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It's not for your to bring up. Don't do it.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My mother-in-law recently passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. My family has been devastated by her death. I strongly feel that her death was preventable, and she is not with us today because of medical negligence.

I am very afraid to bring this up with my spouse or my in-laws. I don’t know if it is my place to bring it up, and it is something we have never discussed. They seem to have fully accepted the doctor’s explanation of “there is nothing we could do,” and they are focused on moving forward in their grief. I respect this, and honestly, it’s possible they have thought about it and decided that the additional pain of a legal battle isn’t worth it. But what if they haven’t even realized all the routine medical protocols that were not followed, and genuinely have no idea?

Do you think it is something I should mention to my spouse, or do you think it is best to just accept the hand we have been dealt, and let everyone grieve as best they are able?

— Grief and Justice

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Re: It's not for your to bring up. Don't do it.

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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I think it's worth bringing up to their spouse.  But give it some time for the first shock of grief to settle.

    However, only bring it up to the spouse and then respect whatever decision they make.  It's not the LW's place to bring it up to any other family members.  Though, if another family member brings it up, I think it would be fine for the LW to say they agree and had the same thoughts.
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    What is the goal you hope to accomplish by bringing this up? If you truly think there’s a lawsuit possible & that would help the family okay, but they’re gone, the family is grieving, and if it helps them to move forward thinking there was nothing else to be done then leave it at that. 
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    I've quasi been in LW's situation. 

    MIL died a few weeks after a surgery.   I remember being concerned about her going back to work.  One of the last conversations we had, I begged her to call her doctors to extend her leave time and she didn't want to do that for her own reasons. Awhile after MIL died, SIL said something about how she thought MIL had a blood clot because of some offhand comments MIL made about a pain in her leg and it maybe being brushed off by a doctor.  I really don't remember because it's been so long. 

    I remember having the same thoughts about medical malpractice and FIL at least getting a lawyer to review to see if there was a case.  But after such a major shock like her sudden death and paired with FIL's personality (which y'all have heard about ad infinitum), there was never a time I felt comfortable bringing it up.  I think I said something to DH, but he clearly didn't feel it was worth bringing up to his dad. 

    LW, your MIL died under sad and awful circumstances.  I really think you can only bring up your suspicions to your spouse and then it will be on them to bring it to their family's table.  If they are really struggling, I feel like this could turn into a 'shoot the messenger' situation or have some sort of other unintended consequence for LW and their relationship with their IL's. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    Monday morning quarterbacks are annoying when talking about anything.

    Unless you are truly suspecting medical malpractice where those in charge could be harming others you need to stay out of it.   

    I'm coming at this as the DIL of someone who does this and it's SUPER annoying.  Her mom's been deceased for nearly 8 years and they sold her home 9 years before that.  MIL STILL says, "I think we could have sold the house for more money," as if her opinion is worth anything.  
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Yep, this is something you can only mention to your spouse, and only with the right timing. Really, LW, unless you are a medical professional of some sort, I think it's pretty unlikely that's it's an obvious act of negligence and no one but you can see it. It's entirely possible that everyone is accepting that there is no fault because that's what they want to do. It's also possible that your own grief is clouding your judgment and you're seeing fault that doesn't exist. 

    But also, you need to think about what it is that you hope the outcome would be here. Speaking as someone who's been through litigation after a death, it sucks and it doesn't bring them back. 
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    I wonder if fixating on this is the form LWs grief is taking. I was assume the LW was right in that there were errors made, but it’s possible this is their grief talking, that everything was done that could (or reasonably should have) been done, and the family recognizes that but LW is having trouble accepting that? 
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    levioosalevioosa member
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    I see this from both sides. Do things happen in healthcare? Of course. My Dad not getting an appropriate test/the test getting incredibly delayed until I raised hell in the ER as he was going into cardiogenic shock in front of me is an example. However there have been way more times when someone has had multiple complicated conditions, and they get sick and pass away, family is upset and claims malpractice, but there was literally nothing else that could have been done. Or at least nothing that would have prolonged life in any meaningful sort of way. LW can talk to their spouse, but it’s not their place to push any further and I would be truly sure it was negligence because they could be creating/opening an entire wound that does not need to be there. 


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    banana468banana468 member
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    levioosa said:
    I see this from both sides. Do things happen in healthcare? Of course. My Dad not getting an appropriate test/the test getting incredibly delayed until I raised hell in the ER as he was going into cardiogenic shock in front of me is an example. However there have been way more times when someone has had multiple complicated conditions, and they get sick and pass away, family is upset and claims malpractice, but there was literally nothing else that could have been done. Or at least nothing that would have prolonged life in any meaningful sort of way. LW can talk to their spouse, but it’s not their place to push any further and I would be truly sure it was negligence because they could be creating/opening an entire wound that does not need to be there. 
    Yup.

    And this is not to say that the LW is someone who is an expert all the time but I've seen it with others.  My late aunt insisted until she died that my mom should have had a C-section with me because she labored for a long time and she had a rough recovery with me as a first born.

    I realize that I was a baby so I can't judge but I think that what is far more realistic is that my mom was my aunt's first real-life glimpse into the realities of a first-time mom without any sugar coating, saw how recovery can make you hate your life and wanted to protect her sister.  It doesn't mean that she should have marched to the OB's office and that her opinion was valid. 
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    downtondivadowntondiva member
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    Medical malpractice claims are very complex and difficult, not to mention emotionally draining. If you can obtain some sort of records/evidence suggesting that proper protocols were not followed, something that would be worth an attorney at least reviewing, then it might be worth privately mentioning to your spouse once a bit more time has gone by (though not too much as statutes of limitations are pretty strict) and letting them decide if they want to discuss it with the rest of the family. But if you are  going off a hunch or just don't think your MIL got especially good care, then I would say to leave well enough alone and save the family some stress during this difficult time.  
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