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My dad is now the dad he never was, and still isn't, to me.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I’m 28 years old, and I am mad because my Dad didn’t get me what I wanted for my birthday. It’s slightly more complicated than that, I guess, but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.

When I was a child, everyone thought my brothers and I were children of divorce because they never saw our dad at events or meetings or just out with us. In fact, my parents were still married, but my Dad was at work. He worked overtime, he stayed late, and he came in on his days off … because that’s what he believed a man did. It sucked that he didn’t spend that time with us, but we knew that our Dad was never going to change. So we accepted it.

Then a few years ago … he changed. He and Mom adopted my two cousins (5 and 8) after they were orphaned and now, in his fifties, my Dad is Mr. Family First. He never misses a play or a sporting event, he makes time for them, and he freely spends his money on them. I don’t resent the kids—I know they’d give it up to have their parents back—but I am mad at my Dad. Somehow, it was easier to take when I assumed that the workaholic was just who he was, and now I know he could have been someone else. Plus, my brothers and I are still on the back burner … just instead of it being his job (which we could, at least, resent) it is two grieving kids. Engagement party? Oops, promised to take the kids to a friend’s party that night. My wedding? Turned up, but had to leave early because they wanted to take the kids to a local attraction.

I know I am old enough and ugly enough that I should be able to shrug this off—and not resent two orphaned family members like some Lemony Snicket villain—but I can’t. I feel angry that Dad apparently does want to be a present father, just not to us. I am mad that now Mom, the one parent who did show up for us, doesn’t anymore. And I hate myself for being so petty and needy when I am a grown woman who might be having kids of her own soon (and will I get annoyed my husband spends time with them?). I guess it just feels unfair, but also that I am the one being unfair for not being happy about it all. How do I put these feelings to bed and behave like a reasonable person and not a cartoon bad guy?

— Cats in the Cradle

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Re: My dad is now the dad he never was, and still isn't, to me.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I was all about defending the dad until H saw that he left to take the kids to a local attraction.

    IMO, it's time for the CTJ talk.  It's one thing if the dad was working a lot as the kids were younger.  My MIL complained about FIL doing this when DH was younger and I had to tell her, "My dad did the SAME THING.  It was a single income family with a SAH mom so there was OT when available which paid the bills. "   That said, when I had a dance recital or music concert, dad was there in the audience and made sure to shower and change from worker blues to clean clothing. 

    I think LW needs to talk to the father about what is being missed because if LW is not addressing that they WANT dad there and it really hurts when dad skips out on once in a lifetime events for time with the kids, it absolutely stings. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It sounds like dad is course-correcting in a way from what he did with LW and siblings.  But the missing piece is the acknowledgement.  Also, he's bent on being there for the kids so hard that he's still neglecting his original children.  That's a tough pill to swallow, especially when he's walking out on life events like a wedding to take the kids to a 'local attraction'.  His behavior may be intertwined with past guilt and grief over the loss of a family member and the kids being orphans now. 

    I think LW can approach dad, but should keep the complaints to a very narrow scope.  Like, "Dad, I think it's great that you've taken on Timmy and Tammy after their parents died.  You're doing a great job providing a them a wonderful life, and being there for them.  However, I was really hurt when you left my wedding because you chose to take the kids to "Funland"."  I'm not sure how to tie it to LW's childhood and honestly, it may be something they need to bring up to a therapist. I think if LW is struggling this much with their childhood experiences and concerned it could affect their marriage and parenting, LW should take themselves to therapy before starting down the path of trying to have kids.  

    I can say that I have some push-pull because we definitely had less money and time when the kiddo was young.  We both had commutes, DH was hopping jobs a lot, I worked mid-shift, etc.   It's why we put off even having another kid until we were married for 4+ years and how the kids ended up 10 years apart in age.  I started working from home when DefConn was a baby and then DH got a couple big breaks career-wise and started making a lot more than he was previously.  Now we have a lot of time to focus money and attention on DefConn.  However, we are always open to the kiddo coming around.  I've also had conversations with him where I've accepted my past mistakes and acknowledged how I could have done things better. 


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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It absolutely makes sense to me that the Dad would have more time for his adopted children, now that he is older and probably near retirement.

    But the LW gave two great examples of how appalling the Dad's behavior still is, to his oldest children.

    I think a CTJ conversation with the parents, possibly with the bio brothers she mentioned, could improve things.  Though it might not.  You can't change someone's behavior, only your reaction to it.  

    I also think some therapy sessions might help.  She already thinks she might feel resentful to their own hypothetical child, because that baby will have a more present father.

    She also needs to forgive herself.  Her feelings are understandable and she is not a villain for having them.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This sounds to me more like therapy and accepting the things that I cannot change. LW says they are 28 and dad is now in his 50's. Sure, work obligations, flexibility and money change a lot from 30's to 50's. But leaving your child's wedding to take the kids is legoland is pretty fucking over the top and it's not an isolated incident. 

    I just don't see dad (or mom for that matter) responding with much other than defensiveness or turning it on LW feeling jealous of orphans. 
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    At first I was like this is all understandable. Older, less worried about money, more time available, yada yada yada. But the last part reminds me so much of my mom. So try a CTJ, but be prepared it might not work. Go to therapy and remember you are worthy of love, there are people who love you, and you don't have settle for a sub-par relationship just because they are a parent unless you want to.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MyNameIsNot said:
    This sounds to me more like therapy and accepting the things that I cannot change. LW says they are 28 and dad is now in his 50's. Sure, work obligations, flexibility and money change a lot from 30's to 50's. But leaving your child's wedding to take the kids is legoland is pretty fucking over the top and it's not an isolated incident. 

    I just don't see dad (or mom for that matter) responding with much other than defensiveness or turning it on LW feeling jealous of orphans. 
    That's probably likely.  And LW may have to come to terms with the concept of distancing and taking the feelings and moving towards something positive towards their own family. 
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