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I forgot today's classic Prudie!

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
My 16-year-old daughter began dating a classmate in April. Two months ago, he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Overnight, he and his family came to demand a ridiculous amount of commitment from my daughter. She is expected to organize gatherings of their friends, come to appointments, and do whatever she can to lift his spirits. She feels overwhelmed by his parents’ demands, and my husband and I feel wary at how she become “the one bright spot” in his life. Thanks to movies like The Fault in Our Stars and 50/50, as well as to his parents, she thinks only “bitches” dump their cancer stricken boyfriends. I worry she will implode if she doesn’t take some healthy distance from him. As a parent of someone on the cusp of legal adulthood, what should I do? 
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Re: I forgot today's classic Prudie!

  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    The 16 year old needs to speak up and take a distance and put up boundaries.

    This is not a reasonable expectation of a TEENAGER.   Normally I try to have my kid advocate for herself even at 11 but in a situation like this I'd consider one of two things:
    1-Sit down with the daughter to determine what balance of responsibility / activity she is comfortable with and that we mutually agree is OK.  She can tell the BF's mom that her own mom is telling her no to the rest.  But really I'm leaning towards this:

    2-Call the mom of the BF.  Schedule a visit of mom to mom.  Offer to bring coffee or alcohol and a gift card to their favorite restaurant.  And then has things out about how the mom of the BF is dealing but also how this is stress on the teen.  Make sure that the mom knows you are truly sympathetic to everything that is going on however this is also taking a toll on your daughter and the boyfriend's total happiness cannot hang on your own daughter with a stress level of a teen trying to navigate life.  


    Adults cannot and should not rely on a teenager and it's likely going to take another grown up at their level to try to get them to see that.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Jesusmaryjoseph, you step in here LW.  You show up with your daughter, let her visit with her SO, and pull mom/dad aside.  Be empathetic, but also tell them you have to protect your own child.   This is traumatizing shit for adults, much less teenagers, who can have a very hard time grasping serious illness and mortality.  Also, she is under no obligation to be the cancer event planner.  I'm sorry for their sick kid, but this is terrible behavior that needs to be stopped cold.  
    I'm almost in the mind to show up without my kid.

    The only slack I want to cut the parents is that they're so clouded by their stress they do not see what they're doing as SO BAD to the LW's kid.   
    I've seen enough fuckery over less that tells me these parents are attention whores without the sick kid.  Who expects parties and gatherings to be thrown for their sick child?  I hope once he gets treatment that reality sets in and the *need* for every Tom, Dick, and Sherry from his HS to show up for him as proof they care subsides. 

    Also, going to chemo appts with someone is a special kind of hell.  I'm actually very good and competent at it, especially the advocacy part of things (I went with my BFF and my mom), but it's truly not for everyone.  It's stressful and can be overwhelming or scary.  
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Jesusmaryjoseph, you step in here LW.  You show up with your daughter, let her visit with her SO, and pull mom/dad aside.  Be empathetic, but also tell them you have to protect your own child.   This is traumatizing shit for adults, much less teenagers, who can have a very hard time grasping serious illness and mortality.  Also, she is under no obligation to be the cancer event planner.  I'm sorry for their sick kid, but this is terrible behavior that needs to be stopped cold.  
    I'm almost in the mind to show up without my kid.

    The only slack I want to cut the parents is that they're so clouded by their stress they do not see what they're doing as SO BAD to the LW's kid.   
    I've seen enough fuckery over less that tells me these parents are attention whores without the sick kid.  Who expects parties and gatherings to be thrown for their sick child?  I hope once he gets treatment that reality sets in and the *need* for every Tom, Dick, and Sherry from his HS to show up for him as proof they care subsides. 

    Also, going to chemo appts with someone is a special kind of hell.  I'm actually very good and competent at it, especially the advocacy part of things (I went with my BFF and my mom), but it's truly not for everyone.  It's stressful and can be overwhelming or scary.  
    I'll be honest that I know nothing about the appointments.  

    My only point was the attempt to be nice to parents who are going through stress while also pointing out everything you said.   
    Report Reply
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Jesusmaryjoseph, you step in here LW.  You show up with your daughter, let her visit with her SO, and pull mom/dad aside.  Be empathetic, but also tell them you have to protect your own child.   This is traumatizing shit for adults, much less teenagers, who can have a very hard time grasping serious illness and mortality.  Also, she is under no obligation to be the cancer event planner.  I'm sorry for their sick kid, but this is terrible behavior that needs to be stopped cold.  
    I'm almost in the mind to show up without my kid.

    The only slack I want to cut the parents is that they're so clouded by their stress they do not see what they're doing as SO BAD to the LW's kid.   
    I've seen enough fuckery over less that tells me these parents are attention whores without the sick kid.  Who expects parties and gatherings to be thrown for their sick child?  I hope once he gets treatment that reality sets in and the *need* for every Tom, Dick, and Sherry from his HS to show up for him as proof they care subsides. 

    Also, going to chemo appts with someone is a special kind of hell.  I'm actually very good and competent at it, especially the advocacy part of things (I went with my BFF and my mom), but it's truly not for everyone.  It's stressful and can be overwhelming or scary.  
    I'll be honest that I know nothing about the appointments.  

    My only point was the attempt to be nice to parents who are going through stress while also pointing out everything you said.   
    They can be long and boring, then punctuated by a complication or by a nurse/doctor coming by to drop some shit on you that’s scary or doesn’t make sense. 
    Report Reply
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    Jesusmaryjoseph, you step in here LW.  You show up with your daughter, let her visit with her SO, and pull mom/dad aside.  Be empathetic, but also tell them you have to protect your own child.   This is traumatizing shit for adults, much less teenagers, who can have a very hard time grasping serious illness and mortality.  Also, she is under no obligation to be the cancer event planner.  I'm sorry for their sick kid, but this is terrible behavior that needs to be stopped cold.  
    I'm almost in the mind to show up without my kid.

    The only slack I want to cut the parents is that they're so clouded by their stress they do not see what they're doing as SO BAD to the LW's kid.   
    I've seen enough fuckery over less that tells me these parents are attention whores without the sick kid.  Who expects parties and gatherings to be thrown for their sick child?  I hope once he gets treatment that reality sets in and the *need* for every Tom, Dick, and Sherry from his HS to show up for him as proof they care subsides. 

    Also, going to chemo appts with someone is a special kind of hell.  I'm actually very good and competent at it, especially the advocacy part of things (I went with my BFF and my mom), but it's truly not for everyone.  It's stressful and can be overwhelming or scary.  
    I'll be honest that I know nothing about the appointments.  

    My only point was the attempt to be nice to parents who are going through stress while also pointing out everything you said.   
    They can be long and boring, then punctuated by a complication or by a nurse/doctor coming by to drop some shit on you that’s scary or doesn’t make sense. 
    Can confirm - chemo appointments are fucking horrible.
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