The overly familiar 8 year old.

mrsconn23 · July 2022

Dear Prudence,

How do you set boundaries with 8-year-olds? My boyfriend’s youngest son (“Kyle”) is generally a good kid, and I usually get along with him well due to my career history working with kids. But an issue has arisen around touching. I’m extremely sensitive to and uncomfortable with touch that I haven’t explicitly consented to because of a combination of neurodivergence and PTSD. I’ll be sitting close to my boyfriend on the couch and Kyle will snuggle up against me, even if there’s room to snuggle with his dad instead. Sometimes we’ll be sitting on different ends of the couch, and then I’ll look and notice that he’s scooted over to be almost touching me and watching to see if I’ve noticed.

The other night we were watching a movie, and he reached up and stroked my ear (!!!). I’m starting to dread spending the night! My boyfriend has 50/50 split custody with his ex, so Kyle isn’t always around, but I feel awful at the thought of arranging all of our time together around when Kyle will be at his mom’s. If Kyle was a peer, I would handle it with a firm but kind “please don’t touch me.” Can I just do that here? If he was any younger, I could chalk it up to being too little to know any better and let it go. I’m very wary about coming across as trying to parent him, but this situation drove me to tears last night, and I want some way to resolve it that doesn’t involve me suffering in silence.

— Not Your Cuddle Buddy

banana468 · July 2022

Talk to the BF. Explain to him what's going on. He's going to need to be the one to talk to Kyle in a way that let's Kyle understand about touch and when it's wanted.

Kyle likely likes you but needs to understand that touch needs to be mutually wanted and this is likely a good time for dad to lead into more discussions about when actions can consented.

charlotte989875 · July 2022

You need to have a talk with your BF about what is and is not acceptable touch with Kyle and have him talk to his son. Figure out what you’re okay with “snuggling but only after asking if you can sit together”, “only during movie time” or whatever. But be consistent with the boundaries. It can be confusing for children to navigate situations for adults so make it clear and easy for him to understand what is and is not okay.

short+sassy · July 2022

I agree with talking to the BF, who can then talk to Kyle (or they both can).

I feel bad for the LW. I understand the dilemma. Kyle is a great kid, who likes her, and isn't doing anything that's obviously "wrong". I'm sure she's worried that Kyle will take it that she doesn't like him or is rejecting him, which would hurt his feelings and maybe put a strain on their relationship.

But since it is this upsetting to the LW, something needs to be said. With hopefully using reassuring and loving words. Kyle is old enough to understand boundaries.

mrsconn23 · July 2022

I understand LW a lot because I am sensitive to touching and kids that have no boundaries make me edgy most of the time. I also think this is a convo for bf to have with Kyle and redirection needs to come from him as well. But also, I hope LW is getting some therapy for the trauma and to support how to navigate their neurodivergence in this relationship They don't need to be inadvertently traumatizing Kyle either (either by rejecting him OR overreacting to him).

There are all sorts of age-appropriate guides out there to teach kids about body language and good touch/bad touch. Plus I really think he needs to be told not to touch people about the head and face period because many people may react badly to that regardless.

banana468 · July 2022

mrsconn23 said:

I understand LW a lot because I am sensitive to touching and kids that have no boundaries make me edgy most of the time. I also think this is a convo for bf to have with Kyle and redirection needs to come from him as well. But also, I hope LW is getting some therapy for the trauma and to support how to navigate their neurodivergence in this relationship They don't need to be inadvertently traumatizing Kyle either (either by rejecting him OR overreacting to him).

There are all sorts of age-appropriate guides out there to teach kids about body language and good touch/bad touch. Plus I really think he needs to be told not to touch people about the head and face period because many people may react badly to that regardless.

DH used to have a GF when we were in college (DH and I knew each other for about 5-6 years before we started dating) and she was the kind who'd walk up to you and give a backrub. A mutual friend said, "She reminds me of how much I don't like to be touched."

MissKittyDanger · July 2022

Has LW expressed anything towards the kid saying they don't like it?

I mean yes talk to BF but maybe express it to the kid - how can he stop without being told the person wants them to?
Kyle starts petting arm - "Kyle please don't"
Continues - "Kyle, I'm asking you to stop"

He's a kid. He's 8. LW should try.

banana468 · July 2022

MissKittyDanger said:

Has LW expressed anything towards the kid saying they don't like it?

I mean yes talk to BF but maybe express it to the kid - how can he stop without being told the person wants them to?
Kyle starts petting arm - "Kyle please don't"
Continues - "Kyle, I'm asking you to stop"

He's a kid. He's 8. LW should try.

The thing is to get an 8 yo to understand it beyond "please stop".

This is a person who is talking about having overnights with the SO. Because of that they're likely in a cuddly position with others or at least on the couch. When you're young, likely dealing with a coparenting situation it's going to be more helpful to tell the kid why so kiddo doesn't go to the other parent and say, "LW is mean and won't hug me!"

MissKittyDanger · July 2022

banana468 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

Has LW expressed anything towards the kid saying they don't like it?

I mean yes talk to BF but maybe express it to the kid - how can he stop without being told the person wants them to?
Kyle starts petting arm - "Kyle please don't"
Continues - "Kyle, I'm asking you to stop"

He's a kid. He's 8. LW should try.

The thing is to get an 8 yo to understand it beyond "please stop".

This is a person who is talking about having overnights with the SO. Because of that they're likely in a cuddly position with others or at least on the couch. When you're young, likely dealing with a coparenting situation it's going to be more helpful to tell the kid why so kiddo doesn't go to the other parent and say, "LW is mean and won't hug me!"

I would say it 2x, if it continues I'd move spots and have a discussion with BF personally later.
That way if BF says "oh Kyle likes to do it"
Great. Please have them stop doing it to me.

MyNameIsNot · July 2022

Something about this really bothers me, and I think the obvious "use your words" solution may not be enough. LW doesn't say they enjoy the kid or even have any relationship with him, just that they get along due to a career history working with kids. It's almost clinical. And then LW's solution is to basically just avoid being around Kyle. It almost makes me wonder if LW either really doesn't like Kyle but doesn't want to say it or doesn't like being with someone with a kid and hasn't figured it out yet.

I get not wanting to be touched without consent, but it doesn't seem that difficult to explain to an 8 year old that some adults don't always want cuddles.

banana468 · July 2022

MyNameIsNot said:

Something about this really bothers me, and I think the obvious "use your words" solution may not be enough. LW doesn't say they enjoy the kid or even have any relationship with him, just that they get along due to a career history working with kids. It's almost clinical. And then LW's solution is to basically just avoid being around Kyle. It almost makes me wonder if LW either really doesn't like Kyle but doesn't want to say it or doesn't like being with someone with a kid and hasn't figured it out yet.

I get not wanting to be touched without consent, but it doesn't seem that difficult to explain to an 8 year old that some adults don't always want cuddles.

I think if there's two issues here:
1) LW's mental health
2) Who is responsible for talking to the 8yo? If this is a person there for additional visits I think further explanation is necessary so the 8yo AND the 8yo's other parent has a clear understanding. Not all coparenting relationships are healthy and this is why I advised that the boyfriend also explain to ensure that the kid isn't going to say something only to piss off the other parent. 8 yo's get it and 8yo's also know how to play one parent against another when it suits them.

The overly familiar 8 year old.

Re: The overly familiar 8 year old.

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