Dear Prudence,
I have a nice finished basement apartment that I rent out to the local university students. Mostly the international ones. I use the money I get from it to help out my own two kids who go to school out of state. My ex wanted to be near family after the divorce and her mother and sister both had health problems; I didn’t contest. I have a good relationship with my kids. My wife and I have been married five years, and this is both our second marriage. She and my kids get along but aren’t close since they were basically grown when we married.
My wife’s niece, “Nora,” has been a disaster since she was 16. Got pregnant out of wedlock, dropped out of high school, dropped off her kid on her parents, and ran off with some random guy—rinse and repeat. Her parents adopted the first two children and cut ties with Nora. The state took the third. The last person to try and help Nora was her grandmother—who Nora rewarded by stealing her Social Security checks. And she has repeated this pattern with her entire family.
Nora is in prison for multiple thefts and due to get out soon. She has been writing my wife for months and claimed she has found the Lord. She is a “new woman” and ready to make things right. My wife believes her and has driven down to visit Nora several times. My wife wants to house Nora in the apartment until she can get on her feet. I told her, “Over my dead body.” First, Nora has burned way too many bridges to make me believe she has changed. Second, I don’t want to be robbed (access to the apartment comes through our kitchen). Third, I need the income to help my kids and save for our retirement.
My wife argues I am not being fair. She says I should trust her judgment here, and if one of my kids needed help, I would let them move in a heartbeat. I told her she can’t compare my kids to Nora. It is apples and rotten oranges. And if they had put me through a fifth of the grief Nora put her parents through, I would cut them off without a second thought. My sister-in-law and her husband should be enjoying their golden years and not running after elementary-age children. Even with the help of their son, it is very hard on their health.
I told my wife, if she was so gung-ho about taking care of Nora, to put her up in the cabin she inherited from her late husband. It might be in the middle of the woods but there are several towns nearby where Nora could seek work, and she could even let Nora have her old truck. She rents it out often enough. My wife told me that was her property and not mine. I told her she proved my point. When we married, we agreed not to mingle our previous assets. My will states my wife will live in this house until she dies, but my kids will get it in the end. This is all legal and has been approved by our attorney.
My wife cries and called me a “coldhearted son of a bitch.” I just told her I live here but Nora has been nothing but a millstone around everyone’s neck. I offered to take over the majority of the bills and let my wife spend her share on Nora. My wife snapped at me, “That will not be enough in this economy.” I just told her I loved her, but not to the point of ruin. If Nora was the breaking point, I would break. I love my wife. I don’t want to lose her but I am prepared to. She refuses marriage counseling. Help.
—Wedge