Your workplace sounds toxic as hell.

mrsconn23 · March 2022

Dear Prudence,

My office has a “birthday fairy” who makes sure everyone has a birthday card. I have a cordial relationship with my colleagues, but they tried to professionally sabotage me (our HR office and my supervisor all fully agree their behavior was egregious). I asked the birthday fairy not to circulate a card for me—I don’t want people who don’t like me to sign a card wishing me well—but she won’t stop. For the last two years, I’ve thrown my card away, unopened, so I have no idea who signs them and who doesn’t. I also don’t want to sign cards for the people who tried really hard to get me fired.

This year, the situation has only gotten weirder, as one of my colleagues’ kids was caught on video at their school hitting my child and a bullying scandal unfolded with my child as one of many victims. I really don’t want to sign this person’s birthday card. (I have never mentioned bullying to anyone at work.) As an added complication, the birthday fairy keeps a checklist of who does and doesn’t sign each card, and if I check the box but don’t sign the card, I’m indicating awareness of the card so then it looks like a snub and deceit. Finally, the birthday fairy is a sweet person whose feelings get easily hurt and who is very vocal about hurt feelings. I don’t want to talk about or defend my choice. But I. Don’t. Want. To. Sign. Their. Cards. Do I have to sign cards for these people (3 out of a whole department) or may I just skip it?

— When You Care Enough

VarunaTT · March 2022

My office does this nonsense too (even with the list). I just sign my name, no little note, for everyone, no matter my personal feels, b/c I think it's really unprofessional. If I really dislike the person, I'll just sign my initials (not necessarily totally shady since we use initials for lots of inner office things). It's just the compromise I had to make with myself to keep my professionalism level where I wanted with the behavior I consider terrible.

banana468 · March 2022

You could just sign the card to let it go.

But if this is a toxic workplace with harassment that now extends to your kids can you GTFO and document it? The job market is pretty good right now so can you look to move somewhere else rather than be stuck there?

mrsconn23 · March 2022

Prudie's advice was to sign the card, name only, and start job searching.

LW you 'won' your HR case/issue, but now it sounds like you're sticking around out of spite. Drinking the poison and hoping someone else dies never works out.

ei34 · March 2022

I'd be searching elsewhere too.

I'm picturing an "It is your birthday." banner with barely-blown-up brown and gray balloons like Dwight and Jim did for Kelly on The Office. Is everyone at LW's 8 years old that there has to be a big group celebration?! It sounds so forced. A small group of coworkers and I do acknowledge each other's birthdays but by no means is it the entire faculty.

short+sassy · March 2022

VarunaTT said:

My office does this nonsense too (even with the list). I just sign my name, no little note, for everyone, no matter my personal feels, b/c I think it's really unprofessional. If I really dislike the person, I'll just sign my initials (not necessarily totally shady since we use initials for lots of inner office things). It's just the compromise I had to make with myself to keep my professionalism level where I wanted with the behavior I consider terrible.

Wow! I thought that was bizarre reading it in the letter. Why keep track, yeesh.

There are over 100 people, just on my floor alone. We don't do birthday cards, lol.

An occasional retirement card is about the only thing that gets passed around. It often just has signatures or, at most, someone writes a few words.

I wonder if the LW would feel better about just initials, like you mentioned. They could think of it as "malicious compliance". Like, "I dislike you so much, I'm not even writing my full name."

However, a big problem is that they are working there at all. They throw away their own birthday card, unopened, because they don't even want to see those three people signing their card. That's pretty extreme.

banana468 · March 2022

short+sassy said:

VarunaTT said:

My office does this nonsense too (even with the list). I just sign my name, no little note, for everyone, no matter my personal feels, b/c I think it's really unprofessional. If I really dislike the person, I'll just sign my initials (not necessarily totally shady since we use initials for lots of inner office things). It's just the compromise I had to make with myself to keep my professionalism level where I wanted with the behavior I consider terrible.

Wow! I thought that was bizarre reading it in the letter. Why keep track, yeesh.

There are over 100 people, just on my floor alone. We don't do birthday cards, lol.

An occasional retirement card is about the only thing that gets passed around. It often just has signatures or, at most, someone writes a few words.

I wonder if the LW would feel better about just initials, like you mentioned. They could think of it as "malicious compliance". Like, "I dislike you so much, I'm not even writing my full name."

However, a big problem is that they are working there at all. They throw away their own birthday card, unopened, because they don't even want to see those three people signing their card. That's pretty extreme.

I used to work for a small company and you could hit all employees for one shift with one card. Because it was small a lot of people were living near each other so it could be more than likely that people with kids the same age had kids in the same school.

SO glad I'm remote.

CharmedPam · March 2022

ei34 said:

I'd be searching elsewhere too.

I'm picturing an "It is your birthday." banner with barely-blown-up brown and gray balloons like Dwight and Jim did for Kelly on The Office. Is everyone at LW's 8 years old that there has to be a big group celebration?! It sounds so forced. A small group of coworkers and I do acknowledge each other's birthdays but by no means is it the entire faculty.

I love that banner!

that office at least had cake those days. And streamers. That was the most competent party planning committee out there.

MyNameIsNot · March 2022

If a birthday card is this fraught, working together daily must be hell.

It's really time to look for another job.

short+sassy · March 2022

CharmedPam said:

ei34 said:

I'd be searching elsewhere too.

I'm picturing an "It is your birthday." banner with barely-blown-up brown and gray balloons like Dwight and Jim did for Kelly on The Office. Is everyone at LW's 8 years old that there has to be a big group celebration?! It sounds so forced. A small group of coworkers and I do acknowledge each other's birthdays but by no means is it the entire faculty.

I love that banner!

that office at least had cake those days. And streamers. That was the most competent party planning committee out there.

I used to have a coworker that loved to cook. He even catered weddings on the weekend for a side gig.

He brought in a cake every month to celebrate all that month's birthdays. In addition, for the people he worked with more directly, he would bring a birthday cake on their birthday also. And would ask ahead of time what they wanted.

He also occasionally put sweet or savory treats in the break room because he was "trying a new recipe".

It was a sad, sad day for the whole office when they laid him off.

CharmedPam · March 2022

short+sassy said:
I used to have a coworker that loved to cook. He even catered weddings on the weekend for a side gig.

He brought in a cake every month to celebrate all that month's birthdays. In addition, for the people he worked with more directly, he would bring a birthday cake on their birthday also. And would ask ahead of time what they wanted.

He also occasionally put sweet or savory treats in the break room because he was "trying a new recipe".

It was a sad, sad day for the whole office when they laid him off.

This is tempation I don’t need!!!!

downtondiva · March 2022

You need to look for another job. This is a bizarre and unhealthy workplace and you are, understandably, not reacting to it well. If office birthday cards are causing you this much distress, you gotta get out as soon as possible.

Your workplace sounds toxic as hell.

Re: Your workplace sounds toxic as hell.

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