Nonbinary, pregnant, and trying to work it all out.

mrsconn23 · February 2022

Dear Prudence,

I’m a queer, nonbinary parent who most people perceive as a woman. I have a 7-year-old stepdaughter who lives with me and her father, and I am pregnant with her sibling. I am out to my partner and our daughter, and we use they/them pronouns for me among ourselves. Our daughter calls me by my first name and refers to me as her parent. However, I’m not out to much of the wider world or our families, even though we have a great relationship.
Our kiddo understands that some people don’t know everything about me, and may think I’m a “she” or a woman, and that I’m ok with them thinking that, even though WE know I’m NOT a man or a woman. I’m not really sure why I don’t feel like coming out more, other than it’s never felt that vital to me that someone I’m not super intimate with know something as intimate (to me) as my gender. (Although my sexuality is also queer, and I’ve been very loud ‘n’ proud about that pretty much my whole life.)

Now that I’m visibly pregnant, besides the interesting body dysmorphia that sometimes comes up, people have been calling me “Mom.” My daughter even said to me, “You’re MY parent, but you’ll be the baby’s Mama.” But I don’t know if that’s true! I don’t feel like “Mama” anymore than I feel like a “she.” My question is … what the hell do we call me? And if that’s what the baby grows up calling me, does that mean I have to come out to everyone as an explanation of why this kid’s not calling me Mama? Am I setting a shit example for my kids by not wanting to be out more? I’m a little burned out from fielding lots of nonconsensual belly touching and questions about my body or genitals or about why we aren’t finding out or announcing the baby’s genitals. I want to be authentically myself to my partner and children, and to have them know who I really am. I just don’t know if I’m up for suddenly having everyone else we know have that information, too.

— Gestating While Genderqueer

STARMOON44 · February 2022

I don’t think there is a right answer here! Your child can call you whatever name works for you, but there’s no way to stop people asking questions. And you can respond to those questions with “oh this is the name I like!”

short+sassy · February 2022

I know I'm just scratching the surface of all of the LW's feelings. But, for words, they can always refer to themselves as "parent" for the relationship to the baby. They can have their baby call them by their first name, just like their stepdaughter does.

Although not as common, there were a couple people I went to school with who called their parents by their first name. And that was 40 years ago. If I'd been closer friends with one of those people, I probably would have asked them why. But I wasn't, so I didn't. My H and I used to have a friend (similar age to me) who calls his mom by her first name. All her kids do. I asked him why and he said something like he didn't know. They just always had.

So I actually don't think that is as big of a deal as the LW is making it out to be. If someone asks why, they can just say they prefer their children refer to them by their first name. They don't have to get into that they are nonbinary, if they don't want to.

They are feeling burnt out and that's okay! Pregnancy will do that to people. Especially since some other people in our society lose all sense of boundaries, when speaking to a pregnant person and even touching them. Creepy.

It's the LW's choice if they want to be out more and it will be choices they make throughout their lifetime. That is their own journey and they are certainly not a "shit example" if it is not something they disclose to many people.

MissKittyDanger · February 2022

I follow someone on tiktok and they're non binary and have 3 kids - they said "mom" feels best but it's not for everyone.

I agree with @STARMOON44 that finding the right name will come. Maybe LW will end up liking "mama" when baby says it? Maybe it'll be something different. I feel every parent has a name they prefer in general

VarunaTT · February 2022

You can find names on the interwebz or you can make up your own. It really doesn't matter. If LW came up with something they're comfortable with, I don't see why stepdaughter can't use it as well (unless stepdaughter doesn't want to and that's another thing to be navigated).

This is why I stress in any advocacy work to separate genitals from gender. Woman can have a penius, men can have a uterus/vagina, NB/Intersex have genitals and unless you're in a position to interact with those genitals, it's really not your business what they have. Our gender is no longer defined by what's between our legs.

A queer-friendly therapist might be really good here, b/c I'm sure the body dysmorophia is difficut enought to navigate without society's issues around "motherhood". B/c LW DOES care about the public perception, and also doesn't want to have to come out. Which is totally fine, but a professional can give them tools to navigate the cognitive dissonance that is arising.

Nonbinary, pregnant, and trying to work it all out.

Re: Nonbinary, pregnant, and trying to work it all out.

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