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He publicly disrespected your boundaries, full stop.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I got married just before Christmas and am hoping to be divorced or annulled by the end of January. Obviously, that wasn’t the plan originally, but …

I never cared about getting married, but I wasn’t opposed to it. So when my boyfriend proposed in 2020, we decided to go for it. We each took on about half the responsibility for organizing the wedding, but I think I was pretty reasonable about compromise when he really wanted something. My only hard-and-fast rule was that he would not rub cake in my face at the reception.

Being a reasonable man who knows me well, he didn’t. Instead, he grabbed me by the back of the head and shoved my head down into it. It was planned since the cake was DESTROYED, and he had a bunch of cupcakes as back-up.

I left. Next day I told him we were done. I am standing by that. The thing is that over the holidays EVERYONE has gotten together to tell me I should give him a second chance. That I am overreacting because of my issues (I am VERY claustrophobic after a car accident years ago, and I absolutely panicked at being shoved into a cake and held there). That I love him (even though right now I don’t feel that at all), he loves me, and that means not giving up at the first hurdle. I don’t want to, but everyone is so united and confident in their assurance I am making a terrible mistake that I wonder if they are right.

— Give Him ‘Till February?

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Re: He publicly disrespected your boundaries, full stop.

  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    Nope. He broke a boundary you had.
    Plus this cake smashing thing is dangerous and stupid.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Listen to your gut and hold fast. People can think or say whatever they want, but you know you are better off with someone who intentionally forces you past your boundaries in order to publicly humiliate you. How could you ever trust him again after this? 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    Valid, LW, and stand strong by your decision.  I've never understood this "tradition" but this sounds like he listened to your boundary, lied about respecting it, and then decided to seriously fvck around with a double down on breaking it.  Well, now he's finding out what these choices mean for his life.

    While you're getting that PoS out of your life, you can go ahead and drop anyone who doesn't support you in this choice as well.
    �
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    I loathe the cake in the face thing. It's obnoxious. But your issues with it go way beyond that and I can't believe this jerk couldn't (or wouldn't) understand that.

    He broke a boundary and embarrassed you in the process, not to mention triggering claustrophobia and trauma. That's not something you can just get over. If you no longer feel safe around him, you should not stay married to him. Nobody else can make that decision for you, so anyone trying to talk you out of ending the marriage can go straight to hell.
    image
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    levioosa said:
    I like to joke. Even occasionally prank (very mild stuff like putting a Miley Cyrus cut out on top of an ornament, lol or getting something terribly ugly from the dollar store or goodwill and decorating the house with it while maintaining it’s something that looks fantastic). FI has a lot of anxiety and some PTSD from a terrible accident. I am acutely aware of what can trigger him and even when I get an idea that is objectively funny, if I think it will trigger him or if I just think he wouldn’t like it, I don’t do it
    Pranks can be fun and light hearted. Also you know the line with your FI

    But side lol to Miley ornament
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Abusive. He’s seeing how much he can get away with. Get out now before he escalates. 
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    VarunaTT said:
    I'm actually really mad for LW, that people are telling her she's overreacting because of "her issues" with trauma.  Yes she is, THAT'S WHAT TRAUMA DOES.  LW doesn't need a partner who obviously doesn't understand and doesn't care to make the effort to not trigger trauma reactions, and frankly, she should be busting all the people telling her that and dropping their relationships too.


    Same.  The people making LW feel like it's their problem makes me feel really sad for them.  
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    That's super fucked. LW is right to end this marriage. And I'd have a very hard time not telling off the people in my life sticking up for him. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    While I know one needs to pick and choose battles, once you're an adult we need to get out of the practice of allowing arrogant abusive behavior to continue and to be doormats.  


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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    levioosa said:
    I like to joke. Even occasionally prank (very mild stuff like putting a Miley Cyrus cut out on top of an ornament, lol or getting something terribly ugly from the dollar store or goodwill and decorating the house with it while maintaining it’s something that looks fantastic). FI has a lot of anxiety and some PTSD from a terrible accident. I am acutely aware of what can trigger him and even when I get an idea that is objectively funny, if I think it will trigger him or if I just think he wouldn’t like it, I don’t do it. Because that’s how a partner treats you. 

    LWs H is an ass. Mayyybe I could suggest couples counseling if he had smeared cake in her face when she said she didn’t want it, but he shoved her down and held her there. when he fully knew she had claustrophobia after a traumatic experience. Holy red flag. That goes beyond disrespecting a boundary. 
    Shoving someone's face into a cake and holding it there would be atrocious for anyone.  I'm a pretty chill, easygoing person, but that would have totally ruined my wedding day and I don't even have some of the trauma issues that the LW does.  I wouldn't have divorced my H over it, but I would have cancelled our honeymoon because it would have taken me a long time to forgive it.

    But your bolded reminded me of a funny conversation my H and I had during a trip to FL (pre-pandemic).

    Back story.  Growing up, my family went on one vacation a year during the summer, but it was usually to visit extended family and we would drive to our destination to save money.  Some of those trips were to Ohio, so it was a lot of driving through the Midwest.  My sister and I loved the Stuckies that were all over the place.

    For those of you not familiar with a Stuckies, picture a large part-gas station/part-food and snacks/part-emporium.  Stuffed with thousands of items of some of the kitschiest, tackiest stuff you have ever seen.  For the little kids we were at the time, it was a glorious place.

    Back to the FL trip.  I saw off the freeway there was a Stuckies!!!!  I was so excited.  I've never seen one before, outside the Midwest, and it had probably been 35 years since I'd been in one.  I had to stop and pop in.

    My H and I walk in and go in separate directions.  ALL the kitschieness was either camouflage themed...but wait, it actually gets even worse than that...or Confederate flag themed.  I look over at my H from across the room.  We lock eyes and both have this similar expression of, "OMG, what 7th circle of Hell did we just walk into."

    We walk out at the same time.  Without saying a word to each other until we get back into the car and shut the doors.  Then we burst out laughing.  I tell him, "Ya know, I think our kitchen does need some freshening up.  But now I'm having trouble deciding between camouflage or Confederate flag for the decor."  On a more serious note, we were just stunned.  That, in this day and age, there was such a prolific display of items with a Confederate battle flag on them.  And one can only assume that they also sell well enough, that the store keeps stocking them.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    LW - time to get rid of the claustrophobia for good then make the decision...  Regardless of how things end up with the spouse/other issues, it was a wake-up call for "Time to fix that issue too..."

    (Also - what a jerk - does he not realize that there are stabilizing dowels in the structure of stacked cakes?!?!?  Really - people have taken eyes out because of doing that crap!  The days of the smashed wedding cake being funny left with the 80's..)..
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