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I don't think he wants a kid.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I have wanted children for years, and my husband of 10 years has always had a million excuses for why we weren’t ready. He has a young adult son, and money seems to always be a factor. However, I’ve busted my hump and have carved out a six-figure career with the flexibility that I need. I’m also at my fertility cliff.

We’ve never had any accidental pregnancies, which I assume is tied to him having cancer four years before we met. There’s a strong possibility that we’ll need intervention, and I finally got him to agree to see a fertility specialist, but he’s missed three appointments in 2021—the first scheduled in January. I told him that I’m having a baby with or without his input. With the help of our couples counselor, he said he’d finally make the fourth appointment and though he tried, he missed that one too. The next one I could get for him is spring 2022, over a year after I first declared I was ready to have a baby. Would I be a bad wife for seeking out a sperm donor? I’ve worked hard to make myself good mom material, and neither of us is getting any younger.

— Baby Boss

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Re: I don't think he wants a kid.

  • CasadenaCasadena member
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    You are on different planets about this.  It's pretty much the definition of bad wife to have a baby with another person without your spouses input.  Either you are married and on the same page, or go your separate ways and have the baby that you want.  I don't think you can have both. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Get a divorce and have a baby on your own. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    He "missed" the appointments?  

    He doesn't want a kid.  He had a kid and doesn't want another one.  You need to figure out which you want more: a baby or that marriage.  If you will constantly think that you missed out by not being a mother you need to find a divorce attorney because nothing good will come of your constant nagging or threatening to have a baby without his help.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    I wonder if a doctor would go forward with donor sperm without LW and H signing off on it?  There has to be some sort of legalities that need to be covered before just shooting LW up with sperm.  Since LW is married to H, he may be the default father in this scenario. 

    Also, who wants to raise a kid with someone who's so disinterested?  I'm not saying you can't love a donor sperm kid like it's your own, but if he doesn't want the kid in the first place and LW forges ahead with donor sperm anyway, I don't see how LW's H won't just wash his hands of it all.  Not great circumstances to bring a child into the world under.  

    Furthermore, what if a viable pregnancy doesn't come out of this?  And if you're in couple's therapy, what does your therapist have to say about this?  

    LW seems to have tunnel vision in the worst way. 
    A doctor absolutely would not! There are so many forms. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    LW, your H doesn’t want to be a dad becuase he doesn’t want to donate his sperm to you.  He doesn’t want to be a dad because he doesn’t want to.  If you bring a baby into the house, still married - he’ll end up being the dad he didn’t want to be regardless. 

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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I also know of a couple where the wife is my age and the H is at least 10 years older.  He has kids from a prior marriage that are on the way out of HS or in college while they also have a young daughter younger than my son.

    Anytime something comes up friends will say that the wife isn't coming out because she can't get anyone to watch the daughter when the H will be home.  They think his accepting of having a kid was, "The lions share of this will be on you" and she had to accept that going in.  I hope she thinks it's what she wants out of both the marriage and parenting. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    He didn’t try to make those appointments and he’s not going to keep the one in the spring either. 

    If you’re ready to have a baby on your own you need to tell him you’re ready for a divorce. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I took the OP's ultimatum as informing her H that having a baby is more important to her than their marriage.  So he can either get with the program or get out.  Because she is having a baby either way.  She should.  He has wasted enough of her time.

    He knew when they got married that having children was very important to her and (probably) a deal breaker.  And now he has strung her along for TEN YEARS.  Even in a best case scenario, he thought he'd be ready to have another child and changed his mind.  Except he has still never leveled with her and told her that.  It's one thing for him to change his mind.  It's quite another for him to still be avoiding this important issue.  In a worst case but still very possible scenario, he's been a bold-faced liar the whole time and assumed she'd eventually change HER mind about kids.  Either way, this guy sucks.

    The LW should have dumped him a long time ago.  But I know it's hard when hindsight is 20/20 and, in good faith, you believed the person you love when they said they would have children with you. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    It sounds like you need to spend more time with the couples counselor than with the fertility counselor. A baby is not something you can compromise on; you can't have half a kid. 

    You probably need to divorce him and go it alone, but howTF are you 10 years into a marriage without being able to talk about this honestly? I think I'd want to try to figure out how I got there. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think it's more than clear at this point that you and your husband are not even close to being on the same page about having kids. Did he give you the impression before you got married that he wanted more children? Why are you only figuring this all out now?

    The reality is that at this point, you have to choose between having a baby and staying married to your husband. You can't "agree to disagree" on having children, and do you really want to stick around and either miss out on parenthood entirely or have a baby with somebody who doesn't really want one? 
    image
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    MesmrEwe said:
    Anyone else thinking "Dude had a vasectomy and she doesn't know..."???  
    That never occurred to me!

    Uh oh.  The plot thickens.  That would explain a lot.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Cancer or vasectomy, he's not being honest with her. 

    What I don't understand is how she doesn't see it.    This is up there with someone saying, "We've been together for years and he's never introduced me to the family and I'm never invited to be with him for holidays.  I don't know why!"   
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