Wedding Woes

Stop putting your life on hold for other people

Late last year, my husband and I bought a house that has been divided into two units from a family friend who was tired of being a landlord. We moved into to larger unit, but the small one continued to be occupied by “Ed.” He had lived there for over a decade and had always been a model tenant, but he survives on a fixed income. His rent hadn’t been raised in five years. He wouldn’t be able to find anything close to this on the current market. We agreed to extend the lease for a year at the regular rate. Ed’s health has been rapidly going downhill. He used to be an active senior who could take the bus to go grocery shopping, but more recently, he has fallen twice and has to use a walker now. We were the ones who took him to the hospital and all his follow up appointments. We are the ones doing his shopping and heavy chores like laundry (even making his bed). I even cook meals for Ed three times a week after he hurt his dominant hand.

We didn’t mean to get this involved. Ed is a nice old man and after his first fall, it was just the kind thing to do to get him back in his feet. Months later, it has become apparent Ed isn’t getting any better. The end of the lease has come and gone. My husband and I tried to talk to Ed about other options, and he burst into tears. This was his home and he didn’t want to leave. We agreed to another six-months lease, which will be up in October. Ed doesn’t have any surviving immediately family, his sons died young, his sisters are dead, and there is a niece that lives out of state. She has no interest in helping Ed. We have contacted senior services and are on a waiting list to even get an appointment. We have gotten some respite from a local church that will drive Ed to church and other places.

My husband and I don’t know what to do. We had vague plans to merge the house back to its original state. That isn’t happening. We had plans to try for children. That isn’t happening. We had plans to go on a two-week vacation. That isn’t happening. We worry about Ed. He is a sweet guy who we are very fond of, but we aren’t his family. Ed doesn’t have much in terms of savings, even if we saved and gave back his rent. It would be less than $3,000. We have college loans, property taxes, and a mortgage to worry about ourselves. If Ed was able to live in his own, my husband and I would happily keep up the arrangement. We care about Ed, but now it feels like we care too much. What can we do?

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Re: Stop putting your life on hold for other people

  • This absolutely sucks but you like the guy so work with him to move on.  Continue to call the local places but it's also not fair to you to use your money to subsidize his care. 
  • This has gotten to ridiculous proportions.  They don't even feel like they can take a vacation because of Ed.

    For me, some of this question hinges on when they want to start the work on turning this house back into a SFH.  That's the deadline on when Ed needs to move and this needs to be crystal clear.  Not just that he will need to leave, but why he needs to leave, ie they are expanding the house to start their own family.  Help him sign up for rental assistance programs, like S8.

    In the meantime, they need to STOP.  S-T-O-P.  All the doing heavy chores and cooking for him.  Once in awhile as a nicety, okay.  But they've taken on a responsibility and now an expectation that isn't theirs to be burdened with.

    It doesn't even have to be cold turkey.  But let him know all the extra help has become too much and he needs to start doing things for himself again or hire help.  I realize he probably can't afford extra help, but that is his problem.

    Ed might be in an impossible situation.  That does really suck and it's not fair.  But they can't keep making Ed's problems, theirs.
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  • This has gotten to ridiculous proportions.  They don't even feel like they can take a vacation because of Ed.

    For me, some of this question hinges on when they want to start the work on turning this house back into a SFH.  That's the deadline on when Ed needs to move and this needs to be crystal clear.  Not just that he will need to leave, but why he needs to leave, ie they are expanding the house to start their own family.  Help him sign up for rental assistance programs, like S8.

    In the meantime, they need to STOP.  S-T-O-P.  All the doing heavy chores and cooking for him.  Once in awhile as a nicety, okay.  But they've taken on a responsibility and now an expectation that isn't theirs to be burdened with.

    It doesn't even have to be cold turkey.  But let him know all the extra help has become too much and he needs to start doing things for himself again or hire help.  I realize he probably can't afford extra help, but that is his problem.

    Ed might be in an impossible situation.  That does really suck and it's not fair.  But they can't keep making Ed's problems, theirs.
    This is pretty much where I am. It's a really sad situation, but LW and  husband can't keep taking on this much, especially not at the expense of their own goals. The things they've been putting off are big, big things. It's not like they're waiting to convert an extra bedroom into a man cave until a relative moves out of it.

    They need to sit down with Ed and make him understand why this is no longer working and offer to assist him with finding other living arrangements. As far as the chores and meals go, I agree that LW and husband need to start setting some limits; Ed needs to learn to live without their kindness, which has gone further than it ever probably should have. I wonder if the local church would also be able to help with meals, etc. in any way.
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  • While I agree with everything you said, S&S, I think LW and husband are incapable of following it. I'm leaning toward sell the property, hopefully to someone with more of a spine. 

    Apparently the theme of today's Prudie is pushovers.
  • While I agree with everything you said, S&S, I think LW and husband are incapable of following it. I'm leaning toward sell the property, hopefully to someone with more of a spine. 

    Apparently the theme of today's Prudie is pushovers.
    For not quite that extreme, they could also hire a property management company to be the unemotional "bad guys".  It will cost them some money.  Usually 8-10% of the rent collected.  But a PM company will be well versed in what notices to post when and will deal with all the "sob stories".

    Ed will still cry to them, but a PM company will put more distance into the relationship, at least from the business side of things.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2022
    It's time to get Ed on "the list" for senior/assisted living.  Yes, he's going to need help with the process and probably more than LW would like, but it's in the overall going to be less than LW becoming a free caregiver, which is another reason that's pressing for getting the Department of Aging involved and push the process along because some parts of the country he can't be evicted over the winter months...  It sucks to have the day when one realizes they can't do everything living independently anymore, and the reality is that it's easier for him to come to the conclusion that "it's time" even if that means LW becoming the mover and helping that process along...  

    Also, there's a line between business and personal, they've already crossed it, at least they realize that and are planning to put that part of the house back into part of their house instead of keeping it a rental unit!   

    ETA:  LW - take the vacation, start making it easier for Ed to realize it's time to move into Senior living!!!
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