Ummm...wut?

mrsconn23 · January 2022

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have been married for 11 wonderful years. We’re also both 25, having gotten married at 14, with our parents heavily involved in arranging it, in rural Massachusetts where we’re both from. (And yes, this is legal back home.) We’ve since moved out of the state, into a city, and tried to make friends and build our careers.

It has been a nightmare. We’ve had the cops called on us twice on the day of me telling someone about it, and like four out of every five people I’ve told have advised me to run away from my “abuser,” with any insistence that I am not in fact being abused simply brushed under the rug since I’m so clearly in denial. I get it. It is not anywhere close to the norm in modern day culture, but we really are good for each other, and I really wouldn’t have wanted to do anything differently. Only I can’t seem to convince anyone I know of this. I don’t know how to approach people or mention my marital status without instant disapproval. What should I do?

— Should I Just Lie

CharmedPam · January 2022

I don’t get this. If you told someone you were married at 14… you MUST have been close to them. Trusted them enough with that. Otherwise, to your neighbors don’t you look like a young married couple?

charlotte989875 · January 2022

Okay wait- you tell people how old you are, how long you’ve been married, and they’re calling the cops saying you’re being abused? Something doesn’t add up but taking this as true- why are you telling people these specifics.

“How long have you been married”

”oh we’ve been together since we were in school”

”How old are you”

”well, how old are you?”

If there’s something else triggering these comments (how you’re husband acts, if he’s actually significantly older than you and not 25) then maybe there’s something you should be paying attention to. But otherwise stop telling people information they don’t need.

STARMOON44 · January 2022

This is nonsense. Even in rural MA child marriage is unheard of. There is no reason why you need to tell anyone you did this. Clearly made up.

maine7mob · January 2022

I smell some BS here. If you're going to make up a letter, maybe you'd better pick a state that is more stereotypically associated with child marriage, because Massachusetts ain't it.

But if this letter is real, the OP does not need to tell anyone how long she has been married. And if people are concerned for other reasons (signs of abuse, etc.), that's a different story.

banana468 · January 2022

I'm thinking that if this is not made up the LW and the H are members of a very conservative religious group. I'm thinking homeschooling, etc.

That said, if the LW brings this up as a person then I am thinking LW is not as well adjusted as she thinks, and constantly sharing this is a sign that they are missing a lot.

LW likely needs a quality therapist.

flantastic · January 2022

If LW is telling everyone this whole backstory all the time, instead of just acting like a normal 25yo married couple, the neighbors may be thinking it's coded language for "I didn't have a choice in this, help me."

mrsconn23 · January 2022

There's actually more states than we think that don't have laws on the books preventing child marriage. It's horrifying, but it's basically like anything else that just doesn't get addressed since there are more pressing matters and societal norms change. Those types of laws usually don't come up for repeal unless there's a push to do so (usually borne from outrage over said thing). IDK about MA specifically, but it's interesting how many things we accept as 'the law' that may not be. People who have time on their hands love to find those loopholes.

Anyway, if this is a real letter...this LW sounds extremely naïve and is likely stunted due to their status as being married since their early teen years. Also if they were living in that environment (which sounds like it was possibly extremely religious to the point of being cult-like?) until they broke away to the 'big city', they were likely held back/repressed even post-marriage. I can't imagine the 'raising' ended at 14 just because LW got married. They had to be living with some sort of parental authority.

But there's definitely something fantastical about this letter that makes it unbelievable. LW is either suffering from extremely unaware word-vomit that makes people concerned or they're overstating the reactions they receive (or it's a fake letter).

banana468 · January 2022

mrsconn23 said:

There's actually more states than we think that don't have laws on the books preventing child marriage. It's horrifying, but it's basically like anything else that just doesn't get addressed since there are more pressing matters and societal norms change. Those types of laws usually don't come up for repeal unless there's a push to do so (usually borne from outrage over said thing). IDK about MA specifically, but it's interesting how many things we accept as 'the law' that may not be. People who have time on their hands love to find those loopholes.

Anyway, if this is a real letter...this LW sounds extremely naïve and is likely stunted due to their status as being married since their early teen years. Also if they were living in that environment (which sounds like it was possibly extremely religious to the point of being cult-like?) until they broke away to the 'big city', they were likely held back/repressed even post-marriage. I can't imagine the 'raising' ended at 14 just because LW got married. They had to be living with some sort of parental authority.

But there's definitely something fantastical about this letter that makes it unbelievable. LW is either suffering from extremely unaware word-vomit that makes people concerned or they're overstating the reactions they receive (or it's a fake letter).

This is coming off to me as Duggar-esque in terms of how the family behaves. If it's real, it's because the LW's family and spouse's family are aligned in their cult-like approach.

I'm not sure about MA or even the current law in my state but even 50 years ago my MIL had to get her mom to sign a permission slip to marry FIL because she was 19.

What I think LW is not "getting" is that getting married at the beginning of your adolescence has stopped being the norm for hundreds of years. People are referring to her as "abused" and likely because her PARENTS did this.

I think of this when I also look at situations like Josh and Anna Duggar.

short+sassy · January 2022

It says in the letter they were both 14, so at least there's that. I'd say they were both abused and had their childhood robbed from them by sick parents.

I hate to be the bearer of disturbing news, but I just looked it up. Child marriage wasn't outlawed in Mass. until 2017. Before that, with parent and judicial permission, girls as young as 12 could get married and boys as young as 14 could get married.

I also don't know why this couple is blabbing their age and how long they've been married to so many people, but it also doesn't make sense that people would call the police just from that statement. Because she isn't 14 anymore so there's nothing to call about. If that's a true account of why they are calling the police. But I don't think it is.

Child marriage in the US generally doesn't happen outside of fundamentalist religions who act like women/girls are nothing but chattel. So I doubt the LW's H is some cool, normal guy who treats his wife like an equal. Maybe people are actually calling the police they've seen him hit her or, at the very least, have witnessed him browbeating her into submission so badly that they are worried for her safety.

banana468 · January 2022

short+sassy said:

It says in the letter they were both 14, so at least there's that. I'd say they were both abused and had their childhood robbed from them by sick parents.

I hate to be the bearer of disturbing news, but I just looked it up. Child marriage wasn't outlawed in Mass. until 2017. Before that, with parent and judicial permission, girls as young as 12 could get married and boys as young as 14 could get married.

I also don't know why this couple is blabbing their age and how long they've been married to so many people, but it also doesn't make sense that people would call the police just from that statement. Because she isn't 14 anymore so there's nothing to call about. If that's a true account of why they are calling the police. But I don't think it is.

Child marriage in the US generally doesn't happen outside of fundamentalist religions who act like women/girls are nothing but chattel. So I doubt the LW's H is some cool, normal guy who treats his wife like an equal. Maybe people are actually calling the police they've seen him hit her or, at the very least, have witnessed him browbeating her into submission so badly that they are worried for her safety.

Or perhaps she's 24 and has such fundamentalist views that they're very concerned that a 24 year old is wearing clothing that is so matronly and conservative so she "doesn't tempt men" that it comes across as someone who has been beaten down so much to think that pants themselves are just enticing men to look at her crotch.

MyNameIsNot · January 2022

Oh man, this one is giving me flashbacks. A million years ago when I first started practicing law, I used to take appointed cases in juvenile court. The amount of really disturbing abuse that happens right under our noses is shocking. I'll spare you the details, but incest was not uncommon.

This LW may be MUD, but it does happen. The worst ones are where the parents know how to avoid detection, like by not making marriage legal, home schooling, extreme religion and fear of outsiders.

short+sassy · January 2022

MyNameIsNot said:

Oh man, this one is giving me flashbacks. A million years ago when I first started practicing law, I used to take appointed cases in juvenile court. The amount of really disturbing abuse that happens right under our noses is shocking. I'll spare you the details, but incest was not uncommon.

This LW may be MUD, but it does happen. The worst ones are where the parents know how to avoid detection, like by not making marriage legal, home schooling, extreme religion and fear of outsiders.

My H has been married twice before. His first wife had two cousins...who were brother and sister to each other...that regularly had sex together as teenagers. I don't think the authorities were ever called. But it was commonly known in the family.

I'm not sure if it was commonly known while it was happening, though that would be my guess. But at least after the fact, yeah.

missJeanLouise · January 2022

short+sassy said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Oh man, this one is giving me flashbacks. A million years ago when I first started practicing law, I used to take appointed cases in juvenile court. The amount of really disturbing abuse that happens right under our noses is shocking. I'll spare you the details, but incest was not uncommon.

This LW may be MUD, but it does happen. The worst ones are where the parents know how to avoid detection, like by not making marriage legal, home schooling, extreme religion and fear of outsiders.

My H has been married twice before. His first wife had two cousins...who were brother and sister to each other...that regularly had sex together as teenagers. I don't think the authorities were ever called. But it was commonly known in the family.

I'm not sure if it was commonly known while it was happening, though that would be my guess. But at least after the fact, yeah.

I am not sure that sex between cousins is illegal in a lot of places. I feel like when we got married in GA, first cousins were allowed to get married. But I could be wrong. It is way more common around the world than I ever thought though.

LW's problem is not a problem though. You can't control others people's reaction to your uncommon situation. Either lie to people you are just meeting or learn to get over their shock. Because it is shocking. But no body is calling the police because you got married (too) young, there has to be more to this story.

short+sassy · January 2022

missJeanLouise said:

short+sassy said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Oh man, this one is giving me flashbacks. A million years ago when I first started practicing law, I used to take appointed cases in juvenile court. The amount of really disturbing abuse that happens right under our noses is shocking. I'll spare you the details, but incest was not uncommon.

This LW may be MUD, but it does happen. The worst ones are where the parents know how to avoid detection, like by not making marriage legal, home schooling, extreme religion and fear of outsiders.

My H has been married twice before. His first wife had two cousins...who were brother and sister to each other...that regularly had sex together as teenagers. I don't think the authorities were ever called. But it was commonly known in the family.

I'm not sure if it was commonly known while it was happening, though that would be my guess. But at least after the fact, yeah.

I am not sure that sex between cousins is illegal in a lot of places. I feel like when we got married in GA, first cousins were allowed to get married. But I could be wrong. It is way more common around the world than I ever thought though.

LW's problem is not a problem though. You can't control others people's reaction to your uncommon situation. Either lie to people you are just meeting or learn to get over their shock. Because it is shocking. But no body is calling the police because you got married (too) young, there has to be more to this story.

You misread my post.

They were first cousins of my H's ex-wife. But the two people having sex were brother and sister.

I generally don't have an issue with first cousins being involved with each other, though I know other people do. For me, it depends on a little on their childhood relationship. If they were close growing up and emotionally like siblings, then I find it a little creepy personally. But that's my own opinion and I acknowledge it doesn't even make sense since I don't otherwise feel creeped out.

But if they barely knew each other as children. Or met as adults. Then I don't think it's weird.

I have the same attitude about step-siblings and adopted siblings. Not biologically related at all, but still feels a bit "ick" if they were raised like siblings.

As an aside, my H is adopted. He told me one of his aunts had three daughters who were really good looking. But he still recoiled at the thought of becoming involved with one of them because he grew up with them as part of his extended family, even if he wasn't biologically related to them.

missJeanLouise · January 2022

@short+sassy omg, I certainly did misread it!

levioosa · January 2022

missJeanLouise said:

@short+sassy omg, I certainly did misread it!

I misread it too, @missJeanLouise. And then I was all

Ummm...wut?

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