Dear Prudence,
After two years being single and working hard on myself, I’ve finally met someone I really connect with. He is intelligent, ambitious, and highly creative—we both work in the same competitive field, albeit on opposite spectrums. I find it near impossible to find someone with the same drive as me, and he’s so fun and easy to get along with (plus we have insane animal sex, which is a bonus). We have only been seeing each other for five weeks—still in that romantic, obsessive stage where we are seeing each other every day. It’s been going great and I am over the moon—BUT about a week ago, this man asked me (casually, respectfully) if I had an eating disorder. This threw me, I panicked, laughed, said no. He said something vague about that being a relief, as he was not sure how to deal with it if I did.
I have been struggling with anorexia for 10 years now, and have been in and out of treatment. This year has been the toughest one yet—I spent most of it very ill in hospital. My lowest point came when the public treatment program I have been cycling through declined to help me any further, indicating I was likely going to need long-term care and that they could no longer cater to me. Since then, I’ve been taking alternative routes and doing the best I can.
I’m in my mid 20s and have denied myself even casual dating until I felt I was in a stable mental position. So it’s been nearly two years, and after putting SO much work into my recovery this year, I felt astounded to meet this man and for things to go well so fast! However, I feel absolutely mortified that he picked up on my condition almost immediately—I don’t think it’s because of my body, but probably because of small comments I’ve made (which I am continuously trying to work on!). In any case, I am EXTREMELY private about my eating disorder, and despite my first hospital stay being over ten years ago, I have still been very deeply in denial until this year. It has been hard enough to admit I have a problem to myself—so why should I have to disclose it to a man I’ve just met?
I feel so conflicted—I don’t want to lie, and this may be something that affects my whole life going forward. But on the other hand, this is so complicated and deeply personal, and I don’t want to talk to him about it yet. Am I bad for lying? Is this something I need to disclose early on? I feel like the stigma around eating disorders is so bad that if I have to tell people about it after the first few weeks of dating, I will never find a partner.
— Worried