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Wedding After Party

blackwood22blackwood22 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My parents told me that they are planning an after party at the hotel they are staying at since our wedding ends at 9 pm. They said it is also for the out of town guests and for people they haven't seen in awhile. My parents are paying for snacks and it is a cash bar. My fiancé and I are introverted so we will not be attending the after party and my parents know this. We will be staying overnight at the venue and are not going to the hotel at all. My parents want me to list the after party as an event on our wedding website. I told them that I don't feel comfortable putting it on our website because my fiance and I are not going and that I'd rather have them spread it by word of mouth or announce it at the end of the reception. They are giving me a hard time about including it on the website. 

They're also paying to extend the wedding by an hour (to end at 9 instead of 8) even though I told them my fiance and I are leaving at 8. They said they would be mad if we didn't stay. We are also having a bigger guest list than we originally wanted, but my parents insisted on certain people being there.

My parents are paying for the wedding, but I feel if we put the after party on our website we will feel expected or pressured to go. 

Do you think I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to include the after party on our website and have it spread by word of mouth instead?
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Re: Wedding After Party

  • banana468banana468 member
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    knottiede8a67b9a3c9a591 said:
    My parents told me that they are planning an after party at the hotel they are staying at since our wedding ends at 9 pm. They said it is also for the out of town guests and for people they haven't seen in awhile. My parents are paying for snacks and it is a cash bar. My fiancé and I are introverted so we will not be attending the after party and my parents know this. We will be staying overnight at the venue and are not going to the hotel at all. My parents want me to list the after party as an event on our wedding website. I told them that I don't feel comfortable putting it on our website because my fiance and I are not going and that I'd rather have them spread it by word of mouth or announce it at the end of the reception. They are giving me a hard time about including it on the website. 

    They're also paying to extend the wedding by an hour (to end at 9 instead of 8) even though I told them my fiance and I are leaving at 8. They said they would be mad if we didn't stay. We are also having a bigger guest list than we originally wanted, but my parents insisted on certain people being there.

    My parents are paying for the wedding, but I feel if we put the after party on our website we will feel expected or pressured to go. 

    Do you think I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to include the after party on our website and have it spread by word of mouth instead?
    I think you have major communication issues with your wedding.

    1) Unless it's super common in your circle for the B&G to leave an hour before the wedding is over how did this happen?  Did you tell them that you're leaving at 8 before or after they said that they're extending the wedding? Why can't you stay the extra hour?   IMO, unless there's a major issue with timing I think you should stay until it's over or at least until there's an orchestrated exit of some type no earlier than 8:30.  Your exit signals the end of the wedding and a big waste of those extra funds.

    2) I think you can list something about the after party but IMO it's rough if they're asking people to show up at the hotel for snacks and at that time they need to start paying for drinks as a hosted event.  But IMO you can mention on your website that "The parents of the bride and groom will be staying at the Hilton Garden Knotside.     They will be providing snacks and guests are welcome to open their own tab at X bar."  It's not my favorite but tells them what's going on.  
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    knottiede8a67b9a3c9a591 said:
    My parents told me that they are planning an after party at the hotel they are staying at since our wedding ends at 9 pm. They said it is also for the out of town guests and for people they haven't seen in awhile. My parents are paying for snacks and it is a cash bar. My fiancé and I are introverted so we will not be attending the after party and my parents know this. We will be staying overnight at the venue and are not going to the hotel at all. My parents want me to list the after party as an event on our wedding website. I told them that I don't feel comfortable putting it on our website because my fiance and I are not going and that I'd rather have them spread it by word of mouth or announce it at the end of the reception. They are giving me a hard time about including it on the website. 

    They're also paying to extend the wedding by an hour (to end at 9 instead of 8) even though I told them my fiance and I are leaving at 8. They said they would be mad if we didn't stay. We are also having a bigger guest list than we originally wanted, but my parents insisted on certain people being there.

    My parents are paying for the wedding, but I feel if we put the after party on our website we will feel expected or pressured to go. 

    Do you think I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to include the after party on our website and have it spread by word of mouth instead?
    No, I don't think you're being unreasonable by not wanting it on the website. It really shouldn't be listed on there, especially if you and your partner are not even attending. I agree with you that they should be informing people by word of mouth. 

    I do think that you should be staying until 9pm though. Your parents are paying for the wedding, and there's a reason the saying exists that "those that pay get the say". If you were paying for the wedding yourselves, you'd have complete control over how early the event ended. But with your parents funding the event, they get to decide what time the event ends. I think it would be very rude if you left an hour early. 
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  • blackwood22blackwood22 member
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    They told me they wanted to extend the wedding and I told them I wasn't comfortable with that, but they extended it anyway. We will probably stay, just frustrated that my parents didn't respect our wishes. We are not doing an exit or anything. It's a very casual wedding with 78 people on the guest list. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    knottiede8a67b9a3c9a591 said:
    They told me they wanted to extend the wedding and I told them I wasn't comfortable with that, but they extended it anyway. We will probably stay, just frustrated that my parents didn't respect our wishes. We are not doing an exit or anything. It's a very casual wedding with 78 people on the guest list. 
    I understand, but again, you give up say when you let them pay for the wedding. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    climbingsingle said:
    knottiede8a67b9a3c9a591 said:
    They told me they wanted to extend the wedding and I told them I wasn't comfortable with that, but they extended it anyway. We will probably stay, just frustrated that my parents didn't respect our wishes. We are not doing an exit or anything. It's a very casual wedding with 78 people on the guest list. 
    I understand, but again, you give up say when you let them pay for the wedding. 
    Agree with all of this.  You accepted your parents money so you should stay the entire time.  With a wedding of 78 people it's more visible if you left an hour early and is a major sign that the party is over. 


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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Totally agree with PP. It sounds like the most reasonable solution would have been to decline their offer to pay and throw the wedding you want. When they're paying the bill, they do get some control, especially over things like timing and guest list.

    For the after-party, I think you're justified not to put it up. Besides what others have said, it sounds like your parents aren't intending to invite everyone. That's totally fine, but then it should only be communicated to people who are invited. 
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  • blackwood22blackwood22 member
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    We would have paid, but we don't have the money to pay for a wedding so that's why we took my parents offer.  They are intending to invite everyone to the after party.  I wanted to originally have 10 people at our wedding, but I also wanted to make my  parents happy so I tried to compromise at 78 guests. I am very grateful that my parents are paying for this wedding, but I have really bad social anxiety and I'm starting to dread my wedding day instead of being excited about it.  
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    knottiede8a67b9a3c9a591 said:
    We would have paid, but we don't have the money to pay for a wedding so that's why we took my parents offer.  They are intending to invite everyone to the after party.  I wanted to originally have 10 people at our wedding, but I also wanted to make my  parents happy so I tried to compromise at 78 guests. I am very grateful that my parents are paying for this wedding, but I have really bad social anxiety and I'm starting to dread my wedding day instead of being excited about it.  
    I get it, I have social anxiety too. But these are your options - decline their offer to pay and host your own wedding, or let them pay, which means they can control the guest list and time. 

    You don't need thousands of dollars to have a wedding. Go to town hall. Invite the people you want. Have a cake and punch reception (not during meal times) with 10 people. It can be done. 
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  • blackwood22blackwood22 member
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    I love the idea of town hall with a cake and punch reception with 10 guests. That's what we originally wanted to do (and pay on our own), but then my parents stopped talking to me after we told them that's what we wanted to do. Hence why I agreed to let them just pay and make them happy. They have already put down deposits and have told people (who are invited) about the wedding so we are just gonna let them pay. We are gonna stay for the extra hour and I don't think I will be putting up the after party on our website. Just have them tell people by word of mouth. 
    Thank you everyone for your advice. <3
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    knottiede8a67b9a3c9a591 said:
    I love the idea of town hall with a cake and punch reception with 10 guests. That's what we originally wanted to do (and pay on our own), but then my parents stopped talking to me after we told them that's what we wanted to do. Hence why I agreed to let them just pay and make them happy. They have already put down deposits and have told people (who are invited) about the wedding so we are just gonna let them pay. We are gonna stay for the extra hour and I don't think I will be putting up the after party on our website. Just have them tell people by word of mouth. 
    Thank you everyone for your advice. <3
    This sounds like the best idea.  Good luck dealing with your parents going forward, that's terrible that they stopped talking to you.  And I hope you do enjoy your wedding day!
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  • bubblylovebubblylove member
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    I think it is fair for you to say, "you wanted to extend the party an hour and we will stay and celebrate with guests but you are on your own for any kind of after party."
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  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
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    I completely agree that the after party is on them. And the invitations should only include the things that are being covered. Since the after party is a cash bar, it should definitely not be put on the invitation!
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited March 2022
    I agree that the after-party should not be on the invitation because you are not hosting it. But I would compromise and attend the extra hour.

    Beyond that, I would stand firm and say, "We'll attend for the extra hour, but we will not be available beyond that. We are not listing the after-party or any other post-wedding events on our website. This is our final decision and it is not open to further discussion or change."
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    FWIW and maybe this is regional for me, but the wedding after-parties I've been to were all done "word of mouth" during the reception.  Sometimes the wedding couple was there also, sometimes they weren't.  It never seemed unusual to me if they weren't there.
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