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Trust your BF to respect you enough to have boundaries.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I need your advice please. I have a guy I’ve been committed to for eight months now. We’ve both been smitten with each other, but recently someone he used to talk to came around wanting attention. He, as far as I know, hasn’t been talking to her. Very, very late at night recently she contacted him saying she “needed him,” but just before that she sent an email saying “I’m deleting you cause you don’t talk to me.” It turns out her son has cancer. This is sad, but why does she need to contact him of all people (not her husband, or girlfriend)? I’m not possessive or jealous, but I feel that this is not an okay thing to do. So my question is, am I crazy to think this is overstepping a boundary for me? Thank you so much for your perspective.

— Feeling Shocked

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Re: Trust your BF to respect you enough to have boundaries.

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    LW, it never ends well when a current partner steps to a former partner they don't know to tell them what's up.  You've described a situation where your BF has ignored her attempts at contact and told you that she was contacting them and the content of said messages.  What else do you want? 

    You will seem overbearing if you don't let him handle this.  Also if he did want to respond to tell her that he's sorry to hear about her son, that's OK too.  

    And remember the true golden rule; you cannot control other's actions, only your reaction to them.  So if you trust your BF, stop worrying about her. 
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Agree, @mrsconn23. I'm thinking that your BF has ignored her and told you about all this contact - I'm not sure what else you want.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    He ignored her, told you about, and from what’s here seems like he’s being transparent. What is it exactly you’d like him to do here? You can have your feels about her unsuccessfully reaching out to him but acting on them in anyway seems to be disproportionate to the actual situation. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2021
    Also, I'm a little confused regarding LW's seeming dismissal of her BF's past and what this person may have meant to him.  She's someone he 'used to talk to'?  Really?  Because it sounds a little more serious than that if she felt the need to tell him about her son's diagnosis. 

    I want to know how recent of a former whatever this person was and if he had a relationship with her son.  If BF had an affection for the kid, then she may be coming from a place of, "I don't want anything from him, but he was nice to my kid and spent time with him so I want him to know."   I'm not discounting attention whoreness of people, but there's something off about LW's reaction here.  Being mean about a kid with cancer just makes you the asshole in most situations. 

    Also, the former partner has a husband now? Or she was married when with LW's BF? 

    LW I *need* answers!! 

    (I keep editing because I think of new things, LOL But seriously, this LW really bothers me!)
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    It sounds to me like your boyfriend is being open and honest with you about the situation and has not been responsive toward this woman. You need to trust him. 

    And honestly, while he shouldn't allow himself to become her primary support during this difficult time, given that her child has cancer, I think it would be perfectly reasonable for him to send a text along the lines of, "I'm so sorry to hear about your son, I hope everything will be okay." And if she were to keep reaching out from time to time to let him know what's going on, would it really be so awful if he responded, so long as he just stuck to being a kind and supportive friend? 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    LW, you are actually jealous. 

    It's how you choose to deal with it that will determine how this all plays out.  It is okay to be jealous, emotions happen, they're not always valid, and there's not much you can do about them.  What you can do, is control your reactions to them and the choices you make based off of them.  Don't go after your BF, who sounds like he's continuing clear and open communication.  Work on the base root of the emotion with yourself.
    �
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    No, you don't get to set "boundaries" and tell your partner's ex that she can't reach out to him about her sick kid. That's not boundaries, that's trying to control someone you don't even have a relationship with. 

    Boyfriend isn't doing anything out of line here. He's not continuing a close relationship, he's not dropping anything to help her, he's not even talking to her! It sounds like you need to think about why you're so upset about him getting a couple of messages from an ex. You say that you aren't possessive or jealous, but it seems that you are exactly possessive and jealous. Reflect on why that is. Maybe it's baggage from your past, maybe it's something else he's doing that you haven't put your finger on, maybe it's something else. 
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