Dear Prudence,
I’m having a serious problem with my older sister, “Ella,” who is my only family. Our parents died when we were young, and we ended up moving through a lot of homes over a very unstable childhood. Ella often looked after me like a mother, even though there are just two years between us. For a long time, I would have said she was my best friend, but that changed radically when she met her now husband, when she was 19. He is a regressive bigot who opposes all my core values, and I am sorry to say that Ella has pretty much taken on his views as her own over the last several years. We are now both in our late twenties and only see each other at holidays and when I invite just Ella on occasional shopping trips, as I can’t stand being around her husband, and he refers to me as a “bad influence” on his wife.
The issue that has arisen between us recently is that I am the maid of honor for my best friend, “Anne,” at her wedding this year. Anne is marrying another woman, who is also one of my close friends. I obviously have never spoken much about Anne with my sister and her husband, as I try to stick to subjects that they won’t be able to use as starting points for their bigoted rants. (I once mentioned a friend with a foreign-sounding name and got treated to an hour-long lecture on “scum” who are “overrunning the country,” for instance.) Another member of the wedding party recently posted some photos on social media of us at a dress fitting, where she mentioned the two future brides, and Ella saw. She also commented. Her comments were horrendous, all directed at me and saying how ashamed our parents would be if they knew I had grown up to be friends with “degenerates and perverts.” Ella told me, there in the comments, that our relationship as sisters would “have to end” if I didn’t pull out of this wedding. She was blocked by the friend who had posted the pics, but everyone including Anne saw the comments first.
Anne called to ask if I was OK. She caught me in tears, and was incredibly kind. She told me that if I wanted to pull out of the wedding party to preserve my relationship with my sister, she would be very sad but would understand and did not expect me to choose between her and my sister. I told her that I didn’t want to do that at all—I’m not ashamed of celebrating my best friend’s relationship and was honored she wanted me involved. Anne seemed really happy about this but reiterated that I just needed to tell her before a deposit deadline if I changed my mind. She understands difficult family relationships very well, as she is now estranged from her own and understands some of my pain with my sister and feeling I’ve lost her to bigotry.
My problem is that I’m not sure what to do. Part of me really wants to pull out the wedding to appease my sister and preserve the fragile relationship we have—she has texted me since to say she will miss me terribly if she “has to” cut me off over this, and that she is waiting for me to reach out to “fix things” with her. In spite of what I said to Anne, I am torn—there is a small desire in me to just agree to pull out and keep the relationship with Ella, even if I’d feel ashamed about it, especially now I know that Anne would be kind about it and I wouldn’t lose her friendship. Can you advise me on what to do? I know what the objectively right thing to do is, but I’m struggling with the temptation not to do it to preserve my relationship with my sister.
— My Sister or My Values