Dear Prudence,
When my boyfriend and I started our relationship a year and a half ago, we were clear and in agreement about what constituted cheating for both of us: individually seeking, starting, and/or sustaining a sexual or romantic relationship with a third party.
We were also clear on what we did NOT consider cheating: sexual thoughts or desires involving another person, finding someone else beautiful or attractive (including making eye contact and/or conversation with said someone, so long as nothing further were intended), sex with other people as a couple (threesomes, moresomes, etc.), and the big, riskiest one: meaningless, inconsequential, and fleeting sexual acts with random strangers with whom we knew we would not stay in touch (e.g. mutual masturbation in a discrete location, such as a car). We also agreed to three important rules about these “safe” escapades: no oral, no penetration, and no secrets; should these escapades ever happen, we would always be proactive and transparent with each other about who, what, when, where and why. Finally, we also agreed on a three-strike system: If either of us broke any part of this agreement three times, the agreement was terminated, and we would take steps to salvage and repair our relationship, including therapy. If we succeeded in rebuilding trust, we could try reinstating the agreement if both of us so desired and felt confident and safe enough to do so. If we failed, we’d consider ending the relationship.
So far, I have no strikes. Recently, however, my boyfriend committed his first: He had a sexual escapade—mutual masturbation and oral sex—with a man at the gym. Despite breaking the “no oral” and “strangers only” rules, my boyfriend did honor our agreement in that he told me everything, sparing me no details. He was visibly remorseful and emotional, and I trust that he does not want to hurt me again. We are currently working through the emotional damage from this and discussing measures we can take to prevent a second strike, including changing his gym hours.
Here is my concern: One of the measures I suggested was that he and I try finding a mutually convenient time and start working out together at the gym, since my presence there could have a deterring effect on potential urges and opportunities for another strike. My boyfriend, however, did not like the suggestion. He said he wanted both the continued freedom to have truly “safe” escapades without guilt, like we agreed, and the opportunity to police himself to not commit another strike. He did not like the idea that he needed to be supervised and believes he is mature and capable enough to make amends. I don’t know what to do.
On the one hand, I don’t want to be a “nanny” to a fully functioning, responsible adult whom I respect and trust to keep his word about wanting to right a wrong, nor do I want to limit his ability to take advantage of a mutually agreed upon condition. We made a deal and we have a system. I should also be able to honor both myself. On the other hand, I’m hurt. And I’m worried he’ll commit another strike, and that his argument is merely a means to remain “free” to fool around—and, now that he’s experienced what it’s like to be the “culprit,” to do so without telling me, thus breaking our agreement and our system. What do I do?
— Deal Breaker