Dear Prudence,
My mom and I have never been particularly close. To be honest, she was emotionally abusive towards me in high school. Though things have gotten better since I moved out and far away, she’s never acknowledged how she used to treat me, and spending time with her makes me extremely anxious.
I’m 24 now. My mom supports me in superficial ways (like posting my career accomplishments on Facebook) but fails to support me in any meaningful way. (As an example, I became physically disabled last year and asked to borrow money when working got hard and I was worried about finances—she said she couldn’t afford to loan me anything, despite having made over six figures that year. Months later, she built both a deck and a new garage for her house.) Until recently, my poor relationship with my mother didn’t bother me too much. I live across the country from her and we rarely see each other, and we mostly leave each other alone save for the odd monthly phone call. However, recently she’s been trying to be close with me, and I don’t know what to do.
I moved into my own apartment a few months ago, and my mother invited herself over to visit me for a weekend. She booked a ticket for five days (much longer than we’d agreed upon). The entire time she was here, she got broody whenever I wanted to spend moments apart. I’m a freelancer so I work from home, and she’d get offended if I wanted to answer emails or work for even just a few minutes, acting as though it was a sign I “didn’t want her there.” (Again, she was there for five days—expecting me not to work at all during that time feels unfair, and made me feel antsy and stressed.) Despite the constant time together, it was an overall fine visit. The problem is that, now that she’s back home, she’s acting as though we’re best friends and expecting a lot more from me than she ever did before. She calls me every two-to-three days, and gets angry and persistent if I don’t answer in what she considers a timely way. For example, yesterday she called me at 10 a.m. She then texted me to let me know she’d called me. Two hours later, at noon, she texted “hello?” At 1, she texted “hello????” I was spending the day with some friends and had to step away from the group to let my mom know I was busy. She immediately answered that she was “worried about me” because I’m “always at my phone,” so “why couldn’t I take a minute to call her back?” She demanded I call her later in the day. Situations like this happen every few days now, and they always send me spiraling. It’s like I’m always on high alert, knowing that if my mom calls and I don’t answer immediately, she’ll bombard me with messages.
I really just don’t know what to do about this superficial closeness. All my friends insist I should just talk to her, but don’t seem to have had any experience dealing with someone this explosive and manipulative. The way my mom treated me when I was younger makes standing up for myself a really scary prospect: I know she’ll immediately find a way to villainize me and play the victim, no matter what I say. At the same time, I recognize that even if we were close, the level of expectation she has for me is unfair and unsustainable. SOS!
— Disheartened Daughter