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Wedding Woes

Mental health issues =/= no effort in relationship or home maintenance

Dear Prudence,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years. We are in our mid-20s and recently moved in together in a city that is new to both of us. I am a graduate student; he works part time. The particular job he has isn’t working out for him due to some health issues/advice from his doctor that he should not work this type of job. He is both trying to work something out with his current workplace and is looking for a new job altogether. It is important to add that he has mental health issues for which he is currently being treated. I also have mental health issues which I am being treated for as well, mainly with therapy.

The problem I am having is that I need his help more around our place and want more effort in our relationship. I am the one that cleans our apartment, I do all of the cooking, I make sure it looks nice for us and for when guests come over, I make service requests to maintenance about things that need to be fixed, etc. I am so anxious even just typing this and thinking about it. I feel guilty about being resentful over this and demanding that he do more because of his mental health issues, which (I believe) are more severe than mine. What should I do?

— Don’t Want to Be a Nag

Re: Mental health issues =/= no effort in relationship or home maintenance

  • Break up with him
  • There's a helluva line between support and enable when it comes to situations like this.  I've lived it. 

    LW doesn't say if they've spoken to their partner and how partner reacted, so it's a bit hard to offer advice.  If they haven't, they need to.  Maybe even get their therapist's advice on how.  There's no reason why one person should bear all the burdens of everyday life, even in rough times.  Partner needs to step up for some of it, especially since LW is experience anxiety, guilt, and resentment.  any other advice is really contingent on what happens after that conversation/time to correct.
  • Have you talked to him about the division of labor? 

    Did the lack of help start when his issues spiked or was it always this way?  You're going to need to express what help you need to him and then based on his response, you will need to figure out if it's time to get your own place. 
  • So this dude works part time and then, what? Watches the grass grow? 

    Mental health issues are real and deserve support, but they're not an excuse to be a useless partner. Dump him, LW. It's been 10 years and you're probably feeling a lot of sunk cost, but you don't have to stay with someone just because you've been with them since puberty. 
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