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Teenage Daughters

knowlgoknowlgo member
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in Second Weddings
Asking for a sanity check on a situation with our teenage daughters.

My bride-to-be and I both have 16 year old daughters and they're both in the wedding. They've known each other for many years and were friends at one point. As they've grown older they've begun hanging out in different circles. There is no animosity as far as I know. Her daughter is asking to bring a friend and their family to the wedding. We discussed it and decided that inviting a family just because she wants a friend and didn't add to the ceremony was not the right thing to do.

My wife brought it up to me again last night after a couple of months had passed and I got pretty upset about it and let her know that it's really insulting and hurtful to me that her daughter feels that she can't spend a couple of days without her friend (or more specifically to my mind with my daughter). And tbh I'm feeling pretty sad about it because I feel it may be or come across as a "mean girl" kind of thing. And also being fair I don't know what her intentions really are, nor is it my business.

In the end I suppose that when I look at it through my daughters eye's, she would end up being  a third wheel and alone the whole time, which breaks my heart.

My wife said that she wasn't going to invite them. That's fine but I'm still not totally sure if I'm right in feeling the way I do or if I'm being overly sensitive and overly protective. Also, I wouldn't want to be invited to a wedding just as a convenience for someone else. It seems to me they might be insulted as well.
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Re: Teenage Daughters

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    levioosalevioosa member
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    knowlgo said:
    Asking for a sanity check on a situation with our teenage daughters.

    My bride-to-be and I both have 16 year old daughters and they're both in the wedding. They've known each other for many years and were friends at one point. As they've grown older they've begun hanging out in different circles. There is no animosity as far as I know. Her daughter is asking to bring a friend and their family to the wedding. We discussed it and decided that inviting a family just because she wants a friend and didn't add to the ceremony was not the right thing to do.

    My wife brought it up to me again last night after a couple of months had passed and I got pretty upset about it and let her know that it's really insulting and hurtful to me that her daughter feels that she can't spend a couple of days without her friend (or more specifically to my mind with my daughter). And tbh I'm feeling pretty sad about it because I feel it may be or come across as a "mean girl" kind of thing. And also being fair I don't know what her intentions really are, nor is it my business.

    In the end I suppose that when I look at it through my daughters eye's, she would end up being  a third wheel and alone the whole time, which breaks my heart.

    My wife said that she wasn't going to invite them. That's fine but I'm still not totally sure if I'm right in feeling the way I do or if I'm being overly sensitive and overly protective. Also, I wouldn't want to be invited to a wedding just as a convenience for someone else. It seems to me they might be insulted as well.
    Maybe I’m missing something but why can’t they both bring a friend? A whole family seems ridiculous but I would be completely okay with each bringing a good friend. I personally was invited as a friend to some of my friend’s siblings weddings as their “plus one” back as a teenager/young adult. 


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    banana468banana468 member
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    levioosa said:
    knowlgo said:
    Asking for a sanity check on a situation with our teenage daughters.

    My bride-to-be and I both have 16 year old daughters and they're both in the wedding. They've known each other for many years and were friends at one point. As they've grown older they've begun hanging out in different circles. There is no animosity as far as I know. Her daughter is asking to bring a friend and their family to the wedding. We discussed it and decided that inviting a family just because she wants a friend and didn't add to the ceremony was not the right thing to do.

    My wife brought it up to me again last night after a couple of months had passed and I got pretty upset about it and let her know that it's really insulting and hurtful to me that her daughter feels that she can't spend a couple of days without her friend (or more specifically to my mind with my daughter). And tbh I'm feeling pretty sad about it because I feel it may be or come across as a "mean girl" kind of thing. And also being fair I don't know what her intentions really are, nor is it my business.

    In the end I suppose that when I look at it through my daughters eye's, she would end up being  a third wheel and alone the whole time, which breaks my heart.

    My wife said that she wasn't going to invite them. That's fine but I'm still not totally sure if I'm right in feeling the way I do or if I'm being overly sensitive and overly protective. Also, I wouldn't want to be invited to a wedding just as a convenience for someone else. It seems to me they might be insulted as well.
    Maybe I’m missing something but why can’t they both bring a friend? A whole family seems ridiculous but I would be completely okay with each bringing a good friend. I personally was invited as a friend to some of my friend’s siblings weddings as their “plus one” back as a teenager/young adult. 
    I feel like that's a good compromise.  Yes these are two teens that will be linked by marriage but it's also a big deal day and they may feel more comfortable having that person to lean on while their parents get married.  If they aren't adversarial but also aren't buddies it can help to have the additional friend to be the buffer and cut the tension.  The entire family sounds overkill but one friend each seems like a healthy compromise. 
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    knowlgoknowlgo member
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    edited July 2022
    2 reasons: 1. It is a destination wedding and the cost is prohibitive to most people. The friend that she has in mind is very wealthy so that is convenient for her but not for most people. 2. This is a blending of families and would be a good opportunity to have bonding time. Mostly though, it is a big ask for most people.

    Additionally, to my mind, it seems like such a big deal is made out of doing uncomfortable things. Growth comes from discomfort. It seems to be such a cold solution when they could very well become closer if they would try.
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    levioosalevioosa member
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    knowlgo said:
    2 reasons: 1. It is a destination wedding and the cost is prohibitive to most people. The friend that she has in mind is very wealthy so that is convenient for her but not for most people. 2. This is a blending of families and would be a good opportunity to have bonding time. Mostly though, it is a big ask for most people.

    Additionally, to my mind, it seems like such a big deal is made out of doing uncomfortable things. Growth comes from discomfort. It seems to be such a cold solution when they could very well become closer if they would try.
    Tbh this reads strongly of bitterness. The blending of families can be stressful to teens, even ones who have grown up somewhat together.  It sounds like you want to make your soon to be step daughter uncomfortable because she asked first and you’re resentful of the fact that she’s not close with your daughter any more. Teens have a lot happening emotionally. Let them each bring a friend. If they’re good enough friends it shouldn’t be a problem to talk to the parents and see how they feel about it. My bff went on vacation with my family and vice versa. “Toughen up, Buttercup” is kind of a shitty attitude to have when you’re trying to think of harmoniously blending your families together. Forcing the kids together will not make them friends. I promise. This seems like suuuuch a small hill to die on. 


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    MobKazMobKaz member
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    edited July 2022
    Your wife?  Are you already married? You are having a destination wedding and in your own words state it is cost prohibitive for most guests.  Are they aware you are already married?

    “Growth comes from discomfort.”  So can anger and resentment.
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Here's the thing -  you cannot force your daughters to be friends. You've already said they hang out in different circles, which I'm assuming probably means they also have different interests. My partner's daughters are 14 and 16 and they pretty much tolerate each other now. They even share some friends, but are just so very different right now. They'll come to appreciate each other when they're older, but even as full blooded sisters, you can't force it. I already know that when we go on vacation next month, 14yo is going to want to do her own thing, and not include 16yo. 

    And you forcing this issue is only going to make the blending of families more difficult. You can't force your wife's daughter to be friends with your daughter, and to include her. 

    I'd let both kids bring friends. Or are there any other relatives from your side attending that are close to her age? 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    If this is a DW I also wonder if the concept is that at 16, you're bored when you're on a forced vacation with your parents ESPECIALLY when they are going to be caught up doing stuff as a couple. 

    I'm not sure what you have with plans but to ditto @climbingsingle are there cousins that your daughter can hang out with?  If they have known each other for years and are civil but not friends then it seems odd to try to create a vacation where you're going to not be with them the entire time and they may be just bored with each other.  Is there a way for a friend to just pay for transportation and share a room with your daughter to keep costs down?  
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