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Wedding Woes
mrsconn23
member
I forgot today's classic Prudie!
in Wedding Woes
My 16-year-old daughter began dating a classmate in April. Two months ago, he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Overnight, he and his family came to demand a ridiculous amount of commitment from my daughter. She is expected to organize gatherings of their friends, come to appointments, and do whatever she can to lift his spirits. She feels overwhelmed by his parents’ demands, and my husband and I feel wary at how she become “the one bright spot” in his life. Thanks to movies like The Fault in Our Stars and 50/50, as well as to his parents, she thinks only “bitches” dump their cancer stricken boyfriends. I worry she will implode if she doesn’t take some healthy distance from him. As a parent of someone on the cusp of legal adulthood, what should I do?
Re: I forgot today's classic Prudie!
This is not a reasonable expectation of a TEENAGER. Normally I try to have my kid advocate for herself even at 11 but in a situation like this I'd consider one of two things:
1-Sit down with the daughter to determine what balance of responsibility / activity she is comfortable with and that we mutually agree is OK. She can tell the BF's mom that her own mom is telling her no to the rest. But really I'm leaning towards this:
2-Call the mom of the BF. Schedule a visit of mom to mom. Offer to bring coffee or alcohol and a gift card to their favorite restaurant. And then has things out about how the mom of the BF is dealing but also how this is stress on the teen. Make sure that the mom knows you are truly sympathetic to everything that is going on however this is also taking a toll on your daughter and the boyfriend's total happiness cannot hang on your own daughter with a stress level of a teen trying to navigate life.
Adults cannot and should not rely on a teenager and it's likely going to take another grown up at their level to try to get them to see that.
The only slack I want to cut the parents is that they're so clouded by their stress they do not see what they're doing as SO BAD to the LW's kid.
I'm not sure I could be nice about this, but I sure would try. I'm not sure there's any way for it to not blow up, but hopefully between adults, mom could get through to protect her daughter from additional trauma. I think LW needs to speak with her daughter first, a few times, and get a clear sense of what it is daughter does want to do (if anything), then both parent sets need to get together to discuss daughter's boundaries as gently, clearly, and firmly as possible. Hopefully it works out, but if it doesn't, the parents can shoulder the blame for daughter, rather than the daughter taking on more trauma.
Also, going to chemo appts with someone is a special kind of hell. I'm actually very good and competent at it, especially the advocacy part of things (I went with my BFF and my mom), but it's truly not for everyone. It's stressful and can be overwhelming or scary.
My only point was the attempt to be nice to parents who are going through stress while also pointing out everything you said.