You aren't compatible.

mrsconn23 · March 2022

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been in a long-term relationship with someone who has historically been polyamorous. She gave that up for me, and things have gone mostly well for about four years.

She has generally expressed that she would still prefer poly or another ethical nonmonogamy setup, and recently I have heard it more often. She even tries to encourage me to go hit on or sleep with others—which I do not want to do. I am somewhere close to demisexual, generally lean monogamous, and am not interested in seeing other people.

I don’t want to force her to be monogamous, but I also know that I do not want an open relationship and would struggle with it—especially if it were de facto one-sided. What is your advice on working through this? We still love each other very much, I just worry that disparate needs will cause our relationship to deteriorate, and I hope to get ahead of that.

— Difference of Degree and Kind

banana468 · March 2022

This isn't compatible. Your partner is encouraging this because your partner is not used to monogamy.

Have the frank discussion: Does she see the relationship continuing if it has to be monogamous? If not, then it's time to fish or cut bait.

CharmedPam · March 2022

She gave it up for you, but only temporarily. Unfortunately you two do want different things.

MyNameIsNot · March 2022

Sounds like partner either thought you would eventually be open to polyamory or realized that a permanent monogamous situation is not going to work for her. This is like trying to have half a kid; there's no real middle ground. It's time to move on.

short+sassy · March 2022

MyNameIsNot said:

Sounds like partner either thought you would eventually be open to polyamory or realized that a permanent monogamous situation is not going to work for her. This is like trying to have half a kid; there's no real middle ground. It's time to move on.

Exactly! This is another example of love does not always conquer all.

It's sad and unfortunate but, if she won't be happy in a monogamous relationship and the LW won't be happy in a polyamorous relationship, than the kindest thing for all parties is to break up and find a more compatible partner.

Then there was my ex-b/f from college. He decided he didn't want a monogamous relationship anymore, but didn't want me to date other people. It broke my heart we were breaking up, but at least I got to riotously laugh in his face.

VarunaTT · March 2022

So, this is my recent struggle with polyamory. Obviously, this ended up being a point of contention between K and I, that I was lied to about. But really, I'm absolutely fine with the idea that my partner doesn't have to provide me everything. I have dear friends that are closer to me than K ever was, and at least one of them was closer to me than exH. K has no friends.

I think there needs to be a REAL conversation about how monogamy doesn't mean that you can only have this one important relationship that fulfills you. It isn't a prison. It doesn't mean you can't love other people. And a REAL conversation about how polyamory doesn't automatically mean you're more fulfilled, mature, smarter or more evolved. It just doesn't and I'm exhausted by the attitude that it does. AND I think polyamorous people need to do some soul searching and realize that you don't have to fuck your friends. B/c really, every single poly relationship I see isn't about loving, cuddling, other needs being met, it's about sex. Now, I haven't seen every type in the world and I'll admit that, but I've seen quite a few now in my life and even the ones that work are more like thruples than actual polycules (multiple overlapping couples).

I say that b/c I had this aha! moment about K about a month ago. K was astoundingly jealous of every single one of my friendships. They often bemoaned the fact they didn't have friends like I did and they wanted them. K also told me, "Friendships sometimes develop into something else." Except in K's case, it was every.single.time. They literally couldn't develop a friendship without throwing sex into the equation. So, K was jealous of all of my friendships, b/c they were potential partners of mine b/c they honestly can't see anything else (and the fact that they've hit on 4 of my ride-or-die women friends kind of shores that up to me).

So, LW, I don't have any advice except that the level of trust that you need in your partner might not be possible. And there needs to be a real conversation about the path forward, how you both see it, and the boundaries you each require to feel safe and respected in this relationship. And the moment your partner **disrespects those boundaries, bounce the hell out (or bounce the partner out, like I did to K, even though it hurt like hell).

banana468 · March 2022

@VarunaTT I'm a monogamist and could never be in a poly relationship. I'm not wired that way.

DH and I do have friends that are poly and married but have active relationships with others. After hanging out with them I think they also hang out with other poly people and for them, it's an active relationship so they have their own marriage with a child and then active poly relationships that are also an active part of those relationships. I'm not privy to the details of whether or not there is an overlap but previously it was the H has a GF and the W may have a BF or a GF as well. For them it works because it's built based on honesty and their relationship is now going on over 20 years.

I actually heard them on a podcast (they posted about being on it and shared it when they announced to all friends their relationship status a while ago) and discussed that for them it wasn't just about the sex and they also had to watch for what they called NPE or New Person Energy because that's always going to be more exciting and exhilarating than say - sex with the person you've been married to for a decade and a half.

Whatever the situation is, it needs to be honest and clear with no deluding yourself or any partners and the communication needs to be up front. IMO - this one was doomed from the start.

VarunaTT · March 2022

@banana468 I have heard similar. That was one thing I always discussed with K I know I have baggage around it, b/c K did do the NPE thing. I always did the check-ins with them, not them with me (another red flag I should've noted about myself) and I would try and have honest conversations. They weren't capable of that. I was always reassured that "there's nothing there, it's just a friend" and then about 2 weeks after that, during which time they would make me jealous of this person b/c they spent all their time on the NPE, they would finally admit their feelings. On the 3rd one, and with the shit that went down with that woman, I was done with the lies. I don't think K would consider them lies, but I think if you're going to be poly, you need a hella strong relationship with yourself and your emotions before you start involving multiple romantic ties.

VarunaTT · March 2022

Also, another queer woman friend who was single and I were talking, and in the queer world, there's a real push recently about poly relationships. I don't necessarily mind and I don't honestly know how I would feel about it, b/c my experiences have only been negative ones where someone was being hurt. At points, it does feel like if I'm going to date anyone queer, I'm going to have to accept poly, which is part of why I'm not dating, b/c I'm not willing/ready to go there. I've always been monogamous once in relationships, not as a dating person, but I'm not sure how I'd feel with a poly relationship.

You aren't compatible.

Re: You aren't compatible.

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