an effort to seek the hosts of an event and thank them. My own daughter just turned 11 and we drilled it into her on the way to her birthday party that every guest needed to be greeted on arrival and every guest needed to be thanked upon departure.  
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