Dear Prudence,
I am a divorced woman in my 30s. When I got married, I took my husband’s last name. When I got divorced, I kept his name. We do not have children, but I decided to keep it for a number of reasons—it’s a hassle to change for everything; it speaks to my being bilingual when my maiden name does not (which helps decrease questions or concerns from clients at my job); I don’t have much (if any) of a relationship with my conservative, Catholic father because of how he reacted to the end of my marriage; and I also just got used to it being my name. However, the more it is brought to my attention when people in my personal life ask what my last name is now, the weirder I feel about my decision to keep it. My ex-husband is not a terrible person, but we aren’t married anymore, and I don’t particularly want to keep his name (and it would be weird if I got married again). I also don’t want to go back to my maiden name, because I don’t particularly want a direct connection with my father, and my relationships with my siblings are also waning due in part to my issues with him. I had thought before about changing my name to a family name from farther back—there’s one I like that belonged to my paternal great-grandmother—but at the time I didn’t want to spend the money. Now I’m starting to really feel like it would be worth it.
I told this to my mother (my parents are divorced), and she didn’t like the idea and was very concerned that it would upset my father and make our relationship even worse and worsen my relationships with my siblings also. She said it would be a constant reminder to my father of our divide, and it would hurt him. I explained to her that I’m not trying to hurt anyone, but I don’t feel good about my name as it is, and I’m the one who has to live with it, not them, and my father may or may not be a real presence in my life anyway, unfortunately. Is changing my last name unreasonable or hurtful?
— What’s in a Name?