It's unreasonable that there doesn't seem to be compromise.

Re: It's unreasonable that there doesn't seem to be compromise.

• climbingsingle member

  

  February 2022

  I'm confused. They both work evenings and weekends, but he wants to be married to someone that doesn't work weekends?

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• banana468 member

  

  February 2022

  They need to talk and figure out things.
  
  Also, what they need to do is begin to discuss both his desire for her to change jobs and what their childcare plans are.  If they both work weekends then they are going to need to start to brainstorm alternate childcare arrangements because a daycare center won't work. 
  
  
  I'm not saying that the H is in the right here but the LW also needs to look at the current situation, talk to the H and figure out, "What is our plan for childcare once there is a baby?"   LW is frustrated with the H but hasn't expressed what the plan will be for a baby if they're both out of the house. 

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  February 2022

  He hates his job, works more hours, but she has to be the one to quit? 

  
  

  It’s probably not the right time to have a baby because your H sucks. 

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  February 2022

  Are you sure you want to raise a child with someone that you can't discuss career plans with? 

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  February 2022 edited February 2022

  Exactly @charlotte989875.  Why does she have to quit if he's unhappy with his job/career?  Especially when LW is about to (maybe?) get a major promotion.  Ugh.  LW, stand up for yourself.  Tell him you're happy and satisfied with your career. 
  
  I'd hope if you've done IVF and have embryos that you've had the conversations about how children will be cared for while you're working. What were those conversations like when he was less dissatisfied with his job? 
  
  I mean you could certainly look at is schedule structure since that is a valid concern, especially since daycare does exist in very limited hours.  If there is a lot of weekend time, are there comp days where you take a day off during the week? Or are you working M-Sat because that's the demands of the job?  If you're looking at a promotion, how does that change your hours and expectations of availability?  Would the promotion provide enough money that he can quit and find another job/career OR stay home with a child? 
  
  His line in the sand is completely unreasonable.  But LW really needs to come around to viewing it as a jumping off point.  In LW's position, I'd state I was happy with my career and push the focus onto helping H become happier in his work life or with the work/life balance. 

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• short+sassy member

  

  February 2022

  @charlotte989875 and @mrsconn23, I think you all are misreading one of the sentences in the letter.  The H wants BOTH of them to find new jobs before they do the transfer.
  
  I assume it is already a given that the H is looking for another job and will hopefully have another one soon.  So I don't necessarily see him as totally the bad guy.  But the LW likes her job and is unsure if she wants to leave it.  Which is also fair.
  
  I'm also curious if she could negotiate different hours with her promotion.  Because I do see both sides.  They already don't see each other much and currently work a similar schedule.  But if the H goes to a day job that is weekdays only, while the LW stays working nights and weekends, it will only get worse.  Especially with a baby they need to take care of in the works also.
  
  To me, this is a series of discussions for what life will look like on some different schedules.  Then make some group decisions from there.

  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  February 2022

  short+sassy said:

  @charlotte989875 and @mrsconn23, I think you all are misreading one of the sentences in the letter.  The H wants BOTH of them to find new jobs before they do the transfer.
  
  .

  Right, but why is the only option for LW to change jobs along with him?  I understand why he wants to do it and I understand his concerns about LW's schedule, but it sounds like LW does like their job/career and is fulfilled by it.  Why can't the conversation be about him finding a new job with a schedule that will work while having a kid and LW keeps their job, but maybe sees if there are options to restructure their schedule?  Also, if LW is promoted...how would that change their dynamics schedule-wise and financially? LW's H may be able to find a more fulfilling job and something that allows them to have a more ideal schedule for parenthood.   

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• banana468 member

  

  February 2022

  short+sassy said:

  @charlotte989875 and @mrsconn23, I think you all are misreading one of the sentences in the letter.  The H wants BOTH of them to find new jobs before they do the transfer.
  
  I assume it is already a given that the H is looking for another job and will hopefully have another one soon.  So I don't necessarily see him as totally the bad guy.  But the LW likes her job and is unsure if she wants to leave it.  Which is also fair.
  
  I'm also curious if she could negotiate different hours with her promotion.  Because I do see both sides.  They already don't see each other much and currently work a similar schedule.  But if the H goes to a day job that is weekdays only, while the LW stays working nights and weekends, it will only get worse.  Especially with a baby they need to take care of in the works also.
  
  To me, this is a series of discussions for what life will look like on some different schedules.  Then make some group decisions from there.

  That's how I read it too.  And the H is too controlling if he's asserting this but the LW is also not offering feedback on what is the long term plan here.  

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  February 2022

  Oh I read it but it sounds like he’s pressuring her to resign a career at a point where future earning and development opportunities are about to happen. Taking parental leave takes a huge toll on a woman’s career (that doesn’t happen for men) and he wants to make that harder for her. 

  
  

  It honestly sounds like he wants them both to work traditional schedules, rather than potentially being primary caregiver when she’s at work on the weekends. 

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  February 2022

  charlotte989875 said:

  Oh I read it but it sounds like he’s pressuring her to resign a career at a point where future earning and development opportunities are about to happen. Taking parental leave takes a huge toll on a woman’s career (that doesn’t happen for men) and he wants to make that harder for her. 

  
  

  It honestly sounds like he wants them both to work traditional schedules, rather than potentially being primary caregiver when she’s at work on the weekends. 

  Yep, that part. 

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• banana468 member

  

  February 2022

  charlotte989875 said:

  Oh I read it but it sounds like he’s pressuring her to resign a career at a point where future earning and development opportunities are about to happen. Taking parental leave takes a huge toll on a woman’s career (that doesn’t happen for men) and he wants to make that harder for her. 

  
  

  It honestly sounds like he wants them both to work traditional schedules, rather than potentially being primary caregiver when she’s at work on the weekends. 

  I agree that he's not really proposing a solution.
  
  My issue is that the LW doesn't present one either and the reality is that you need to think that through if you can before you get pregnant.  Are tons of pregnancies unplanned and do parents figure it out?  Sure.  But is it a major asset if there's some kind of a plan in place?  Yup.
  
  What I'm reading is that they aren't good communicators with each other.

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• short+sassy member

  

  February 2022

  banana468 said:

  charlotte989875 said:

  Oh I read it but it sounds like he’s pressuring her to resign a career at a point where future earning and development opportunities are about to happen. Taking parental leave takes a huge toll on a woman’s career (that doesn’t happen for men) and he wants to make that harder for her. 

  
  

  It honestly sounds like he wants them both to work traditional schedules, rather than potentially being primary caregiver when she’s at work on the weekends. 

  I agree that he's not really proposing a solution.
  
  My issue is that the LW doesn't present one either and the reality is that you need to think that through if you can before you get pregnant.  Are tons of pregnancies unplanned and do parents figure it out?  Sure.  But is it a major asset if there's some kind of a plan in place?  Yup.
  
  What I'm reading is that they aren't good communicators with each other.

  I'm seeing fault on both sides.  They both seem stuck in their camps and aren't talking about compromises.  To an extent, I don't think either one of them are being reasonable.
  
  There's a lot they can talk about, including how different scenarios might play out.  Like her continuing to work in her job, especially to get her promotion, and then use the next year to think about what she wants to do next.  It's a little hard because we don't know WHAT she does.  But for most things, I feel like there is a similar career that someone could strive for.
  
  Or, if she decides after a year she doesn't want to leave her job...which is what the H is worried about..., what would that "life" with a baby look like.  How would that schedule work.

  

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