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You react by have a discussion (or 12) with them.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have a (hitherto) solid relationship. Heading towards marriage, a house, and kids. They earnestly want those things, soon, and bring them up more than I do. I’ve said I’m onboard.

I recently learned that they are thinking about going back for a Ph.D. That means no geographic stability, their penuriousness for some number of years (or forever), and the household on my shoulders, if it is to exist at all. I’m hurt. My partner has the right to their own ambitions, but this one suggests they are fundamentally unserious about the life we’ve talked about building. How should I be reacting? I know I have to talk to them.

— PhDon’t

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Re: You react by have a discussion (or 12) with them.

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You both are missing a ton of steps but more importantly conversations here. 

    Academia can be great (flexible schedules, autonomy), but also tough (limited jobs, low pay, geographic considerations). A lot of folks I know have said having kids was easier in grad school or post tenure, but parental leave often sucks or doesn’t exist at all. 

    And getting a PhD doesn’t mean you can’t also have a marriage, a house, and kids but it means you both need to have MANY conversations about what will realistically be expected of you. Grad school doesn’t mean you don’t participate in running/ caring for the household. You don’t have to be willing to move anywhere in the country (although it can make getting a tenure track job more difficult). 

    Bottom line: you need to talk about what you both truly want in life and whether those things can happen for both of you if you stay in a relationship. 
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    How should I be reacting? I know I have to talk to them.

    This right here. Prudie can’t tell you how you should be reacting. And at least you know you need to talk!

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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes.  Talk to them.  My peers with PhD or advanced doctorate degrees all have kids.   Some do have to travel based university assignments and others have stayed where they are.  This is a conversation to have just like you would talk to someone in the armed forces about how you are going to navigate when they are reassigned every two years.   Before you complain that all the things you wanted are down the drain, talk to the person you're allegedly so close to that you think you are in for a lifetime.  
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Exactly.  LW’s partner may already have a plan. So use your words. 

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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    You need to talk to them, and it needs to be an ongoing conversation. While graduate school and getting a PhD are certainly not a block to marriage, family, etc., there's going to need to be some planning involved. One discussion will not resolve this. 

    Do not get married, have kids, or buy property together until you each have a better understanding of what the other's goals are and what timelines you each have in mind to meet them.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you can't figure out how to talk about future plans and how future career plans impact that, the relationship is not as solid as you say it is. 

    This is communication 101. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MyNameIsNot said:
    If you can't figure out how to talk about future plans and how future career plans impact that, the relationship is not as solid as you say it is. 

    This is communication 101. 
    Right? Partner brings up going to grad school and instead of talking about it the LW writes to Prudie? 
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