Overbearing in-laws

knottiedc5ccea343537d06 · April 2022

Has anyone ever heard of a tradition where the brides parents come to the bride and grooms room to count the gift money after the wedding? Her parents insist on it and even she is ok with it. I feel like it’s not their place to know what we received on top of really ruining the moment of being alone finally on that night. If anyone else has heard of this I’d appreciate to hear about it because unfortunately it’s caused a lot of fighting and we’re not even married yet.

maine7mob · April 2022

Is your fiancee from a different culture than yours? If so, this may be part of their tradition.

Regardless, it's your wedding. If both of you don't want this, then lock the door and start in on the, um, festivities. But I would absolutely not argue about this now. Just tell them this will not be happening and refuse to engage any further.

knottiedc5ccea343537d06 · April 2022

They’re Italian and I’ve asked other friends and even family with the same background and no one has heard of this. I’m trying to do the right thing but my gut tells me it’s wrong. I don’t want this to be a precedent of what will be tolerated in the future.

downtondiva · May 2022

I've never, ever heard of this, whether from friends who are Italian or from anyone else.

Have your fiancee's parents given a concrete reason why they think being in on counting the money like this is necessary? If you don't mind my asking, are your future in-laws paying for the wedding? I say that because some people see the gift money to the marrying couple as a way to recoup some of what they've paid for the event. I agree with you that it's inappropriate.

VerizonGirl · May 2022

Where I live, weddings are "old school traditional" and gifts are sent or dropped off at least a week before the wedding. Very very few people give money because the gifts are supposed to be long-lasting reminders of the people who witnessed the wedding and who would be marriage mentors for you if you wanted to ask anything like about financing a mortgage or daycare choices or filing married taxes, etc., and if they did give money, it's a check mailed in a card. So if your wedding follows etiquette, there won't be very many gifts brought to the actual event, money or physical gifts.

That said, here are two similar situations:

I went to a tiny high school in a tiny midwestern town where the wedding receptions had a dinner and then the cake was cut immediately, and as guests ate the cake, the bride and groom opened every gift and announced what it was and who it was from - kind of like the gift-opening part of a baby shower - because there was no dancing/music, so the gift-opening was the "entertainment."

And I got married at noon followed by a lunch. I'd asked a friend to take the stuff and store it for a week but she said she had to leave early (!). We had no "wedding party" so we packed everything and drove it all to my mom's condo, where we all had another piece of cake and I got a pen and paper and made a "ThankYouList" of the gifts and givers, which means that we DID open the cards and make note of the amounts on the checks...

So if you have to do this weird tradition, I would do it after the reception, in the reception room, with the maid of honor and best man there also. No way is it OK for the bride's parents to come up to the honeymoon suite for anything at all.

banana468 · May 2022

VerizonGirl said:

Where I live, weddings are "old school traditional" and gifts are sent or dropped off at least a week before the wedding. Very very few people give money because the gifts are supposed to be long-lasting reminders of the people who witnessed the wedding and who would be marriage mentors for you if you wanted to ask anything like about financing a mortgage or daycare choices or filing married taxes, etc., and if they did give money, it's a check mailed in a card. So if your wedding follows etiquette, there won't be very many gifts brought to the actual event, money or physical gifts.

That said, here are two similar situations:

I went to a tiny high school in a tiny midwestern town where the wedding receptions had a dinner and then the cake was cut immediately, and as guests ate the cake, the bride and groom opened every gift and announced what it was and who it was from - kind of like the gift-opening part of a baby shower - because there was no dancing/music, so the gift-opening was the "entertainment."

And I got married at noon followed by a lunch. I'd asked a friend to take the stuff and store it for a week but she said she had to leave early (!). We had no "wedding party" so we packed everything and drove it all to my mom's condo, where we all had another piece of cake and I got a pen and paper and made a "ThankYouList" of the gifts and givers, which means that we DID open the cards and make note of the amounts on the checks...

So if you have to do this weird tradition, I would do it after the reception, in the reception room, with the maid of honor and best man there also. No way is it OK for the bride's parents to come up to the honeymoon suite for anything at all.

Stop with your old school traditional nonsense. Cash has been a common wedding gift for generations in multiple cultures making it too old school traditional.

OP, I think you need to put your foot down. State that the gifts are for the two of you and you won't share them with your parents and you expect the same from your partner.

knottiedc5ccea343537d06 · May 2022

Yes they are paying for the wedding but not entirely. They aren’t looking to be paid back or even get a portion back. My fiancé just tells me that they want to do this with no explanation and she is just going along with it. However when I say I don’t want them in the room and ask why can’t we just tell them the total if that’s what they’re looking for. She says no and actually says the wedding may be off then. I really don’t know what to do.

MyNameIsNot · May 2022

knottiedc5ccea343537d06 said:

Yes they are paying for the wedding but not entirely. They aren’t looking to be paid back or even get a portion back. My fiancé just tells me that they want to do this with no explanation and she is just going along with it. However when I say I don’t want them in the room and ask why can’t we just tell them the total if that’s what they’re looking for. She says no and actually says the wedding may be off then. I really don’t know what to do.

So her logic is either she blindly goes along with whatever obnoxious or pushy thing her parents want even without any semblance of a reason for them to want it, or just not get married?

Yeah, no. Call her bluff or put your foot down. This will not end here. Her parents are going to expect to dictate anything and everything about your life and she will expect you to just go along with it. She needs to learn to tell them no.

downtondiva · May 2022

knottiedc5ccea343537d06 said:

Yes they are paying for the wedding but not entirely. They aren’t looking to be paid back or even get a portion back. My fiancé just tells me that they want to do this with no explanation and she is just going along with it. However when I say I don’t want them in the room and ask why can’t we just tell them the total if that’s what they’re looking for. She says no and actually says the wedding may be off then. I really don’t know what to do.

I really hate to say it, but if your fiancee is willing to call off a wedding over this rather than set boundaries with her parents, I think you really need to reconsider this marriage. This will not be the last time her parents overstep and she lets them, and I find it disturbing that her solution to your unhappiness with the situation over this "tradition" is to tell you to go along or forget about getting married. Do you want to spend the rest of your life hearing an ultimatum every time you disagree with her or don't want to acquiesce to her parents?

banana468 · May 2022

MyNameIsNot said:

knottiedc5ccea343537d06 said:

Yes they are paying for the wedding but not entirely. They aren’t looking to be paid back or even get a portion back. My fiancé just tells me that they want to do this with no explanation and she is just going along with it. However when I say I don’t want them in the room and ask why can’t we just tell them the total if that’s what they’re looking for. She says no and actually says the wedding may be off then. I really don’t know what to do.

So her logic is either she blindly goes along with whatever obnoxious or pushy thing her parents want even without any semblance of a reason for them to want it, or just not get married?

Yeah, no. Call her bluff or put your foot down. This will not end here. Her parents are going to expect to dictate anything and everything about your life and she will expect you to just go along with it. She needs to learn to tell them no.

So do not get married.

Ask her WHY this is a hill for her to die on. And why the personal information of your guests (what they give you is between them and you two - NOT others) is ANY of their business and why is acquiescing to this is her hill to die on.

IMO I would be clear and if it was me that it's an invasion of our and the privacy of the gift givers to share that information and you simply are not going to do that. FWIW, I was in a similar situation where my MIL asked to see the list from the shower and we put our foot down. She threw a fit and I didn't care.

I'd also take that to extend to futher matters. How much information does she think her parents are to have? Should they know your finances? Salary? Does she follow the concept that upon leaving her parents you TWO are now one? If you want to go w/ tradition then they also need to respect that this isn't a HS graduation or confirmation. She's not their dependent anymore and needs to put up boundaries.

I will flat out say that if this is a big deal to you then be clear - this is not a marriage that will start if she thinks that there are four people in it.

MesmrEwe · May 2022

There's a boundary line and yea... What others said about the whole if she's willing to call the wedding off over this as a "hill to die on", what happens when it's time to name a child and your FIL's pick out the name instead of the two of you or how you choose a home/vehicle/etc. - because "Tradition of course!".. Or, how many/if you have kids. There's a time and place for healthy boundaries, such as when you start your marriage. Opening up all money gifts your wedding night when there are other things to attend to at that time, or like you mentioned, in your bridal suite that night, NOPE! It's okay to set a boundary here as others mentioned!

It's one thing to insist on a gift opening/brunch the day after the wedding where you get together and go through and open things, and even then, those have been losing their luster because it's no one else's business what people give to you, AND, it's a heck of a lot easier to open gifts and write Thank You notes at your own pace instead of that rush through and add up everything because there hits a point of just going through things to get it done instead of really being able to take in the generosity, write things down for a proper thank you (the person who recorded for us while we were opening wrote things like "Bowl" or "Knives" or "Glasses" which made it impossible when writing sincere thank you notes!), etc. The only caveat to that is situations where it was found someone stole gifts from the reception and it was found because the gift opening guests' gift wasn't there.

It's also time for a line of communication with your FI that it's none of their parent's business what people give you two as gifts, but more importantly, your wedding night is not the time and your bridal suite is not the place! If they're curious as to what constitutes a good wedding gift for the modern era, or what her Great Great Aunt Gravel Gurtie gives you two, there are resources out there for that, which still makes it none of their business unless your FI decides to share it with them at a future point in time.

climbingsingle · May 2022

I've never heard of this before, ever.

I also find it a huge red flag that she's not willing to set a boundary with her parents, and it's not even open for discussion.

ei34 · May 2022

Okay. So. We do have "the bag" (sometimes the booster/boosta bag...like, here's a bunch of cash to boost the start of your married lives), and stemming from the bag, "the list". My mom knows my list and my sisters' lists. It is a yardstick to know how to gift other family members down the line. Not in a vindictive way, just a "okay, aunt and uncle from Queens give $1000 as a wedding gift, and aunt and uncle from Vermont give $250". It sets the tone as far as what certain family think a wedding gift (baptism gift, communion gift, etc.) is for when cousins get married. It's helpful.

Sharing this as a look inside and since I know regulars here know that I'm not a selfish monster and that my family are not either

that said, please feel free to judge, typed out it looks bad.

BUT BUT BUT I've never heard of the bride's parents being there for the actual opening of the envelopes. For that matter I've never heard of the envelopes being opened on the wedding night.

banana468 · May 2022

ei34 said:

Okay. So. We do have "the bag" (sometimes the booster/boosta bag...like, here's a bunch of cash to boost the start of your married lives), and stemming from the bag, "the list". My mom knows my list and my sisters' lists. It is a yardstick to know how to gift other family members down the line. Not in a vindictive way, just a "okay, aunt and uncle from Queens give $1000 as a wedding gift, and aunt and uncle from Vermont give $250". It sets the tone as far as what certain family think a wedding gift (baptism gift, communion gift, etc.) is for when cousins get married. It's helpful.

Sharing this as a look inside and since I know regulars here know that I'm not a selfish monster and that my family are not either that said, please feel free to judge, typed out it looks bad.

BUT BUT BUT I've never heard of the bride's parents being there for the actual opening of the envelopes. For that matter I've never heard of the envelopes being opened on the wedding night.

Even with that, I find it really really squidgy. What if the aunt and uncle in Vermont are on hard times that week?

My aunt told me that her former MIL kept her gift list from her wedding in her hope chest. She gave EXACTLY what she received and she was married just after the depression!

What we did: If someone gave ABOVE and beyond and they were close to us we told the ILs. Like FIL's boss gave us more than others. We said, "FYI your boss was super generous to us." And if they wanted to know "What's the average gift know a days?" we told them. But we didn't say that FIL's brother gave $150 and his sister gave $100 and MIL's sister gave only $50." It would be rude and ranking. I also knew FULL WELL when MIL requested the list from my shower because she wanted to pit FIL's siblings against her girlfriends and I was not going to have ANY of that.

banana468 · May 2022

Also, I know you're not a selfish monster @ei34!

MobKaz · May 2022

knottiedc5ccea343537d06 said:

Has anyone ever heard of a tradition where the brides parents come to the bride and grooms room to count the gift money after the wedding? Her parents insist on it and even she is ok with it. I feel like it’s not their place to know what we received on top of really ruining the moment of being alone finally on that night. If anyone else has heard of this I’d appreciate to hear about it because unfortunately it’s caused a lot of fighting and we’re not even married yet.

Yes they are paying for the wedding but not entirely. They aren’t looking to be paid back or even get a portion back. My fiancé just tells me that they want to do this with no explanation and she is just going along with it. However when I say I don’t want them in the room and ask why can’t we just tell them the total if that’s what they’re looking for. She says no and actually says the wedding may be off then. I really don’t know what to do.

*****STUCK in box………….Because of travel plans, my parents took all envelopes home with them. It would never have occurred to them to open our cards. Way back when, however, we did have friends/family who would want to know “certain gifts/amounts from certain friends/family” because they wanted to make sure that when the time came, they gifted “in kind”, or did not “overgift” to the point it made the others feel awkward in any way. OP, your FI does not sound at all ready for marriage. She is not willing to offer any compromise whatsoever. She is putting her parents first on the first night you become your own family. A minimum of a compromise is the very first important baby step in demonstrating your new family with each other.

@VerizonGirl, my mom did, in fact, come up briefly to our hotel room. Because we were headed to the airport first thing in the morning, I needed someone to take my wedding gown home. We all survived such a non-issue. It is not the horror you imply.

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