Statistics are information; no more, no less.

mrsconn23 · July 2022

Dear Prudence,

I am a married mom of three: One in the armed services, one leaving for college in the fall, and an elementary schooler. I have been happily married to the love of my life for 20 years. I recently had weight loss surgery (a vertical sleeve gastrectomy, to be precise). I am losing weight and inches, and it’s phenomenal. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for years. My husband was very supportive during the entire process; in fact, he is just downright supportive of everything I do and vice versa. We have an amazing family dynamic.

After surgery, we had a mutual friend warn us of the bariatric failed marriage rates, and they are alarming to say the least. Basically, what happens is that either the spouse gets jealous of the new attention, the person who had surgery initiates an affair or the divorce, or other basic marriage breakdowns occur. My husband and I are devoted to one another. I couldn’t image life without him; I’ve been with him more than half my life. And he loves the person I’m becoming, which he demonstrates by showing me how to avoid post-surgery pitfalls and changing his diet to support me. My question is: How can I be sure I don’t make him feel inadequate? How can we avoid falling into these statistics?

— Not Big on Divorce

levioosa · July 2022

Man what a shitty friend.

banana468 · July 2022

Statistically 50% of marriages end after the marriage starts.

I'd tell the friend that there's a grown stat that shitty friends end friendships too.

Or ask, "Would you have preferred I stay at an unhealthy weight because statistics said that was better for my marriage even if it meant a likelier earlier death?"

mrsconn23 · July 2022

I agree it was shitty of the friend to say something in the first place, @levioosa. The stats do bear out though. I think I know of one person who dropped a ton of weight either via surgery or a strict diet/exercise program that is still married to the person they were with when they went through it. However, I also know quite a few people who had weight-loss surgery that have had some awful health complications. And I know quite a few people who put some or all of the weight back on post-surgery. But LW had the surgery, so mentioning it after the fact is shitty. And I wouldn't even bring it up to someone considering the surgery unless that was the type of relationship we had, where I could speak frankly.

But putting all of the above aside, LW describes a healthy and strong marriage. I have a feeling that people who's marriages/relationships fall apart afterward were having issues prior to the surgery. Same with people who put the weight back on post-surgery, they thought the surgery would fix what's broken when it really has more to do with what was going on in their head and heart.

If LW is that concerned that it's causing intrusive thoughts and anxiety, maybe a therapist could help. I'd hope their weight-loss surgery program would have referrals. Also, LW could do a few sessions to sort out their thoughts and then bring H in to have a joint session and express how they're feeling. I'm sure this is quite common. But LW, being aware of your relationship and what you do have is a massive first step most people don't have in these situations. I'm sorry one comment from a 'friend' has being so upsetting.

CharmedPam · July 2022

I thought the divorce rate was over 50% regardless?

eta; take WL surgery and put it aside. I’ve had friends who lost weight on their own, with surgery, etc and some have left their partners. It’s true. It happens. But some have also stayed. It’s the strength of the relationship.

Statistics are information; no more, no less.

Re: Statistics are information; no more, no less.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards