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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Overbearing in-laws
Has anyone ever heard of a tradition where the brides parents come to the bride and grooms room to count the gift money after the wedding? Her parents insist on it and even she is ok with it. I feel like it’s not their place to know what we received on top of really ruining the moment of being alone finally on that night. If anyone else has heard of this I’d appreciate to hear about it because unfortunately it’s caused a lot of fighting and we’re not even married yet.
Re: Overbearing in-laws
Regardless, it's your wedding. If both of you don't want this, then lock the door and start in on the, um, festivities. But I would absolutely not argue about this now. Just tell them this will not be happening and refuse to engage any further.
Have your fiancee's parents given a concrete reason why they think being in on counting the money like this is necessary? If you don't mind my asking, are your future in-laws paying for the wedding? I say that because some people see the gift money to the marrying couple as a way to recoup some of what they've paid for the event. I agree with you that it's inappropriate.
That said, here are two similar situations:
I went to a tiny high school in a tiny midwestern town where the wedding receptions had a dinner and then the cake was cut immediately, and as guests ate the cake, the bride and groom opened every gift and announced what it was and who it was from - kind of like the gift-opening part of a baby shower - because there was no dancing/music, so the gift-opening was the "entertainment."
And I got married at noon followed by a lunch. I'd asked a friend to take the stuff and store it for a week but she said she had to leave early (!). We had no "wedding party" so we packed everything and drove it all to my mom's condo, where we all had another piece of cake and I got a pen and paper and made a "ThankYouList" of the gifts and givers, which means that we DID open the cards and make note of the amounts on the checks...
So if you have to do this weird tradition, I would do it after the reception, in the reception room, with the maid of honor and best man there also. No way is it OK for the bride's parents to come up to the honeymoon suite for anything at all.
OP, I think you need to put your foot down. State that the gifts are for the two of you and you won't share them with your parents and you expect the same from your partner.
Yeah, no. Call her bluff or put your foot down. This will not end here. Her parents are going to expect to dictate anything and everything about your life and she will expect you to just go along with it. She needs to learn to tell them no.
Ask her WHY this is a hill for her to die on. And why the personal information of your guests (what they give you is between them and you two - NOT others) is ANY of their business and why is acquiescing to this is her hill to die on.
IMO I would be clear and if it was me that it's an invasion of our and the privacy of the gift givers to share that information and you simply are not going to do that. FWIW, I was in a similar situation where my MIL asked to see the list from the shower and we put our foot down. She threw a fit and I didn't care.
I'd also take that to extend to futher matters. How much information does she think her parents are to have? Should they know your finances? Salary? Does she follow the concept that upon leaving her parents you TWO are now one? If you want to go w/ tradition then they also need to respect that this isn't a HS graduation or confirmation. She's not their dependent anymore and needs to put up boundaries.
I will flat out say that if this is a big deal to you then be clear - this is not a marriage that will start if she thinks that there are four people in it.
It's one thing to insist on a gift opening/brunch the day after the wedding where you get together and go through and open things, and even then, those have been losing their luster because it's no one else's business what people give to you, AND, it's a heck of a lot easier to open gifts and write Thank You notes at your own pace instead of that rush through and add up everything because there hits a point of just going through things to get it done instead of really being able to take in the generosity, write things down for a proper thank you (the person who recorded for us while we were opening wrote things like "Bowl" or "Knives" or "Glasses" which made it impossible when writing sincere thank you notes!), etc. The only caveat to that is situations where it was found someone stole gifts from the reception and it was found because the gift opening guests' gift wasn't there.
It's also time for a line of communication with your FI that it's none of their parent's business what people give you two as gifts, but more importantly, your wedding night is not the time and your bridal suite is not the place! If they're curious as to what constitutes a good wedding gift for the modern era, or what her Great Great Aunt Gravel Gurtie gives you two, there are resources out there for that, which still makes it none of their business unless your FI decides to share it with them at a future point in time.
I also find it a huge red flag that she's not willing to set a boundary with her parents, and it's not even open for discussion.
Sharing this as a look inside and since I know regulars here know that I'm not a selfish monster and that my family are not either
BUT BUT BUT I've never heard of the bride's parents being there for the actual opening of the envelopes. For that matter I've never heard of the envelopes being opened on the wedding night.
My aunt told me that her former MIL kept her gift list from her wedding in her hope chest. She gave EXACTLY what she received and she was married just after the depression!
What we did: If someone gave ABOVE and beyond and they were close to us we told the ILs. Like FIL's boss gave us more than others. We said, "FYI your boss was super generous to us." And if they wanted to know "What's the average gift know a days?" we told them. But we didn't say that FIL's brother gave $150 and his sister gave $100 and MIL's sister gave only $50." It would be rude and ranking. I also knew FULL WELL when MIL requested the list from my shower because she wanted to pit FIL's siblings against her girlfriends and I was not going to have ANY of that.