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Wedding Woes

My booty call has a brain and I feel things about that.

Dear Prudence,

I am a straight man in my 30s who has been friends with benefits with “Alice” for over a year. It’s been a good, safe pandemic arrangement; Alice is fun, cute, and it’s been nice to find someone I really enjoy hanging out with and enjoy sex with and is on the same page about not being in a relationship. Uncomplicated, is what it has been, I guess, until recently.

Alice has mentioned before that she writes, and recently shared that she’d sold a story for a little bit of money, and received an honorable mention in a contest. I got a weird feeling I couldn’t place. Alice directed me to some of her work, and I read it, and ended up searching and finding a lot of more of it. She’s really, really talented, much more than I had ever stopped to consider, and I don’t know why it bothers me to find story after story that she’s written. I scribble a bit, mostly stray thoughts and RPG game worldbuilding and character stuff, but I had never thought of publishing. It shouldn’t bother me that Alice has, or that her stuff is frankly so much better than I could ever dream of producing. But it has. I am jealous and intimidated and don’t know what to do. The cute lady I eat pizza with and watch movies with and fool around with is now … someone who has done something I never could and is, let’s face it, likely smarter than I am. I mean, I had never thought she was dumb by any stretch of the imagination before, and have always thought her to be intelligent and really witty and capable of having a good argument or discussion over lots of topics, but this seems different, like the proof is solid and obvious that I don’t compare. Is there any going back from this?

— Jealous FWB

Re: My booty call has a brain and I feel things about that.

  • I think FWB has more feelings than he thinks he does. But I have no advise for someone to get over the jealousy.  

  • LW is going to need to figure out their own issues or Alice doesn't go there anymore. 
  • So, he's jealous that she's smarter than him and is published? Fuck this guy. 

    Is there any going back? Yes. Work on yourself and your obvious insecurities. Would you be as bothered if this were a male friend? Is it because it's someone you have a sexual relationship with? Do you always need to be smarter and more accomplished than the person you're sleeping with???

    Before N and I were anything official, he shared with some pieces he'd written, and I was blown away at how eloquent he was. One of thing things he shared literally brought tears to my eyes. I was hugely impressed. It never made me jealous, or intimidated or uncomfortable. And it actually made me see a new side of him I didn't know existed.  
  • That feeling you had LW I jealously and it’s yours and yours alone. Spend some time thinking about why the success of someone you at least marginally care about makes you jealous and uncomfortable. There’s a whole lot of misogyny in this post and it’s gross. 
  • You feel emasculated by a woman being smarter than you which is sad because they nearly always will be. 
    Perfect comment!  I almost spit out my coffee with laughter.

    Yeah, this guy really sucks.  They are friends.  She isn't just a hook-up.  It's okay to be a little jealous, that happens, but he should be happy for her instead of melting into a puddle of insecurity.  See it as a positive thing that a cute and very intelligent woman wants to spend time with him occasionally.

    The craziest part to me is he isn't even a writer!  She is!  So, of course Alice writes better and is more accomplished than he is, in this arena.  She's probably spent substantial time over many years perfecting her craft.  She may have natural talent, but he's not even thinking about that her skill doesn't come out of nowhere.  How much time has he spent on writing?  Almost none.

    Oh wait.  I forgot.  He scribbles random thoughts and is a gamer who develops characters.  LMAO.  I can't even believe he used this as a comparison.

    Either he needs to get over it or find another FWB woman who is less intelligent and less accomplished than him.  I suspect that will severely limit his prospects.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • These comments are the best and I agree with them.  I'm laughing out loud at my desk and I needed it.
  • I need the prudie response to this one, lol
  • I need the prudie response to this one, lol

    Dear Jealous FWB,

    Methinks the struggle you’re having is that, whether you knew it or not, you thought of Alice as a plaything. She was just a sex friend, which meant in your world she just existed for your pleasure. Such is the nature of friends with benefits sometimes, and as long as there’s mutual understanding, that’s all well and good. But it’s creating stress for you now because the rest of her life isn’t contributing to the whole “solely created to make you happy” thing you have going on.

    Here’s the thing: Maybe you’re her plaything. My friend, she probably knew this from jump, and she’s okay with it. It works for her. So you have to ask yourself if you’ll be able to enjoy yourself casually and sexually with someone who is smarter than you. If intelligence is a big part of your self-conception, this may be a hang-up. However, it doesn’t sound like it really entered the picture before. Is it easier to not catch feelings for someone you think you’re smarter than? Do you not feel as virile now that you know about her professional success? This sounds like it’s wrapped up—as all sexual relationships are—in bigger and deeper questions about who you are and how you see yourself in the world. I’d suggest, however, that you give yourself the luxury of turning your brain off when you’re hanging out with Alice. Sometimes sex can be just sex.

  • For those of you who are regular watchers of Family Guy, this letter reminded me of the episode where Brian breaks up with Jillian because she isn't as intelligent and "well read" as he is.  Then he starts dating Lauren Conrad from The Hills.  

    In the episode, Lauren has genius level intelligence and has to patiently explain things to Brian.  He is the "Jillian" in that relationship.  Lauren breaks up with him at the end of the episode because he isn't smart enough.

    I think that is one of the other things bothering the LW.  Maybe she only wants a FWB relationship anyway.  Or it could be she only wants a FWB relationship with him, because she wouldn't find him intellectually challenging enough to be in a more serious relationship with.

    ----------------------------------------

    My H and I have an inside joke that is a Jillian line.  It's from Brian having dinner with Jillian and her new b/f.  The conversation:

    Jillian:  "He speaks Orange!"

    B/f:  "That's Mandarin, honey."

    Jillian:  "Yeah!  Mandolin!"
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Wait is that also the same ep where Stewie is on the other line and Jillian calls it “specific time” instead if pacific time? And you hear Stewie laugh as a giveaway?

  • Wait is that also the same ep where Stewie is on the other line and Jillian calls it “specific time” instead if pacific time? And you hear Stewie laugh as a giveaway?
    I'm not sure if it's the same episode, but it certainly might be.  I vaguely remember that scene.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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