Your have to put on your oxygen mask first before you can help anyone else.

mrsconn23 · April 2022

Dear Prudence,

My aunt took me in as a teen after my parents kicked me out. She kept me from being homeless. My problem is I don’t know if I can do the same. She is disabled, on a fixed income, and can’t keep up the maintenance on her house—not just the just the regular stuff like mowing the yard, but knowing when to get the roof repaired. I live in a different state and can’t be there to help out on the day-to-day. I have been sending her more than $1000 each month for her to pay for services, but my company folded under COVID. My new position doesn’t pay as well. I had to get a part time job on weekends to keep helping my aunt. I can’t keep up this pace. I am struggling to take care of my bills, let alone my aunt’s. She doesn’t want to leave her home and refuses to discuss other options like getting roommates or selling and moving in with me. My cousins are leeches who don’t care about their mother, only what they can get out of her. They would steal everything not nailed down and leave her on a street corner. I love my aunt, but I can’t keep this up. Help.

— Burning the Candle on Both Ends

banana468 · April 2022

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
My aunt took me in as a teen after my parents kicked me out. She kept me from being homeless. My problem is I don’t know if I can do the same. She is disabled, on a fixed income, and can’t keep up the maintenance on her house—not just the just the regular stuff like mowing the yard, but knowing when to get the roof repaired. I live in a different state and can’t be there to help out on the day-to-day. I have been sending her more than $1000 each month for her to pay for services, but my company folded under COVID. My new position doesn’t pay as well. I had to get a part time job on weekends to keep helping my aunt. I can’t keep up this pace. I am struggling to take care of my bills, let alone my aunt’s. She doesn’t want to leave her home and refuses to discuss other options like getting roommates or selling and moving in with me. My cousins are leeches who don’t care about their mother, only what they can get out of her. They would steal everything not nailed down and leave her on a street corner. I love my aunt, but I can’t keep this up. Help.
— Burning the Candle on Both Ends

This is not an arrangement that will work long term and LW you're pissing your money away out of guilt.

Talk to your aunt. Be clear that you want to help but you're not going to fund a money pit. See if a reverse mortgage can work if she qualifies or better yet - see if she can downsize into something that is better.

I'll say it again - if you can spend $1000 then spend a few hundred to consult with an elder care attorney who can point you in the right direction of how to help but not make this your cost.

short+sassy · April 2022

Most striking to me is that the LW even suggested the aunt sell her home and move in. That IS offering the aunt the same help that the aunt gave to the LW, all those years ago.

The LW needs to be kind, but blunt. I'm sure the aunt knows the LW lost their job and has taken a lower paying one. The LW needs to tell her she can no longer afford to help her financially or can only help with XYZ. Whatever the case might be.

The LW can make a case again for other options the aunt can take. Assuming the aunt still refuses, leave the door open. Let her know that, if she changes her mind, they'll do what they can to help her transition to something else.

It's hard to see someone you love making bad decisions. But, at the end of the day, the aunt is a grown-ass adult who is making those decisions and choosing what she thinks is best for herself. And the LW needs to let her and put away their own guilt.

Your have to put on your oxygen mask first before you can help anyone else.

Re: Your have to put on your oxygen mask first before you can help anyone else.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards