Monday Prudie

Re: Monday Prudie

• charlotte989875 member

  

  March 2022

  I honestly don’t know what I’d do in this situation. H and I aren’t religious & while my family is (not the the extent of the LW) it bugs him when people assume he shares their beliefs. 
  

  
  

  We go with he can say and respond however he wants to as long as he’s not rude about it. 

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• banana468 member

  

  March 2022

  charlotte989875 said:

  I honestly don’t know what I’d do in this situation. H and I aren’t religious & while my family is (not the the extent of the LW) it bugs him when people assume he shares their beliefs. 
  

  
  

  We go with he can say and respond however he wants to as long as he’s not rude about it. 

  I think you need to tread lightly in that.  
  
  If this is not completely empty - like a politician offering thoughts and prayers after the millionth school shooting - then the statement of "I'm keeping you in my prayers" is the person's way of saying that they are thinking of that person's issue and making it a part of their daily activities in such a way that they are now incorporating the current issue into their prayers.   
  
  If they aren't actively pushing the faith on the LW and telling them that they look forward to seeing them at their Friday fish fry or in a prayer circle then I think the LW needs to let this go.  Should the LW want to ever inform these people of their beliefs it surely isn't after they announced their intentions to pray. 

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• short+sassy member

  

  March 2022

  I am Christian, but was also raised that religion is private.  So I don't like it either when people are "Jesus this" and "Jesus that", in conversations where it just doesn't have a place.  
  
  My other pet peeve?  People that post the little "praying hands" emoticon where it's also, just weird.
  
  I get it a lot on Facebook Marketplace when I have a rental ad up.  In that sense, I think it bugs me because...whether I rent to a person or not...has almost 100% to do with their current and prior actions.  Not whether they "pray" or "love Jesus".  I don't hold it against anybody, but it's a slight concern that this might be a person who doesn't take personal responsibility because they have a "it's in God's hands" attitude.
  
  There are very few things in life that are purely "good luck" or "bad luck", which is what that reminds me of.  "Good luck" is when preparation meets opportunity.
  
  But I'll get off my soapbox now, lol.
  
  This is something I'd (mostly) ignore, especially if their SO doesn't want to say something.  This is the way the LW's in-laws practice their faith.  They can pray to Jesus all they want, on behalf of others.  Though I realize the annoying part is they are always talking about it. 
  
  Not gonna lie.  I might say something back, on occasion.  For example, laugh and respond with, "Everybody wants the right house and I know you practice that he loves all his children.  So I'm sure God doesn't involve himself in real estate transactions."

  

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  March 2022

  banana468 said:

  charlotte989875 said:

  I honestly don’t know what I’d do in this situation. H and I aren’t religious & while my family is (not the the extent of the LW) it bugs him when people assume he shares their beliefs. 
  

  
  

  We go with he can say and respond however he wants to as long as he’s not rude about it. 

  I think you need to tread lightly in that.  
  
  If this is not completely empty - like a politician offering thoughts and prayers after the millionth school shooting - then the statement of "I'm keeping you in my prayers" is the person's way of saying that they are thinking of that person's issue and making it a part of their daily activities in such a way that they are now incorporating the current issue into their prayers.   
  
  If they aren't actively pushing the faith on the LW and telling them that they look forward to seeing them at their Friday fish fry or in a prayer circle then I think the LW needs to let this go.  Should the LW want to ever inform these people of their beliefs it surely isn't after they announced their intentions to pray. 

  I get that (and it doesn’t bother me) but that still makes it about them (their beliefs, their practice) and not him (what would actually make a difference to him). Couldn’t they do it (keeping someone in their prayers) without telling him that?

  
  

  For us it tends to be more about assuming we go to church, talk/ask him about why we didn’t go to a service, etc.; the assumption that we should be doing those things and there is something wrong with us if we’re not. He’s really tolerant until someone is rude or insulting about people that don’t share their beliefs- and in the case I don’t feel he needs to be careful at all. 

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• banana468 member

  

  March 2022

  I think what this gets into is a frequent situation where we try to figure out what we can do when there's nothing to do.  For many people of faith the statement that they're saying a prayer is saying that having that prayer is about all it is that they can do. 
  
  When it gets into the actual behavior and practices of the other person (in this case the LW) that's where it crosses a line IMO.  And if the LW separately says, "I appreciate that you do this but it does make me uncomfortable and that isn't my faith," then hopefully the other person can respect that too.  
  
  If a friend told me that something was going on with them and I said, "I'll keep you guys in my prayers that this is resolved soon," and my comment was met with, "Keep your prayers Banana they don't work," I'd find it rude.  That said, I do not just say that with my friends who are atheistic or agnostic because I do not want to create conflict.

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  March 2022

  banana468 said:

  I think what this gets into is a frequent situation where we try to figure out what we can do when there's nothing to do.  For many people of faith the statement that they're saying a prayer is saying that having that prayer is about all it is that they can do. 
  
  When it gets into the actual behavior and practices of the other person (in this case the LW) that's where it crosses a line IMO.  And if the LW separately says, "I appreciate that you do this but it does make me uncomfortable and that isn't my faith," then hopefully the other person can respect that too.  
  
  If a friend told me that something was going on with them and I said, "I'll keep you guys in my prayers that this is resolved soon," and my comment was met with, "Keep your prayers Banana they don't work," I'd find it rude.  That said, I do not just say that with my friends who are atheistic or agnostic because I do not want to create conflict.

  I never really thought about this much until H brought it up. I get that saying someone is praying, is about all that person can do and that the intention is well meaning. But for someone who doesn’t believe in that the impact can be harmful. So while someone is going through something tough, the consideration is not for what makes them feel better but around what the person saying wants. I’m not saying it’s wrong to offer prayers for someone but if they don’t believe isn’t it more about what the person praying wants to say/do than the person receiving it? 

  
  

  I would say if someone said “keep your prayers” that is pretty rude, but I don’t think it’s out of line to say “I appreciate your intent but I don’t believe in god, so it’s not necessary to tell me that”. 

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• short+sassy member

  

  March 2022

  charlotte989875 said:

  banana468 said:

  I think what this gets into is a frequent situation where we try to figure out what we can do when there's nothing to do.  For many people of faith the statement that they're saying a prayer is saying that having that prayer is about all it is that they can do. 
  
  When it gets into the actual behavior and practices of the other person (in this case the LW) that's where it crosses a line IMO.  And if the LW separately says, "I appreciate that you do this but it does make me uncomfortable and that isn't my faith," then hopefully the other person can respect that too.  
  
  If a friend told me that something was going on with them and I said, "I'll keep you guys in my prayers that this is resolved soon," and my comment was met with, "Keep your prayers Banana they don't work," I'd find it rude.  That said, I do not just say that with my friends who are atheistic or agnostic because I do not want to create conflict.

  I never really thought about this much until H brought it up. I get that saying someone is praying, is about all that person can do and that the intention is well meaning. But for someone who doesn’t believe in that the impact can be harmful. So while someone is going through something tough, the consideration is not for what makes them feel better but around what the person saying wants. I’m not saying it’s wrong to offer prayers for someone but if they don’t believe isn’t it more about what the person praying wants to say/do than the person receiving it? 

  
  

  I would say if someone said “keep your prayers” that is pretty rude, but I don’t think it’s out of line to say “I appreciate your intent but I don’t believe in god, so it’s not necessary to tell me that”. 

  I think this is is some of the problem on the part of the LW and their SO.  They have never told the IL's their religious belief.  So, if they keep choosing not to do that, then they also have to understand the ILs have no way to know how grating it is.
  
  I'm sure the ILs know their child and their partner isn't as religious as they are.  But probably assume they are a "C and E'er" or still have the same beliefs and choose not to go to church.

  

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• banana468 member

  

  March 2022

  charlotte989875 said:

  banana468 said:

  I think what this gets into is a frequent situation where we try to figure out what we can do when there's nothing to do.  For many people of faith the statement that they're saying a prayer is saying that having that prayer is about all it is that they can do. 
  
  When it gets into the actual behavior and practices of the other person (in this case the LW) that's where it crosses a line IMO.  And if the LW separately says, "I appreciate that you do this but it does make me uncomfortable and that isn't my faith," then hopefully the other person can respect that too.  
  
  If a friend told me that something was going on with them and I said, "I'll keep you guys in my prayers that this is resolved soon," and my comment was met with, "Keep your prayers Banana they don't work," I'd find it rude.  That said, I do not just say that with my friends who are atheistic or agnostic because I do not want to create conflict.

  I never really thought about this much until H brought it up. I get that saying someone is praying, is about all that person can do and that the intention is well meaning. But for someone who doesn’t believe in that the impact can be harmful. So while someone is going through something tough, the consideration is not for what makes them feel better but around what the person saying wants. I’m not saying it’s wrong to offer prayers for someone but if they don’t believe isn’t it more about what the person praying wants to say/do than the person receiving it? 

  
  

  I would say if someone said “keep your prayers” that is pretty rude, but I don’t think it’s out of line to say “I appreciate your intent but I don’t believe in god, so it’s not necessary to tell me that”. 

  I think that's one of those times that it's a case by case basis.  And maybe it's also a thought of how to engage with a peer vs. a grown adult.
  
  For example - this makes me think that unless I truly know the faith of someone me saying this without a request could be offensive.  I'll work to not do this unless a person says, "I could use all the prayers I can get." 
  
  That said, as I age into my 40s I'm realizing that it's pointless to have the same argument over and over with those a generation older than me when I know that person is holding hard in their beliefs/actions.  This is the case for my parents and my ILs and a wide variety of topics with a rang of opinions from super faith to no faith to super conservative to very liberal.  And with all of them, I am working more and more towards not engaging when I think that the person's mind is made up.  I don't have to like it, but I have to pick the battles that are worth picking because none of them are likely to change.
  
  And in the case of the LW because they are the parents of the partner it's important IMO to lay out the beliefs before responding with what they think of the prayers so it's a conversation that doesn't catch people off guard.  Should it come up again then that's when you can say something addressing the issue again.  These aren't acquaintances so I think a lot of this lies in how to have the conversation.

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• flantastic member

  

  March 2022

  charlotte989875 said:

  banana468 said:

  I think what this gets into is a frequent situation where we try to figure out what we can do when there's nothing to do.  For many people of faith the statement that they're saying a prayer is saying that having that prayer is about all it is that they can do. 
  
  When it gets into the actual behavior and practices of the other person (in this case the LW) that's where it crosses a line IMO.  And if the LW separately says, "I appreciate that you do this but it does make me uncomfortable and that isn't my faith," then hopefully the other person can respect that too.  
  
  If a friend told me that something was going on with them and I said, "I'll keep you guys in my prayers that this is resolved soon," and my comment was met with, "Keep your prayers Banana they don't work," I'd find it rude.  That said, I do not just say that with my friends who are atheistic or agnostic because I do not want to create conflict.

  I never really thought about this much until H brought it up. I get that saying someone is praying, is about all that person can do and that the intention is well meaning. But for someone who doesn’t believe in that the impact can be harmful. So while someone is going through something tough, the consideration is not for what makes them feel better but around what the person saying wants. I’m not saying it’s wrong to offer prayers for someone but if they don’t believe isn’t it more about what the person praying wants to say/do than the person receiving it? 

  
  

  I would say if someone said “keep your prayers” that is pretty rude, but I don’t think it’s out of line to say “I appreciate your intent but I don’t believe in god, so it’s not necessary to tell me that”. 

  I don't either. But I think it might work better as part of a larger conversation that is all "Hey, if you guys want to pray for resolutions to my problems, feel free - I know you think that does something. However, since I don't believe in God, I don't actually think that prayers do anything meaningful - so I'd appreciate X or Y as a show of help and support instead of just telling me you're praying, in the future."

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• banana468 member

  

  March 2022

  flantastic said:

  charlotte989875 said:

  banana468 said:

  I think what this gets into is a frequent situation where we try to figure out what we can do when there's nothing to do.  For many people of faith the statement that they're saying a prayer is saying that having that prayer is about all it is that they can do. 
  
  When it gets into the actual behavior and practices of the other person (in this case the LW) that's where it crosses a line IMO.  And if the LW separately says, "I appreciate that you do this but it does make me uncomfortable and that isn't my faith," then hopefully the other person can respect that too.  
  
  If a friend told me that something was going on with them and I said, "I'll keep you guys in my prayers that this is resolved soon," and my comment was met with, "Keep your prayers Banana they don't work," I'd find it rude.  That said, I do not just say that with my friends who are atheistic or agnostic because I do not want to create conflict.

  I never really thought about this much until H brought it up. I get that saying someone is praying, is about all that person can do and that the intention is well meaning. But for someone who doesn’t believe in that the impact can be harmful. So while someone is going through something tough, the consideration is not for what makes them feel better but around what the person saying wants. I’m not saying it’s wrong to offer prayers for someone but if they don’t believe isn’t it more about what the person praying wants to say/do than the person receiving it? 

  
  

  I would say if someone said “keep your prayers” that is pretty rude, but I don’t think it’s out of line to say “I appreciate your intent but I don’t believe in god, so it’s not necessary to tell me that”. 

  I don't either. But I think it might work better as part of a larger conversation that is all "Hey, if you guys want to pray for resolutions to my problems, feel free - I know you think that does something. However, since I don't believe in God, I don't actually think that prayers do anything meaningful - so I'd appreciate X or Y as a show of help and support instead of just telling me you're praying, in the future."

  Exactly.  Just like we talk about how the time to raise an issue isn't when it's triggering you but at a time that it may be more neutral this is one of those situations.  

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  March 2022

  charlotte989875 said:

  banana468 said:

  charlotte989875 said:

  I honestly don’t know what I’d do in this situation. H and I aren’t religious & while my family is (not the the extent of the LW) it bugs him when people assume he shares their beliefs. 
  

  
  

  We go with he can say and respond however he wants to as long as he’s not rude about it. 

  I think you need to tread lightly in that.  
  
  If this is not completely empty - like a politician offering thoughts and prayers after the millionth school shooting - then the statement of "I'm keeping you in my prayers" is the person's way of saying that they are thinking of that person's issue and making it a part of their daily activities in such a way that they are now incorporating the current issue into their prayers.   
  
  If they aren't actively pushing the faith on the LW and telling them that they look forward to seeing them at their Friday fish fry or in a prayer circle then I think the LW needs to let this go.  Should the LW want to ever inform these people of their beliefs it surely isn't after they announced their intentions to pray. 

  I get that (and it doesn’t bother me) but that still makes it about them (their beliefs, their practice) and not him (what would actually make a difference to him). Couldn’t they do it (keeping someone in their prayers) without telling him that?

  
  

  For us it tends to be more about assuming we go to church, talk/ask him about why we didn’t go to a service, etc.; the assumption that we should be doing those things and there is something wrong with us if we’re not. He’s really tolerant until someone is rude or insulting about people that don’t share their beliefs- and in the case I don’t feel he needs to be careful at all. 

  This is where I am. Maybe it's part of where I live, but "I'll pray for you" often comes off like it's more about the speaker than whoever they're trying to comfort. 
  
  Anyway, at the end of the day for this LW, this is a blood talks to blood conversation. Navigating differing religious beliefs with parents can be dicey, even beyond being a teen or young adult. If the partner wants to let the parents believe that he's some amount of religious, LW needs to leave it alone. (Or discuss with partner.)

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• VarunaTT member

  

  March 2022

  I'm openly atheist and, on same days, pretty openly anti-theist as well (please don't #notallchristians me).
  
  I generally don't say anything when someone says it to me.  It's not about me, it's about them and, as humans, we generally have a lot of those sayings that are about making the sayer feel better, not necessarily the person we're saying it to.  
  
  I've had people say it to me in a completely bitchy way and I will respond to that, b/c they're just trying to get an aha! moment on me as an atheist and I'm not the one.

  �

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