Sounds like you don't fit into the friend group?

Re: Sounds like you don't fit into the friend group?

• banana468 member

  

  March 2022

  mrsconn23 said:

  Dear Prudence,

  Yesterday, my closest friend told me that a friend of ours, “S,” had told her that she didn’t want to hang out with our friend group because she was “having a great day” and didn’t want me to criticize her and ruin it. I have always known S does not like me as much as our other friends, but I make an effort to be nice to her and have defended her in arguments before. I’ve recently been struggling with feeling like I’m overly judgmental and ruining everyone’s fun. I do not know if she knows this. I am so upset, especially since she’s said other nasty things about me that my friends have informed me of.

  My friend has asked me not to say anything, since S will accuse her of being bad at secret-keeping and make sure no one confides in her. However, I’m not sure I want to be friends with this person anymore, and I wouldn’t end the friendship without telling her why. For context, this person has a difficult home life (homophobic parents) and her relationships are not great, so I’m trying to be understanding and sympathetic of her situation. What should I do?

  — Ruining Your Day

  Maybe she doesn't know you're struggling with it but maybe you come across that way and she's tired of it.  
  
  Maybe the best thing to do is take to heart that it's been brought to your attention that you can adjust how you approach conversations and potential criticism others feel. 

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  March 2022 edited March 2022

  LW, you're upset because someone told you the truth.  Now you're defensive and grasping at all the times you think you were a 'good' friend.  
  
  Two things can be true: you've 'defended' S and been 'nice' to them, but also you're a downer and/or harsh or critical, generally unpleasant to be around.  It's an exhausting presence to subject yourself to and I understand why S may want to avoid you. 
  
  Awareness is the first step, but you have to move on to acceptance and also start thinking of ways you can change to be the person that people want to be around.
  
  Dumping your friend that was the messenger is not the way and also, IDK why you feel the need to weaponize their family situation and being 'bad' at relationships.  Also, if you feel it's 'nasty' for S to verbally express that they don't want you to rain on their parade, then I'm sure S's other frustrations have some validity.  

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• short+sassy member

  

  March 2022

  Dear Prudence,
  
  I know I'm judgmental in my friend group and sometimes ruin people's fun.
  
  'S' said this about me to a mutual friend.  But I defend her! (while constantly judging her)  So now I don't want to be friends with her anymore.  Plus her relationships aren't great anyway.
  
  But I need to make a grand declaration to 'S' of why she is not my friend anymore and this simply must include the information that our mutual friend shared with me.  Even though the mutual friend was told that in confidence, so she doesn't want me to.
  
  Dear Ruining Your Day:
  
  It hurts to hear a friend saying something negative about you.  However, you were already worried this is how you come across to your friends.  Use this as an opportunity to grow and improve.
  
  If you need to keep a distance from 'S' for the time being, do that.  But there is no need to say anything blunt to her and blow up the mutual friend group.
  
  I assume you all are graduating from high school will soon be going in your own directions anyway.

  

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