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That's a lot of weight to carry around, LW.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I feel like my parents have faced nothing but disappointment in life. Both of them have had to work their tails off, and even in their 70s, won’t be able to retire any time soon. Meanwhile, both have siblings that are very, very well off (one from working a very successful job, one from marrying a man who was very successful), who have traveled the world, and live extremely comfortably. All of my cousins on both sides are also successful, and have children of their own, so my aunts/uncles have plenty of grandchildren. Meanwhile, neither my brother nor I are married/have children (I know my parents would love to have grandchildren), and likely won’t. My brother has been handful, even now, well into his adult life, and a constant source of stress for my parents. I am moderately successful—I have a career that I am proud of, and I know they are too, but I don’t make nearly enough money to be able to help them in a way that I would like. My parents gave up so much so that my brother and I could live comfortably, and have opportunities they couldn’t take, and I can’t do anything to make that up to them … and I’m just overwhelmed with guilt about it.  I guess I’m not really sure what my question is, other than, what can I do about it?

— Disappointing Daughter

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Re: That's a lot of weight to carry around, LW.

  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    banana468 said:
    LW, you can help them emotionally.  And while you can't help them financially you can talk to an elder care attorney to talk to them about the best way to approach their senior years financially. If financial and medical POA aren't set up, get the ball rolling.  Talk about ways to arrange finances should they need nursing home/24 hour care.  

    I'm a BIG proponent that children are absolutely and should not be financially responsible for their parents as they age BUT they can provide emotional support and be present about what is needed.  The commitment is going to be more of their time than from their wallet.
    Well said. Also, LW, try to understand that you cannot live your life for your parents. Sure, they may have loved to have grandchildren, but that doesn't mean having kids was right for you, married or not. And yeah, I'm sure it would have been satisfying to have enough money that you could take care of them financially, but you might have been miserable in a career that would have allowed you to do that. 

    Guilt is a tough thing to free yourself of, but I hope you'll try.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    Agreed with all of the above. It always makes me sad when someone feels they 'owe' their parents for raising them.  And LW feels it double since their sibling has been on a difficult path.  

    LW, you parents have chosen their choices.  They possibly could have made different decisions to not be in this position in their 70's.  You don't know because you weren't a part of those processes. 

    Also if they continue to assist your brother, that is on them. They have to decide on their boundaries. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2022
    I feel like there are a lot of financial assistance programs out there for elderly people.  The LW can help by looking into them and seeing what can be arranged for them to retire.

    Just off the top of my head:
    • Own their own house?  Some places have a "stay" on property taxes for the elderly.
    • Don't own their own house?  Depending on after-retirement income, they'd be fast-tracked for a Section 8 voucher because of their age.
    • Utility companies usually have discounts for the elderly
    • Depending on after-retirement income, they could get SNAP benefits and get most/all their groceries covered.
    • Vehicles?  If they currently have two, could they get away with one or none if they were retired?  Cash from the vehicle(s) sale and lower/no auto insurance.  No/lower gas expense.

    I'm also pondering why there is so much mention of the "rich" aunts/uncles/cousins.  Is the LW jealous?  The LW's parents and the LW is projecting?  Is that some animosity I'm detecting because they think the parents' siblings should offer to help?

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